Link Bears

 A month or so after Link died, a sweet woman (Carly) - the wife of the bishop in our previous ward - sent me a message saying she wanted to do something for us. She knew of someone who made bears out of clothing and she sent me a link.

As I scrolled through all the pictures of the bears, my heart was touched. What beautiful treasures. I decided the girls should each have one, too.
It took me quite a while to actually get up the courage to open his closet. I had been in his room a bunch of times. I had touched his blankets. I continue to see his toys around the house. But... his clothes. Those were the absolute hardest thing for me to face. His clothes were HIM. When I saw his clothes, I saw him. And, of course, when I finally opened his closet to choose an outfit, I had a meltdown. After many tears, I chose an outfit that I loved. And then I laid out some clothes and had each of the girls pick their favorite outfit, too. Jason came in the room and saw his clothes laid out on the bed and he, too, couldn't stop the tears.

The bears arrived while Kezia and I were in Minnesota. I couldn't wait to get back to see them! They are beautiful and so precious to me and my girls. I even had her put a seam where his surgery scar was and sew a spot where his birthmark was. It is so neat to have something to hold that reminds me so much of him. Of course, every second of every day, I wish it was him. The girls sleep with their bears every night. They seem durable enough to last a lifetime, which is good, because I want my girls to have them forever to remind them of their baby brother. Ireland couldn't wait to take hers to her show & tell day at school.

We just had family pictures taken. I'll probably do a separate post for those pics, but I wanted to share these bear pics. For more information, go to http://www.carriebears.com/

September Newsletter & Slideshow (with link for ipad users)

When I was at Tiffany's, I realized she couldn't access the slideshow from her ipad, so I'm putting a separate link (I love that I get to use that word all the time :) to it below. Let me know if you still don't see it after clicking on the link.
https://picasaweb.google.com/sunkist640/2013_09_Slideshow

FAMILY:

We had a great month in September. We usually go camping Labor Day weekend, but we took a vote & the girls decided they wanted to camp in the backyard instead of hauling the trailer out to go camping – which worked out fine because it rained most of the weekend anyway. The first night, we set up the portable DVD player & we all watched The Princess and the Frog & then Jason slept out there with them. The next day, we headed to the Iron County Fair in Parowan. We went on some rides, but within an hour it started to rain – and then pour. We waited in the van for a while, then went out to eat, hoping it would clear up, but it never did, so we headed home & had ice cream. Sunday evening, we got out our fire pit and had a fire in the front yard. We had a great time roasting marshmallows and singing songs. It was a beautiful night. The girls slept by themselves in the tent that night. The next day, Monday, we had a yummy breakfast & then headed back to the fair to use the rest of our tickets. Unfortunately, it was raining when we arrived, but after about 15 minutes it cleared up & the girls went on rides and got to see the reptile tent and all the exhibits. We also enjoyed some homemade ice cream and cotton candy while we listened to live music. It was a fun day. After that, we headed back home & got some pizza and headed over to the lake at the hills & did some fishing. The girls just wrapped a baited hook line around their finger and dropped it in the water & pulled up those fishes like crazy! It was so much fun.  On the 7^th, McKinley had her friend birthday party at the bowling alley. There were 13 kids all together in 3 bowling lanes with 2 adults. A bit crazy! But really fun. McKinley got some great presents & we got to meet some of her new friends from North Elementary.  The 9^th was McKinley’s actual birthday and she had a great time – see her section for more details. On the 11^th, Heidi and Kezia flew to Minnesota to have a week-long visit with Aunt Tiffany, Uncle Adam & Maddy (we also got to meet the Potts, Cindy, and GG Tew at City Creek for lunch on our layover in Salt Lake – so fun!). In Minnesota we had a great time playing with the cats, going to the lakes, playing at the parks, going to the mall, going to a book store with live animals, eating yummy ice cream, going to church, watching movies, going on beautiful walks, visiting with each other, taking naps, and topping it off with a visit to the Minnesota Children’s Museum, where they had a Dora exhibit. It was a wonderful time!  Thank you Aunt Tiff & Uncle Adam for being such GREAT hosts! We loved our time there. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, daddy did a great job holding down the fort with the older girls. On Friday, the 13^th, the Matthews came & stayed & Robyn ran the Cedar Half marathon on Saturday morning. Saturday evening they went to Chloe’s (McKinley’s friend) birthday party at the aquatic center. It was great to be a family again on the 18^th and tell each other all about our adventures. On the 20^th, we headed up to Pine Valley for a weekend of camping with the Bensons. It was beautiful weather and we all were able to sleep in the trailer! We had fun talking and laughing around the campfire, roasting marshmallows, taking walks by the lake, going fishing (LOTS of fish were caught!), playing games, and just enjoying being together. We were so glad they were able to come down. The 24^th was Uncle Jeff’s 40^th birthday party & most of us headed down for his party – happy birthday Uncle Jeff! On the 27^th, we had family pictures taken at Woods Ranch. It was pretty cold – 45 degrees – so the girls weren’t so happy about posing for pictures, but hopefully we have some that turn out cute! The 28^th was a beautiful day!! Another wonderful blessing & miracle for our family & Jason’s entire family. Grandpa & Grandma Devenish were sealed to each other in the Manti Temple! We are so very happy for them and thankful they chose to be sealed! After the sealing, we came back to grandma & grandpa’s for a BBQ & visiting. We left about 6:30 and headed for home. The girls’ primary program was on Sunday – and mom was on the stand, too, to support her class. Each of the girls did a GREAT job! It was  a wonderful program – filled with the spirit.

