Grief University

On March 26, 2013, I was enrolled in a system of higher education. 
It was neither voluntary nor temporary.

I've taken day or weekend classes here at Grief University before - failed relationships, two heartbreaking miscarriages, the death of an uncle, grandparents, a great friend, a precious aunt. But after losing my child, it's permanent. I am here for the long haul. 

I am new to this kind of learning. I'm definitely a freshman here. There are so many things I don't know. I have so much to study. Books to read.  A whole language that I'm just learning. Everyone enrolled here learns something.  However, because we each have different kinds of loss, different personal histories & experiences,  it's not always the same thing. So - here's some of the things I have learned in the almost 3 months since I've been permanently enrolled: 

- Timeline myth. No one puts a limit on the amount of JOY you have when your child is born. How can you put a limit on the amount of GRIEF you have when your child dies? Every time I am reminded of the missing joy in our lives, I feel a deep sting of that grief. Every time I see a baby boy Link's age, doing the things Link would be doing,  I feel it.  You look at my grandmother, who lost her 7-year-old son almost FIFTY years ago, and still cries when she talks about him -  you talk to her and then you tell me that grief has an end in this life. Here is a quote shared from a couple of friends who have lost children:

Grief is not linear. People kept telling me that once this happened or that passed, everything would be better. Some people gave me one year to grieve. They saw grief as a straight line, with a beginning, middle, and end. But it is not linear. It is disjointed. One day you are acting almost like a normal person. You may even manage to take a shower. Your clothes match. You think the autumn leaves look pretty, or enjoy the sound of snow crunching under your feet.Then a song, a glimpse of something, or maybe even nothing sends you back into the hole of grief. It is not one step forward, two steps back. It is a jumble. It is hours that are all right, and weeks that aren't. Or it is good days and bad days. Or it is the weight of sadness making you look different to others and nothing helps. Not haircuts or manicures or the Atkins Diet....Grief doesn't have a plot. It isn't smooth. There is no beginning and middle and end. -Ann Hood

Another quote I love & identify with (from Mitchell's journey):

There are many well-meaning people, as if to throw an emotional lifeline, who try to remind us life is but a “speck” in the eternal scheme of things. Or that they’re sorry for our “temporary loss” as if the wave of a hand and a simple utterance will assuage our sorrow. And while I understand the eternal nature of the soul – being mortal, life is the longest thing I know. The years ahead seem to stretch out into infinity and seem so very long without my son. I miss him terribly.

-Guilt and Grief are no respecters of time. People tell me to let go of the "what ifs" - and I do strive for that, but it is harder than you could ever image. The feelings of guilt attack me at any time of the day or night. I could be sweeping the floor or trying to get the girls to bed & the thoughts will come "what if I would have not swaddled his arms? He would not have rolled and he'd still be here!" "what if I would have checked on him 5, 10, 15 minutes earlier? He would probably still be alive!" - and on and on.  I know that these thoughts do not accomplish anything. I know they aren't really healthy. But I will also tell you that they are HARD to control. Grief is the same way. Washing Dishes. Sitting at church. Getting the girls out to the car to go someplace. Driving. It doesn't matter where - sometimes my mind goes back to that day and the same all-consuming shock, despair, incomprehension and sickness overtake me. And I am left helpless & dysfunctional. I do not understand why it happened any more today than I did on that day. 

-Outward way to show inner grieving. Some days I wish we lived in a culture where for a period of time we had some sort of outward display to show that someone very precious to us had died. A black shawl over the face. A special pin. I don't know.  It was - and still is - hard to be around people that don't know that I've lost a child. The light-hearted laughter. The joking and talking of trivial things. Especially in the first days, it was almost oppressive. It would also be nice to have that outward display, just so people could have an understanding of why you might be short with them - or not be able to remember something - or cry at seemingly anything - or be unreasonably angry at something small. And it might help them refrain from judging when you walk around town without makeup with three little girls who don't have their hair brushed. Also, as I have met more and more angel moms, I realize how many people around me on any given day may be going through deep grieving and I may have been insensitive to them and what they are going through.  

-Mourning Brain. The inability to process or remember things. It is at least TEN times more severe than pregnancy or new-mom brain. It's worse in the first days and weeks, but I still struggle with it. This was definitely something new that I've learned since I've been enrolled here. I had no idea how all-encompassing grief was - not only to your body, but to your brain. It was (and sometimes is) just SO difficult to make any sort of decisions through this thick fog of grief. To remember things. That's why it's seriously amazing to me how many decisions the bereaved are expected to make in such a short period of time. Choosing a casket? Picking out a plot? Putting together a slideshow or program? It was ALL I could do to push through that fog and make a decision about anything. There were many times I just couldn't do it & waved my hand & said "whatever you think is best." 

-Different Person.  I love the quote “The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new.” How very true. And it is the same way for losing a child. Just as I changed and became a new person the minute my first child was born, I changed and became a new person the minute my last child died. I am not the same person that I was on March 25th. I am now a bereaved mother. I live in a different world. In this world, your children can and DO die. In this world, anxiety and fear about losing another child can take over your thoughts and actions. In this world, your innocence is gone. You don't laugh at the same jokes. You don't listen to the same song in the same way - everything has a different context. In this world, things that might have brought you joy, now bring you pain.

-NEED to talk about him & hear his name! Probably the most surprising thing I've learned since I've been enrolled is the absolute NEED to talk about Link and hear his name! I have had friends that have lost children and I always assumed that bringing up the person that died would bring them more pain and heartache, so I would avoid it, but OH - how wrong I was! And I am so sorry to every person I know that has lost someone dear to them & I didn't talk about them! I don't think it's the same for everyone, but for ME, it's the NOT talking about Link that brings me pain. I LOVE to talk about him! I want to tell you about his bright blue eyes. I want to tell you about his hospital journey. I want to tell you how he laughed and smiled and brought more joy into this family than I thought was possible. If you come to my home, I want to show you his book, show you our "Link wall" and share some favorite memories. I even need to tell you about how Link died. I know - so strange that I should want to talk about it - but I do! It's all been a part of his journey. And his name.  I said this on Facebook, but I'll add it again here: "When we keep the names of our children silent they die a second death." -Mitch Carmody. I have so much gratitude to all of you who continue to use Link's name! When I hear my son's name, it's like sweet, precious food to this starving mother's soul. Hearing his name. Talking about him. It validates his existence here on the earth and brings joy to me. 