JASON: Jason was so good to watch the girls while Heidi went to Minnesota. Heidi even heard about his elaborate hairdos that he did J Great job! Things were pretty busy this month at work for Jason. He did get some overtime. However, at the very end of the month, Congress did not agree on funding and Jason is now furloughed. We are not sure how long this will last, but are trying to be patient and trust that everything will work out! He was so thankful for the day his mom and stepdad were sealed & truly felt Link nearby.

 HEIDI: This past month was a bit more emotional for Heidi. She was really missing her baby boy.  Heidi really enjoyed her time with Tiffany in Minnesota. It was neat to visit the lakes and just see her home and meet some of her friends. It was also neat to have that one-on-one time with Kezi. The only bummer was she left her camera in Minnesota! So… sweet Tiff mailed it to us and we are thankful to have it back. Heidi read a couple fun book this past month. She also has finally started to learn more about family history. The new family history site is really amazing with pictures and stories and everything. She’s excited to do more with finding names and doing indexing.

McKINLEY:

-On the 6^th, mom & McKinley met Nikki Nelson at the St. George temple for her baptism pictures. It was so neat. McKinley looked just so beautiful in her white dress and flower that grandma & aunt Trisha made from Heidi’s wedding dress. It was a beautiful night with a beautiful girl! Looking forward to attending her in another white dress at the temple in several  years J

-McKinley’s birthday party at the bowling alley was a lot of fun! The friends that came: Kaylee, MJ, Kiersten, Olivia, Addison, Kloe, Lindsay, Mahina, Jackson, Brecken, and her sisters. She got LOTS of fun gifts, including some PJ & slippers, Lego friends, Fancy Nancy books, a pillow, craft jewelry box, My Little Pony, and Monster High Doll stuff. On her birthday, she got a tablet & headphones from mom & dad that she has really enjoyed. For breakfast she wanted Krave cereal, homemade corn dogs for lunch, and McDonald’s for dinner.

-McKinley started activity days! She went for the first time on the 16^th and made a WAY cute little witch hat.

-McKinley was one of about four children selected to give a talk for the primary program. It was from a previous talk she’d given in primary about the plan of salvation. She talked about trials & blessings and about Link. It was really neat & she did a terrific job!

-Mom met with Mrs. Hardin for SEPs at the end of the month & she just talked about how smart McKinley is and how high she is scoring in all of the categories and what a good student she is. We love to hear it!

-When we went camping with the Bensons, she watched “Journey to the Center of the Earth” with Zach. She didn’t say anything till after the movie, but apparently it really scared her. She was sobbing afterwards. She still says she thinks about it & it scares her L

-McKinley says “I’m starting to like school more. I liked going bowling for my birthday party. We all got jewels from mom from Minnesota and I like mine because it has an ‘M’ on it. My favorite part of school is going to math for some reason.”

IRELAND:

-Ireland still likes her teacher & class, but still has a hard time getting excited to go to school. She says it’s too long and she hates math. We’re trying to get her to let go of that attitude because we know she is a smart cookie & is doing well. At the end of the month, mom got to go to Mrs. Comstocks SEPs with Ireland. It was a lot of fun because mom got to go to all the centers with her (science, math, spelling) and Ireland showed her how to do everything. Mrs. Comstock said Ireland is very artistic, smart, and a great friend. She said that she is a great reader and she loves having her in her class. We are so proud of her and glad that she is doing so well despite being the youngest in her class.