-Sleeping is not peaceful. In general, I think it's true that most people who have lost a precious person to them - especially a child - do not find sleep peaceful. There might be bad dreams. Or tossing & turning. Or just that the deep, blissful sleep you once knew is gone. But on a more personal level, it has become something terrifying for me. Finding Link dead after he was supposed to be sleeping has been the most traumatic experience of my life. And now, I do not see my sleeping children as a sweet, blissful, thankful time anymore. My heart pounds and I dread going to wake them up after a nap or in the morning. I see them in bed & no longer do I smile and just cherish the moment. Instead, with panic in my heart, I come close and check the color of their face. I feel their cheeks to see if they're still warm. I watch the rise and fall of their chests to make sure that they still have the breath of life. My brother sent me a text the other day of Kezia sleeping. Instead of thinking how sweet it was, it brought fear into my heart. Is she okay? was all I could think of. Because... in my world... your children can go to sleep and never wake up. 


-The Glass.  I know this is going to be a lifetime struggle - and right now I think I'm focusing more on the glass half empty. I'm focusing more on the time I DIDN'T get to have with him rather than being thankful for the time I DID get with him. That fluctuates. But I hope one day, I will consistently see that glass half full and my heart will swell with gratitude just that I got to carry him, deliver him, kiss him, spend precious time with him and even see a few milestones before he left us. I will be grateful that he came to our family and changed us forever and motivated us to be better people. One day, instead of staring at that mom holding that baby boy with longing and ache in my heart, I will focus more on the three beautiful daughters beside me and my heart will be full. 

-GOOD People. Some people here have been enrolled for a LONG time - like my Grandma. I'm sure she has earned her doctorate degree many times over - though I don't think any of us really "graduate" until we die ourselves. Sometimes I feel like this university is on the other side of the world. On March 26th,  I felt like someone plucked me up and set me down in Siberia and said "Okay - now you need to survive." But I did not know anything about that country. I didn't know the language. I didn't know where to find food. I didn't know how to survive. How thankful I am for people who have been here and have held my hand and showed me how to survive in this world. Lena, Robyn, Gayla, Molly, Anna, Andrea, my grandma, the ladies in the SHARE group here - just to name a few. As we have gone to the temple and prayed & fasted, I have thought much about Eve. She was the first woman on the earth to lose a child. A son. And in such a horrible way. There was no one there who had been through it before to hold her hand and teach her how to walk and breathe and survive through this grief. I am forever thankful for the women who have, with sadness and love in their hearts, welcomed me to this dreaded club. I am also so thankful for the people who really try to understand what it's like over here - true sympathy. One of those amazing people is my sister, Cindy. She has not let a day go by without calling or texing & asking "how are you feeling right now?" "how is your heart?" She asks me specific questions about what I'm going through & I truly feel her love and concern for me. 


This is only a tiny part of what I continue to learn. I feel myself growing in ways I had never imagined. It's a little ironic, but I compare this process to natural childbirth. It's stretching. It's so very, very painful. And there comes a point where I scream "I CAN'T DO THIS!" over and over. And - in every fiber of my being - I truly believe that I can't do it. That I've expended every molecule of energy that I have. That I will die if I have to endure one second more. But, just like my midwife, the Lord knows my abilities more than I do myself.  And at the end of the labor process, you hold your baby and you realize that something good came from all that pain. I don't get to hold my baby, but I hope that one day I will hold this precious knowledge, this growth in my heart and I will know that something good did indeed come from all this pain & anguish. 

May Newsletter and Slideshow

FAMILY:  May was spent mostly just getting through that last month of school for the girls and trying to get used to our new “normal” without Link. On the 1^st, Heidi went to St. George to meet with the monument company down there about Link’s headstone. Afterwards, we headed to the splash park with Daken, but it was pretty chilly – the wind was blowing & the girls didn’t stay for more than an hour. The 2^nd was McKinley’s 1^st grade program at school & we all came to see her. She did so great – she was beautiful and smiled so sweet. The songs were cute & she even played a glocenschpel (sp?) – like a xylophone. Afterwards, daddy took her out to eat and to his work. On the 3^rd, Heidi took the girls out of school and we headed to Fredonia, where the Barons live. They moved to Missouri shortly after, so it was nice to spend some fun time with them. The drive was beautiful and the girls had a terrific time with Lena’s boys – doing the zipline, playing in the sprinklers on the tramp, eating popsicles, and making a HUGE mud mess in their yard! They had so much fun. We are sad they moved so far away, but thankful for technology. On the 4^th, we had Greg Riddle, Adam Bealer, Mark Corry, and Ryan Gregerson come by & help Jason dig trenches for our sprinkler system in the backyard. The Bealer kids played here while the daddys worked & they got a lot done. The 12^th was Jason & Heidi’s 13^th anniversary. The Corrys were so good to take the girls overnight, so we could go out to dinner at Rusty’s, watch a Redbox movie, read more of our afterlife book, and sleep in! It was a short “staycation,” but really nice. Mother’s Day was on Sunday & mom was spoiled with waffles in bed, a candy bar poster, and cute gifts from the girls and from Jason. We are so thankful for all their help. On the 14^th, we headed over to the new Main Street Park. We’ve been a few more times since then – the girls love it! Tons of swings, a merry-go-round, and a GIGANTIC slide make for some great fun. On the 18^th, we headed to St. George & the girls hung out at the Hamiltons while mom & dad went to the temple and out to eat at Iceburg afterwards. Ireland’s Kindergarten program was on the 21^st and she was really cute. We think she was a bit nervous, though – she kept yawning. It was fun to see her with her friends that day. She did a great job – and dad took her out afterwards, too. The 24^th was the last day of school for the girls – they were so excited. We got to pack up and head to Mapleton that day for Memorial Weekend. The girls had a lot of fun with their cousins – hiking, making s’mores, riding horses. We also went and visited the graves of Grandpa Tew, Mary Tew, & Bart Tew. The weather was better than it’s been in years! Unfortunately, Heidi had strep throat and was out of it for most of the time, but she was still glad to see her family and let the girls play. Memorial Day, we got home, unpacked, got cleaned up & headed to Link’s grave and then to the Bealers for a BBQ. We got yummy food & got to watch the kids play t-ball afterwards & then did some sparklers. We had a great time. A lot of May was spent getting the backyard prepped for grass. It ended up being QUITE a bit more time and money than we anticipated, but we’re hoping the girls will be able to play back there by next month. Since school is out, we’ve decided on a flexible schedule for the week: Move-it Monday (exercising – hiking,riding bikes, swimming, running, etc), Try-it Tuesday (we pick something from Pinterest to try out), Wanna Wednesday (we stay at home more & do things we want to do), Think Thursday (work on school goals for the summer – multiplication tables, spelling, etc), & Field Trip Friday (going to new places around Cedar).  MIRACLE: We had an external hard drive that crashed a couple weeks before Link died. We finally got around to trying to get the data out. We even took it to Best Buy & they told us it would be a minimum of $250 – max of $1800. We found a video on youtube & Trisha helped look up some options. In the end, we ordered a control card for $30 that WORKED! There were precious videos of Link on that External Hard drive that would have been lost forever. Such a blessing! Such a miracle!

JASON:  Jason has eased back into work after losing his baby boy. Everyone has been kind to him and that’s helped a lot. He spent most extra “moment” in May in the backyard or basement, trying to get the water system to work and every thing ready in the backyard for getting grass. He’s put a lot of sweat into that backyard. He continues to enjoy scouts.  Greg Riddle took him dirt bike-riding and he really enjoyed that.

 HEIDI: Heidi’s grief journey is still very much day-to-day. There are days where she feels very functional and fine – and there are days that she still seems to drown in her grief. One of those days was May 7^th – the day that Link would have been 6 months old. Many tears. She continues to work through her grief with writing, running, and talking about her son. She learned about a SHARE group in Cedar that is a support group for miscarriage and infant loss. It was neat to connect with some amazing ladies and hear their stories and share her story. They do a lot of good in the hospital here & she hopes to get involved there. On the 16^th, Heidi went to a “summer activity ideas” relief society activity. It was neat to get some good ideas & visit for a while. On the 18^th, Heidi went and ran the Children’s Justice Center Quarter Marathon & got 2^nd in her age group. Memorial Weekend was not so fun having strep throat & having to spend 3 hours in Springville to go to the Instacare and get some meds, but she was thankful to be feeling better by the day they left. And she hopes this is her strep throat for the year! She FINALLY finished Mansfield Park and started reading A Town Like Alice. Tender mercies continue to abound: On Link’s 6-month birthday, she got a beautiful necklace in the mail, whom she later found out was from a friend of her sisters. It was so very sweet of her and says LINKIN DALLIN HAMILTON with angel footprints and his birthstone & deathstone. It is beautiful. Also on Link’s 6-month birthday, her friend Lisa Anderson brought her a white rose and watched her kids. It was so sweet. Ruthann Hook also sent a sweet package via her sister – it was a beautiful locket with a picture of the SL temple and “Our Family is Forever,” along with little beads that had our family birthstones on it – she also sent beautiful angel necklaces for the girls. In addition, we got a framed stick-figure stitch of our whole family from our bishop’s wife. And Connie Weaver, a lady that Heidi visit teaches, gave us a beautiful hand-stitched pillow that says “Be Still, and know that I am God and I am with you.” So many beautiful, thoughtful gifts. So much love.

McKINLEY:

-Mom asked McKinley one day if she ever talked about Link at school with her friends. She said “Well…no…cuz, you know, there’s all that math stuff that’s in my mind.”

-McKinley’s school program was on June 5^th. It was so great to see her up there smiling and doing her best to sing the words. She sat by her “crush” – Joseph – in the program J

-McKinley did wonderful in school this year & Mrs. Robb called me personally to tell me how thankful she was to have McKinley in her class. She brought home some beautiful projects at the end of the year and she brought home a wonderful binder full of great memories from the year. The last week she had fun going on field trips (to the Ladybug Nursery, the library, and Discover Park), having a field day where they played games outside, and having a reading celebration with the school that included getting to watch a movie and seeing her principal kiss a guinea pig.

-We got some grief workbooks for the girls and McKinley has done such a good job with hers. She’s drawn pictures of Link & written about how much she loves him and misses him.

-After some talking & praying, we decided to go ahead & let McKinley sleep in the bed in Link’s room. All the girls have slept MUCH better since that arrangement! And McKinley is good about being quiet and reading books or writing in her diary before she sleeps.

- McKinley and dad have been reading Because of Winn Dixie – they’re almost done!

-McKinley had some fun play dates with Addison, Chloe, and Lindsay Brown. They had fun singing, playing, or doing the Easy Bake Oven that Camri gave McKinley. She actually made some really yummy mini cakes in her Easy Bake Oven.

-McKinley has been a big helper with the backyard. She has come helped us dig and pat down sand and bring us water, etc.

-McKinley says “I am excited for the summer. Cuz then school’s out and we get to play with our cousins sometimes. Cuz I get to be at home more. We’re going to have a lemonade stand!”  

IRELAND:

-Ireland still had quite a few angry episodes in May. One of the worst was when she dumped a BUNCH of water out of the bathtub and it leaked into the basement. She also had a HUGE tantrum in Link’s room – including having accidents in there. We are trying to help her work through her anger. Her school counsoler, Jill Bassett, worked with her on a book where she could color & draw out her thoughts & feelings. It was a great book & we learned a lot about how she’s dealing with losing her baby brother.  Her tantrums seem to be getting better & she’s able to deal with her feelings without completely having a meltdown.

-At the beginning of May, for some reason, she decided to rub her nose on the carpet again (she did the same thing last year in our other home) and it left a huge scrape on her nose and scabbed over.

-Ireland’s end-of-school program was so cute and we got to take a picture with some of her favorite friends – Isabella Daniel, Jenna Davies, Shaylee Johnson, and Emi Schoppman.

-Ireland got to be the star of the week in the middle of May. We had fun doing a poster with all the things she likes, sending a favorite book, a favorite toy, treats, and also filling out an “about me” page.

-One day, Ireland wanted to speak in accents. We talked like English people and then she wanted to talk like an Irish person, so we looked it up on youtube & tried to speak in Irish accents. A crow flew by and Irealnd squawked and said “Am I speaking Irish crow talk?”

-We went to playgroup at the park one day & Ireland was having so much fun playing, she didn’t want to leave. Mom said it was time to go & Ireland (sitting at the top of the play structure with her arms folded) looked down at mom & said “I am NOT AVAILABLE.”

-Ireland seems to have really taken to the marble ball game (perplexus) that McKinley got from Christmas. She will sit for quite a while trying to get the little ball all around the maze. She’s good, too! One day she made it to 100!

-Mom & Ireland have been reading Junie B. Jones (Camri let us borrow some of her books). We get some good laughs from all Junie B.’s crazy antics!

KEZIA

-Kezia earned enough date points & got to go with mom out for lunch at McDonald’s. They had a great time.

-Kezia still talks about Link all the time. When she sees cute shoes at Walmart, she picks them up and says “we can get these for Link when he comes back!”When we used the restroom at the church, she saw the changing table and said “this is where we’ll change Link’s diaper when he comes back!” She likes to tell friends and strangers about her baby brother that died – and she likes to tell them about his cute cheeks. She ALWAYS wants to hear Link’s bedtime song after hers.

-One day mom found 3 bottles of cake decorating sprinkles in Kezia’s PJ drawer.

-All the girls, but especially, Kezia has been saying a LOT “that’s boring!”

-Kezia’s favorite color USED to be yellow, but now she says she’s changed it to blue. (just like daddy & McKInley)

-One day mom was looking online at some outdoor play things. There were some huge swing sets & Kezia said she wanted one of the most expensive ones. Mom said “They are way too much money.” Kezia replied “But I have lots of too much money.”

-We saw a trampoline one day when we were driving in the car & Kezi said she wanted one. Mom said that we already had a little trampoline in the basement. Kezi said “Yeah… I want it to grow up.”

-Kezia is still obsessed with My Little Pony and Super Mario Galaxy. She says she wants a Super Mario Galaxy cake for her next birthday.

-We were on our way home after playing at the new main street park. It was late & mom told the girls that when they got home, they needed to go right to sleep. Kezia said “But sleep is hard.”

-As the girls were getting dressed one day, mom heard Kezia tell her sister “I’m wearing size MINE!”

-One day Kezi entered the bathroom that mom was using.  She said “Eeeew! It stinks! I’ll go get some deodorant so it won’t make you stink.” And she proceeded to bring mom some deodorant.

-Kezia seems to be our child that LOVES animals. She is an amazing chicken catcher and she just CAN’T stay away from Aunt Cindy’s rats when we visit.

-In Primary every Sunday, the presidency walks around with a jar. They say “I know Heavenly Father loves me because…” and the children each say something. One Sunday in May, Kezia said “I know Heavenly Father loves me because… he gives me macaroni and cheese!” That same Sunday, one of the leaders was doing an object lesson. She had some red “juice” and wanted the kids to taste some. The teachers all told the children to say “NO” – but no matter how Kezia’s teacher told her to say NO – she still wanted to taste that “juice” – so she stuck out her tongue. It ended up being red-colored salt water. Yuck!

-Kezia is growing up so fast right before our eyes – she’s learned how to pump herself on the swing without any help and is now buckling her car sear all by herself!

-One day mom looked back in the van & saw a glimpse of the shirt that was Kezia’s shirt that used to be Ireland’s shirt that used to be McKinley’s shirt. My, how time flies.

-Kezia seems to like to play with older girls – even when there are girls her age. She LOVES playing with Camri Corry and Camri Hamilton and whenever we go to the Bealers, she wants Addison home.

-One day at the playground, Kezia was getting too close to someone swinging & a lady moved her over & said “Watch out baby!” Kezia just sat down and screamed & sobbed. Mom came over & asked what was wrong. Kezi said “She called me BABY!”

LINK:

We miss your blue eyes, your chubby cheeks and your impossibly adorable smiles & laughs every single day, our baby boy. Mom can be seen often kissing her finger & putting it to your picture. You would have been 6 months on the 7^th of this month… and that was a hard day for mom. Adam Bealer dropped by and brought blue balloons. We each wrote a note to you and attached it to the balloons and sent them up to you. Also – we watched your slideshow and we cried… It’s been two full months since you died and we’re getting by, but you are in our thoughts all the time, Link. We talk about you constantly. Wondering what you’d be doing by now. Wondering if you would like eating certain things. Your sisters are taking turns sleeping in your room. I think it helps them to feel closer to you. Mom & dad continue to read the after-life book to try and get an idea of what it’s like where you are. We know you are watching over us – and along with Grandpa Tew (and many others) are working hard as a missionary.

Much of this month was spent trying to finalize your headstone. We hope you will like it and it will have meaning for you – as it does for us. We went to your grave on Memorial Day and it was neat to be there – but we think we will enjoy it more once the headstone is in. Mom & Dad felt your presence in the temple when they went this month. Mom has had a few precious dreams where she actually gets to kiss your adorable cheeks and there is almost nothing sweeter & more comforting for her in the whole world. She’s still working to collect all the pictures, videos, and memories from everyone so that we can have a book for your birthday.

You continue to touch so many hearts, Link. We love you. We miss you. 

Funeral - Linkin Dallin Hamilton - March 30, 2013

I've finally gone through the pictures from Link's funeral & uploaded them. I know it seems like there are a LOT. There are - and these are only probably 20% of all the pictures. I apologize, too, because I don't think they are in order, but I tried. 

The day was really a blur to me. The poem "Footprints" really means more to me now. This was definitely a day where He carried me. 

There are so many things about that day that I can't remember - I still was in shock that it was really happening. But there are a few things about that day that stand out to me and I hold in my heart. The first was the love and care of family in preparing us for this horrific day. They helped care for me, my daughters, and my home. When we got to the church, some of the first people I remember seeing were Jason's family from Texas - his dad, his cousin, his aunt. Bless their hearts for coming so far & being there for us.  Also -  seeing the displays that my beautiful, loving sisters and cousin had worked so hard to put together - touched my heart. Pictures of him. Flowers. His favorite toys. Blankets. Shoes. So lovingly and beautifully put together. 

Then, as a little family, we walked into the room where our sweet son and brother lay. We had talked to the girls the night before about how the room would look and where Link's body would be. The girls were curious. They touched him. They were reverent and quiet. We said one last family prayer with our baby boy there. We prayed that Link would be with us. That our Savior would support us. That we would be able to get through the day. 

Then came the hugs. Oh... the sweet, sweet loving hugs and words of comfort and love from so many people. So many of YOU! It was so humbling and amazing to feel your love. Though, it was hard to stand there. You can probably see from the pictures how heavy my heart was and how often I had to turn to my sweetheart for physical and spiritual support. I know this sounds funny, but a part of my brain registered multiple similarities from our wedding day. Lots of pictures, a video playing in the background, a book to sign, a line with hugs from loved ones who have come far and wide, flowers everywhere. Except this was some horrific parallel universe. Instead of pictures of the happy couple... there was pictures of my baby boy who was dead. Instead of a video playing happy love songs, it was playing heartbreaking, melancholy songs. Instead of tears of happiness and hope, everyone was crying tears of sadness, of missing this precious son, brother, cousin, nephew, grandson, friend, etc. And instead of a line full of joyful family, our line included only us and a tiny casket holding the body of our baby. 

Tucking my son into his casket and watching as they closed it was one of the most difficult moments of my life. 

The funeral was as sweet and loving as it could be. I have to tell you that the first song we sang - Nearer My God to Thee - was a moment of perfect clarity amid the chaos in my mind and heart. Hearing so many friends, neighbors, family, loved ones, singing that song was so powerful. I FELT your love through that song. We were in the front row and it was like a wave of love that overtook me. I could not sing a note - I felt your love so powerfully. The talks were wonderful. I am so glad I have a CD of them. They're on my phone now & I listen to them as I clean - or when I am questioning or hurting or angry or feeling guilty. The stake president from our last stake spoke - it was such a personal, loving talk.  Our wonderful bishop talked. Jason was somehow able to share some precious memories and scriptures. The cousins sang "I am a Child of God." It was so sweet.  My friend, Diane, read the poem she wrote, which I'm including below:

Healing in His Hands, by Diane Bealer - dedicated to Jason and Heidi Hamilton

A tiny babe lays sleeping so peaceful and so calm
And while he lays there without pain we seek a healing balm
A mother’s arms are open she yearns to feel his warmth
To kiss his cheeks and hold him close it was she who brought him forth
A father’s heart is broken he longs to see that smile
To sit and talk and play with him if only for a while
The grief the pain the aching will it ever fade away?
It doesn’t seem to have an end it must be here to stay
But through the pain and hunger to have that baby near
Comes the Savior of Mankind their prayers He always hears
It’s He alone that has the balm to bind those bleeding wounds
For He knows  in time they won’t always be consumed
He's waiting and He’s watching for times to bless and heal
He knows there’s nothing like a child that makes this pain so real
He aches to hold those parents and show His love so dear
The scars to show He knows their pain Only He can nobly wear
So turn to Him and give your pain He strengthens those that fall
His love is here for all who seek The King of One and All
So when your world is crashing down and pain is all you see
Comfort is never far away if you can make it to your knees

Isn't it beautiful? The words are absolutely spot-on. I always talk about (and dream about) kissing those cherished cheeks of his. It brought me more joy than I can express. Jason talks about missing that precious smile. And the hunger... yes the hunger. Such a beautiful poem. 

The day was beautiful. The time at cemetery was short, but there was hope and love in the sunshine and the presence of all our loved ones. 

Thank you to ALL of you who came to support us. Many of you didn't know what to say, but it didn't matter. You being there expressed to us more than words could ever tell how much you loved us and wanted to help. 

As difficult (this word is absolutely insufficient, but will have to do) as this day was, I am so thankful that it happened. I think of pioneer women who lost babies along the trail. There were no flowers. No video. No pictures. No beautiful casket. They did not have hundreds of people there supporting them. Many of them buried their babies in shallow graves - never to visit them again. 

This day was a sweet tribute to a baby boy who changed my life forever. I am so very blessed and privileged to be Link's mother. 

March-April Newsletter & Slideshow

Here are the newsletter & slideshows for March and April. Please forgive the tardiness and please indulge me in the number of pictures - especially of Link. I hardly took any of him out of the slideshow. And there are a LOT!

FAMILY:  March was the most joyous and most devastating month our family has ever faced. On the 3^rd, we had Link’s blessing. Family & friends came. Tiffany flew in from Minnesota. What a joyful, blessed time. Grandma Potts did a St. Patrick’s Day party for all the cousins. Heidi got to go birthday shopping with her mom & out to breakfast with her sisters. The blessing was beautiful and we had wonderful food and conversation at our home afterward. So much joy. The rest of the month was spent enjoying an extra day with Tiffany & Maddy, doing St. Patrick’s crafts, celebrating Heidi’s birthday, Jason had a business trip to Ogden for a week, playing outside, a family trip to the dentist (Everyone but Kezi had cavities L, playing at the park, having the Corrys over for Sunday dinner,  and just enjoying life. On March 26, 2013, Heidi went to wake Link from his nap and he had rolled over. When she picked him up, he was cold and limp and blue. The ambulance was called and they tried to revive him at the hospital, but it was too late and there was nothing they could do. He had returned home to his Heavenly Father. Our entire family was shocked and devastated. Neighbors helped. Family came. There were a lot of preparations to be made for his funeral. We are so grateful to all who came and supported us during this horrible time. Link’s funeral was on March 30. Family & friends came from all over. We felt everyone’s love and support. The talks, poems, and musical number were wonderful. Link was buried in the Cedar City Cemetery. There was such an outpouring of love for our family – cards, flowers, food, watching the girls, financial support, gifts, financial help, willow tree statues, a Yladro statue, books, messages, phone calls, paintings, etc. It was amazing to see the generosity of so many – we are truly, truly grateful. April was mostly spent recovering – surviving. Grandma Potts & Aunt Cindy and Michael & Joshua stayed a week after the funeral to help with the house & the girls. We are SO thankful for their help! We were having a media fast, so the girls had fun with Aunt Cindy doing a “tea party,” making a fairy house, doing crafts, etc. We also went to Zions National Park with the Edwards, Hamiltons, and Billy – Jason’s dad. The kids had a great time in the sand, hiking to a waterfall, and riding the shuttle. Jason & Heidi were able to go to a hotel in St. George for a couple days and spend a lot of time with each other and in the temple. On the 20^th, we went to the Preparedness Fair in Cedar and got some good information and the girls got their faces painted.  Later that month, we took a trip to SLC. Jason went with his brother to the supercross competition and Heidi & the girls visited with the Simons and went to Scheels and the Living Planet Aquarium with the Edwards and uncle Joseph. We also had visits from the Matthews from Herriman, the Jacksons from Park City, Aunt Kim, and some visits from Grandma Devenish.   On the 19^th, Tundra was acting like he was in severe pain. Whining constantly. We took him to the vet and he told us that his stomach had turned and he could do surgery, but Tundra probably wouldn’t survive it. We decided to go ahead and end his pain. Saying goodbye to our big boy was very difficult. He has been a part of this family for over 10 years. We buried him in our backyard and planted an evergreen over his grave. We feel his absence in our family and home as well and at the same time, we are so happy that he is free of pain and we believe he is enjoying wonderful carefree days with our son. We also miss Link so very much every day. He has left such a large, aching hole in our family. At the same time, though, we can absolutely testify of the goodness of God. We know Link is happy and well. We know he watches over our family. We are thankful every day for our knowledge of the plan of salvation. It has been the thing that has helped us survive – knowing we will see him again one day. We are so thankful for the resurrection of Jesus Christ. We continued our tradition of opening Easter eggs with an item that goes with a scripture to tell about Jesus’ last week on earth and his resurrection – we were able to keep opening them – even on the night he died and the subsequent nights. Everything we read had much more meaning. Easter had a much, much deeper meaning this year as a family. The girls did get Easter baskets filled with wonderful things, but going to visit Link’s grave later that day gave us perspective and instilled in our hearts the true meaning of Easter. We talk about Link every day. We talk about what he would like to eat – if he’d be crawling by now. Kezia makes sure we NEVER forget to sing his goodnight song. We look at pictures and videos of him and we think of him often. We miss him and we feel his love. One other thing we have enjoyed the past couple months is watching the birds. We put out the bird feeder & they made a mess on the deck, but it was so fun to watch them as we ate meals. There were some really pretty ones with red heads.

 JASON:  Losing his only son was very difficult for Jason. He has been such a rock for every member of our family – but there are still times he breaks down and just misses his boy. Jason spoke at Link’s funeral and did a wonderful job sharing memories of our baby boy.  Jason’s work has supported our family so very much. They donated a bunch of money. They allowed him to work from his laptop as much as he needed the weeks after his funeral.  The blessing Jason gave Link at the beginning of March was beautiful. We were able to get some wonderful pictures with Jason and Link that day. Jason also had a business trip to Ogden the week after Link’s blessing and he was able to meet a lot of people. Then he came home & spent as much time as he could with the girls and with his baby boy. He was at the dentist the day he got the call about Link. He was in the middle of a root canal, but threw some gauze in his mouth and sped home. He gave Link a blessing and was able to comfort Heidi when we found out Link was gone. He has had a few spiritual experiences since Link died and cherishes them. He finds a lot of comfort and knowledge in the after-life books we’ve been reading. He has re-committed himself to family history so that he can assist his son in missionary work on this side.

 HEIDI: Heidi is still very much devastated over losing her precious baby boy. It was also such a physical loss – not being able to breastfeed him anymore. Not being able to hold him and have that physical mother-baby bond. She still struggles with a lot of grief, anger, guilt, and anguish. So very many tears. She has had some comforting dreams, though.  She’s listened to some wonderful songs and heard some great conference talks & scriptures that provide perspective and peace. She expresses most of her grief through writing – in her journal, in her journal to Link, and on her blog. She is bewildered at and so thankful for the sincere love and sympathy so many people have expressed.  She turned 34 this year on the 6^th & since Jason was going to be gone on a business trip, he arranged a surprise party for her while her family was in town for Link’s blessing. It was wonderful. The girls made her birthday special and Heidi truly took the day off to sit by her fireplace, enjoy her children, and read a book. Jason also called and left a message on her cell phone with ALL the people at his business meeting, singing her happy birthday. It was really sweet. Her journey is still very much day-to-day, sometimes minute-to-minute. She’s started running again with Krista Corry and is so thankful for her friendship and that outlet. She’s also SO thankful that she’s been able to help her friend, Diane, who is very sick (pregnant) and also threw her back out. Helping her has been such a blessing – it’s helped her to get out of bed when she doesn’t feel like it. She’s so thankful for the love of her entire family – especially her sisters – and especially Cindy, who has called or texted every single day. She’s grateful for jewelry that helps her remember her baby boy. And pictures. And video. She has watched his slideshow many, many times. It is a hard, painful process to go through, but she hopes it will eventually bring her closer to her Savior, husband, family and son.

McKINLEY:

-McKinley cried a lot those first couple days after Link died. She was really a support and comfort to her mom. She stayed with her. Hugged her. Supported her. She cries when she watches the slideshow of her brother. She misses him. She doesn’t talk about him a whole lot, but she asks questions about when we will see him again. She also writes in her journal about him. She understands where he is and that he won’t be coming home soon. She loves her baby brother. Some other things McKinley did in March & April:

-McKinley had a dream where she went to a tea party and they were serving hamburgers.

-McKinley and mom finished The Little Princess in March. We both LOVED it and enjoyed reading it together.

-McKinley & daddy had a bit TOO much Super Mario Brothers in March. Mom had to finally put her foot down. Every free moment was asking if she could play Super Mario Brothers.

-McKinley did a surprise for the family one morning. She wouldn’t let anyone come in the kitchen, but when we could finally come it, McKinley was all dressed & ready for school with her hair brushed & breakfast was set out on the table. What a helper!!

-McKinley had some rough times in March – one day mom got a call that McKinley had hurt her foot at school. Apparently they were playing handstands and she came down too hard on her foot. She limped on it for a few days, but got better. She also had bad allergies in March and walked around with a tissue under her constantly running nose. In addition, she had strep throat and an ear infection. No fun!

-McKinley went to the dentist in March and had 4 cavities she had to have filled L

-In Primary singing time, the primary chorister was doing March Madness basketball. In the van on the way home, mom was telling dad about it. McKinley said “It’s not March Madness – it’s March Magnets!”

-The girls worked really hard on some coloring contest pages and one of the businesses we were going to take it to was Bulloch Drug. McKinley said “Do we ever go to Bulloch Drug? Well…. Probably not… cuz, you know – DRUGS.”

-McKinley had a very hard time when she got home from school and found out that Tundra was gone. We knew he might not be okay when she got home from school, so we encouraged her to spend some time with him that morning – and she did spend some precious time with him. She cried a lot when she came home. She picked flowers for him and put them on him in his grave. He was her buddy and friend and she will miss his companionship.

-McKinley earned a date with daddy and they went to see “The Croons” at the theater. She said they had a lot of fun & it was a cute movie.

IRELAND:

-At first, Ireland didn’t seem affected when we told her about Link. We told her that he had gone back to heaven and was with Jesus and Heavenly Father. We told her that we would see him again when Jesus cam again and he was resurrected - and that seemed to be good enough for her. But as time wore on and her baby brother wasn’t resurrected yet, she started to really be naughty and show a lot of anger. When they were taking a bath in our bath, she got some of my pumped breastmilk and poured it into the tub – along with a box of sewing pins. She got eggs from the fridge and made a huge egg mess in their room. She took at bath in their hall bathroom sink. She poured birdseed on the ground in the garage and peed on it. She’s had accidents all over the house. She has had some very angry tantrums where she has hit and kicked & screamed & yelled – one of these massive tantrums was at Walmart. Ireland has started seeing her school consoler – and we think it has helped her. She hasn’t cried one tear that we’ve seen, though, and we think she’s really bottling everything up inside. She’s afraid to cry – and she just wants her brother back! Every night she prays that his body will come back alive. She was there when it happened – when the police and the ambulance came. We know it will take her a while to work through the anger & grief. She is a very physical person & always was touching him and wanting him to touch her. They had a special bond and we know it will continue to be difficult for her. Thankfully, though, Mrs. Ekker says she’s still doing fine in school and she seems to be fine with other people.

Some other things Ireland was up to in March and April:

-Mom was working with Ireland on her homework one day and the question was “What is the opposite of left?” Ireland thought for a moment & replied… “unleft?”

-Ireland now talks about marrying her cousin, Joshua, just like McKinley talked about marrying Michael. One day in the van, she told mom “I wish we could marry cousins. I’d marry Joshua!”

-One of the Easter eggs we opened as our family tradition talked about Jesus going to Jerusalem. Mom was trying to make sure Ireland was listening & said “Ireland – where did Jesus go?” Ireland said “to get the brass plates!”

-There was an altercation upstairs and mom heard screaming. She went up to investigate and both Ireland and Kezia were crying. Mom asked Ireland what happened & Ireland said “She was hitting me with the horse and I pushed her! And… we were breaking each other’s feelings.”

-In March, Ireland started saying “Baby Alert! Cuteness Alert!” whenever she was around Link.

-For Ireland’s date in April, she went swimming with dad.

-Ireland had strep throat (again) the weekend of conference. Dad had to take her to Instacare, but she was able to get some medicine & not miss school.

-One day in the van, Ireland said “Dad – if you were a kid, which cousin would you pick to marry?” But no matter how much we prodded him, dad only said he would pick mommy & no one else J

-Ireland had a cavity and had to get it filled, but was super-brave and didn’t cry at all!

KEZIA

-Kezia still doesn’t really understand that Link isn’t coming home any time soon. She still sees shoes in the store & says “let’s buy this for Link for when he comes back!” or “When Link comes back, he’ll get to have his Easter basket!” She was also at home when the ambulance and police came and she still talks about Link’s blue face. She also keeps saying “mom – I told you if you put him to sleep, he would die!” She has been Ireland’s partner in crime in being VERY naughty. She keeps having accidents and she’s been waking up 2 or 3 times a night. She’s also been telling people “My brother died!” or “Link’s in Jesus Christ.” We know she misses him. Sometimes mom will see her look out the window and whisper “Link – come back from Jesus. Link – come back to mommy, Link.” She realizes the hole that is there in the mornings and will say “It used to be mommy, Kezia & Link in the mornings, but now it’s just mommy and Kezia.”

Some other things Kezia has said or done in March & April:
-Kezia was given one of the “mystery” dum dum suckers. She said “Mom – this sucker tastes like a question mark… and an apple.”

-Kezia has been big on baths lately. If she ever discovers her feet are dirty, she says “I need to take a bath, mom! My feet are dirty!”

-She was talking to daddy on the phone one day and then came up to mom with a grumpy face and said “Mooom! Dad uncalled!”

-Kezia has been Ireland’s partner in crime in making huge messes the past couple months. Pins in the bathtub. A huge birdseed mess. And one day, Kezia & Ireland decided to put their hands in the peanut butter and rub it all over themselves and the walls.

-Kezia was asked to give the prayer in primary. Mom went up to help her, but she said she could do it all by herself – and she did a great job!

-Kezia says she’s going to marry Jaxon Bealer (at least she’s the only one not wanting to marry her cousin!)

 -She had her first official trip to the dentist and she did great!

-When Kezia wants to find Ireland, she says “Ireland L-A-N-D! Where are you?”

-Whenever we have treats during the day, Kezia ALWAYS makes sure we save one for daddy. And it doesn’t even have to be sweet. She will run and put a cracker, or an orange, or a cookie right by his bed for when he gets home.”

LINK:

Oh – our precious baby boy! We miss you SO very much! On March 26, 2013, during naptime, you rolled over in your crib and were face-down when mommy found you. You left this mortal world behind – along with a lot of broken hearts. You have left an enormous, aching hole in our family. We talk of you every day. We miss you every minute. Losing you will be something that will define and motivate our family forever! We have already felt your missionary efforts on the other side and we pray that they will continue and that we will help move them along. SO many people here love you and miss you. They have shared their memories. They have shared their love for you. You have touched so many, many lives. Your funeral was beautiful. Everyone talked about how beautiful you were in your little white casket. I know your body was beautiful, but it was SO much more beautiful with your spirit inside! We pray that you will continue to touch our lives – be there for us – watch over us. WE LOVE YOU! You will continue to be included in our newsletters every month. Even if it’s just to say how much we miss you & love you. Or times we’ve thought of you. Or things we’ve done that have helped remind us of you. You will ALWAYS be a part of this family. We love you.

Here are some things Link was doing before he died on March 26:

-On March 3, Linkin was given a name and a blessing. His father talked about the power of the priesthood, the gift of discernment, the gift of charity, and he also talked about serving a mission and marrying an eternal companion. We have faith that all these blessings will be fulfilled on the other side. It was a beautiful day all-around. Mom cried when she dressed Link in his blessing outfit- complete with a tiny bow tie. He was just SO handsome!! Family came from far & wide (Aunt Tiffany even came from Minnesota) to see our miracle baby & celebrate his entrance into this world and the fact that he was home & healthy. Lots of people got to hold Link and kiss his adorable cheeks. We got lots of wonderful, precious pictures that day. What an amazing blessing.

-Link continued to get better and better with his hands. He was grabbing his toes. He was to the point where it was dangerous to having him on your lap or in the Bumbo at the table because he would grab anything he could reach. One time he grabbed mom’s malt-o-meal breakfast & got it all over his hands! Good thing mom cleaned him off before he could get it in his mouth! He also knocked over the sugar and a cup of water. He was also getting really good at pulling his cow on his seat. He could make the music go and at the end, he was just pulling it right off.

-His tummy was also getting strong & when we would put him under the jungle gym, instead of hitting the hanging parts with his hands, he would scoot & kick them with his feet really hard.

-We were really working on tummy time with him the month before he died. He was getting a really strong neck and if you put him on his tummy with his arms under him, he would lift up and roll over.

-Link had his 4-month appointment on March 20. His weight was a bit down, but overall, he was truly healthy and perfect.  He was meeting all the milestones. The doctor asked a specialist to look at his birthmark just to make sure it was okay. He came in and wanted to see the “miracle baby” – he said his birthmark was fine, but something he would have his whole life.

- We started the “cry it out” method with Link – and would go & check on him at increments. He had a hard time for a few days, but was actually doing really well by the end – he would sleep till 5:30am.

-Link was starting to really like watching Baby Einstein and Baby Signing Time. He would sit through almost the whole 30 minutes before getting fussy.

-Link brought smiles and joy to our family EVERY DAY. He was really smiling and laughing so good. His daddy would always get a huge smile from him when he got home – and he knew just the tickle spot to make him giggle & giggle. His sisters loved to hold him & McKinley would walk around with him & Ireland would just move his little chair wherever he wanted to go.

-Link tried rice cereal for the first time in April. We tried mixing it with warm breastmilk, but he never really took to it. He would get fussy and spit most of it out.

-Link was finally able to go to church with us for 3 precious weeks. He looked SO handsome in his church outfit – white onesie collared shirt, black pant, and a grey/black vest.  It was so fun to take him and show him off. Jason took him for 2 of the weeks and was able to cuddle him & get him to sleep. Mom was able to take him to primary one week. He was SO good. He sat & listened to the kids sing and Ireland would look over & smile at him – and he was a bit distracting to the other kids as well. They kept looking at him and some would say “Your baby is so cute!”

-The autopsy report did not show that Link had any health problems. He was just called home & we sure miss him at his earthly home.

WE LOVE YOU LINK!!

Six Months

Six Months. Link would have been six months old today, May 7th. 

It's also been exactly six weeks since he died. 

In any other time of life, six weeks is such a short period of time. Things don't change much. But in the life of a baby, six weeks makes a huge difference. I think of all the things he would be doing right now at six months - sitting up, rolling over like crazy, playing with so many more toys, exploring new food, possibly getting up on all fours. To watch him grow and learn. Progress. That's all I ever wanted. 

Even now, six weeks later, I still have times where I think this just must be a dream. A prolonged vision. Maybe it's like A Christmas Carol or It's a Wonderful Life and I'm being shown what life would be like without my son. I'm supposed to learn things - gain an understanding. 
Cherishing, treasuring every moment with every person that I love - especially my children? check.  Gaining a rock-solid testimony of the Plan of Salvation? check. Getting a taste of the true goodness and love that so many people have for our family? check. Extreme need to ensure the heath & well-being of my children? check. Empathy for others who have lost? double-check. 
Okay - now I'm ready! I'm ready to go back! I SWEAR I will do and be everything I need to be! I will change! Just let me go back!
From Ebeneezer Scrooge: "I am not the life I was, I will not be the man I must have been! Tell me that I may wash away these shadows that might change my life. I will honor Christmas in my heart and try to keep it all the year, I will live in the past, the present and the future! The spirits of all three shall be in me! Tell me, kind Spirit that I may wash away my (HIS) name from this stone."

I pray this prayer with all my heart and then I go to sleep. I wake up hopeful. I go into his room... but it is still empty. There is no baby there. His funeral program lies on the front table and confirms that I am still living this nightmare. This is no dream or vision that I will wake up from. Somehow, I am going to have to learn how to live with this hole in my heart. 

Last night for Family Home Evening, we talked about trials. We read "Tear Soup" by Pat Schwiebert. I would highly recommend it to anyone who has lost - or anyone who knows anyone who has lost. So - that's pretty much everyone, right? It is a picture book that tells the story of an older, and somewhat wise woman named Grandy who has lost someone she dearly loves and the process she goes through to make tear soup - to work through her grief. We had a good talk about it afterwards. We talked about how each of us has our very own pot of tear soup. We each are working through our grief differently. Ireland said she isn't making tear soup. She's making angry soup. And McKinley asked what she should do if she needs to make tear soup while she's at school. We watched Link's memorial video. Jason cried. McKinley cried. I cried. And after it was over, we heard the rain pounding on the window and Ireland said "I think Link is making tear soup outside because he misses us so much, too." And so we went outside and felt his "tear soup." 

Today, I've cleared my schedule. I'm giving myself permission to completely feel the ache, the hurt, the hunger. I'm giving myself permission to watch the videos, look at the pictures, read the memories, re-live the funeral, give gratitude for the precious time we had with him,  grieve for what might have been... and significantly contribute to my large pot of tear soup. 

Heavy

Today is a heavy day. 

Yesterday felt good – lighter. I was able to drive across the mountain and visit with my good friend. I smiled. I laughed. I felt his presence more. I had more perspective.

But today is heavy. I feel like every step I take is like walking through hip-deep sand. Every breath I take feels heavy and labored. Just a simple task like putting dishes into the dishwasher seems insurmountable.

It hurts to look at his empty exersaucer. The pictures on the wall rip my heart apart instead of providing comfort. I never really could understand or relate to the scriptures that talked about “renting their clothes” until I lost a child. Now – that’s exactly what I feel like doing. Ripping. Tearing. Destroying.

Ireland has had a heavy day, too. Or maybe because she had a heavy day, mine ended up being heavy as well. It’s difficult to watch your child grieve.
It’s always something small that sets her off. She had told McKinley at Christmas-time that they could switch stuffed animals, but today she wanted her old stuffed animal back. And I told her that she had to keep her word and let McKinley keep it. That’s about all it took for a full on rage-attack. I brought her into Link’s room. She hit, kicked, screamed, yelled. I told her (again) that it was okay to be angry. I tried to get her to hit some pillows – I even put a pillow in front of me & let her hit it, but she kept trying to get past it and get to me.  Finally, I told her it was okay to be angry, but it wasn’t okay to hurt another person, so I left her in Link’s room & shut the door & held it closed. I listened as the tantrum escalated. She put the crib in front of the door. She threw Link’s diapers all around the room. I periodically opened the door to make sure she wasn't doing anything that would be really damaging.  I just wanted her to be able to express her anger in a safe way. I did see that she was throwing his toys around. She was pounding on the door. This lasted for probably 20 minutes. It felt like 50. It was so hard for me. So hard to listen to her scream & cry. She hurts so much. And I just WISHED and PRAYED that I could take it all away.  She always says it's not losing Link that makes her angry - she says it's something that her sisters said or did, but we all know better. She needs her brother. 

You know those times when your child wants something so BADLY (a binki, a stuffed animal, a blanket, a toy) – and you know if you can just find it, the second you give it to them, they will calm down. Everything will be okay. OH! How I wished I could just walk into Link’s room where she was throwing her fit. I wanted to walk in there and have him in my arms and say “Look Ireland! I have your brother!  Here he is! He’s back! He’s okay! Hold him, kiss him, hug him!” And I KNOW everything would be okay. She would be okay. She would calm down. She would have what she’s been missing. What she's been needing. He would fill that angry, empty void inside of her. 

But I can’t give that to her. I can search my house. I can search the city, the state, the world – but I wouldn't be able to find him. I can’t make him appear. I can’t go to the store and buy another Link. He's not something I can order online. I can tell her that he's near. I can reassure her that he watches over her and he's never really left. But it's not the same. She needs physical contact. She needs to feel him with her hands, not just her heart. 

At the end of February, I remember commenting to Jason how GOOD she was lately. She was just such a GOOD GIRL! She was so obedient – so loving – so easygoing. Not perfect, but amazingly good. After everything had been so wrong when we were in the hospital,  he came and made everything so right. The pieces were all in place and our family was whole again. Now that he’s gone, everything has gone back to being wrong again. There will always be part of our family that is wrong. So very, very wrong. Ireland’s world is all wrong and she’s mad about it! I am too… and sometimes I wonder if it will ever even come close to being right again.

Heavy. My heart is so heavy today. When I was driving and pondering about this deep, hurting heaviness today, a scripture came to mind. Can you guess what it is?

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. (Matthew 11: 28-30)

Light. That’s definitely the opposite of how I feel right now. Somehow I have to find a way to yoke myself to my Savior, because this is just too heavy for me. It’s too heavy for my husband. It’s too heavy for my daughter. It’s too heavy.