-Ireland is big into spelling things out lately. Instead of yes, she says y-e-s. Instead of school, she says s-k-o-l (we’re still working on the correct spelling J

-We’re working with Ireland on not comparing and not trying to outdo people. Ireland’s friend, Mahina, comes with us to school in the morning and she told us about her 3 friends that she had over the night before. Ireland piped up and said “Yeah, well I have had 2, no THREE friends over before, too – and it was WAY fun!” We have had to explain that it’s not nice to treat our friends that way.

-Ireland was in charge of FHE one time & it was so cute. She made all these papers with pictures of feelings & taped them to the wall. We were supposed to go and punch the one we wanted & we learned about feelings and she also talked about bullying and cyber-bullying. It was really cute. 

-Ireland says “I love my mommy. I like my teacher. My friends in school are Drew and Kyree. My favorite part of school is recess, lunch, and going home. At lunch, Mrs. Colleen says EAT UP! EAT UP! And I don’t like it. I didn’t like it when we got our pictures taken because it was freezing cold.”

KEZIA

-Kezia sometimes says she doesn’t want to go to preschool, but every time mom goes to pick her up, she says “I loved preschool!” and tells mom all about what they did and her friends. She seems to be having a great time.

-Kezia was pretty nervous about going in an airplane to Minnesota. She talked about fears of falling out of the window. We got to the airport and she was still nervous, but loved to see the plane come in. Mom told the flight attendant that it was her first time on the airplane & she made a big deal about it. She got her a wings pin and announced on the airplane “We have a first-time flyer with us today. Her name is Kezia.” Kezi was cute & waved to everyone. After the plane took off, the worry went away and she was enthralled with looking out the window and seeing everything. It was fun. She loved going to Tiffany, but her favorite part was Simba and Fiji, the cats. They didn’t really love her, but she wouldn’t leave them alone. She loved to get close & try to pet them. She loved going to beaches and she really loved playing at the Dora Exhibit in the Children’s Museum. Mom loved getting to spent lots of one-on-one time with Kezi, but didn’t love sleeping in the same bed with her. Kezia is a CRAZY sleeper – complete with rolling all over, kicking, talking, and YELLING in her sleep. Mom was glad to have a separate bed when we got home.

-Kezi is just really a sensitive girl. She will say something cute and we will all laugh and she will get really mad and cry and say “it’s not funny!”

-Mom was telling the story of Joseph and the coat of many colors. Mom said that Joseph was sold into slavery and taken into Egypt. Kezi and Ireland weren’t paying attention. They were laying on the ground playing with each other. So, mom asked “Kezi – WHERE was Joseph taken to?” Kezi said “I dunno… maybe Walmart?”
-Kezia is usually really good when mom says she needs a Kezi kiss or a Kezi cuddle & is happy to comply.

-Kezia says “Um – happy birthday Kezia – surprise! It’s going to be my birthday. I like preschool because Kalli plays with me. I want to make a birthday cake.”

LINK:

Our sweet baby boy. How we miss you. Mom had an especially hard month missing you. It’s now been six months. Half of a year since you left. The memories grow fainter and the pictures and videos grow more precious. It’s looking more like your headstone will not be here by your birthday and that is very heartbreaking. Please forgive us. We will still try and make that day special, though, and pray you will be close. THANK YOU for all your missionary work you have been doing. THANK YOU for being a part of your grandparent’s sealing day in the temple. Many of us knew you were there. It was such a special day. THANK YOU for helping to turn our hearts more to family history. We know you will help us find those people that are missing “links” in our family chain. One very special part of our month was receiving our “Link Bears.” They are the bears that are made from your clothing – complete with a seam where your surgery scar was and a spot where your birthmark was. They are treasures. Your sisters sleep with them every night. Mom & Dad love our bear, too, and it will forever remind us of our Link. We miss you. We love you & are so thankful for the time we spent with you in mortality and await the time we will get to be with you again. 

Broken

{I have gone back and forth about creating a separate blog for my grief. Most of it I work through in my personal journal, but in the end I decided to keep these posts a part of this blog. I totally understand if those who have read my blog in the past decide to skip these posts or stop reading my blog all together. But this is a part of my journey. And as painful as it is, it is something I don't want to forget. So... I know it's sometimes hard to read and you may not know what to say. And that is all okay. In the end, this will be mostly for myself and my children anyway. But I appreciate your continued thoughts, prayers, comments, e-mails, and notes. They truly mean so much to me. Thank you.}

Broken. 

I was sad when I found this Willow Tree. I don't know which of my daughters broke it. I didn't have the emotional energy to find out who it was or discipline them. I was just sad. But as I looked at it, I realized that it reminded me of someone. 

Me. 

I was having a hard day today. I kept having to fight the pain. The tears came, but I had to suck the grief back in. The visiting teachers were coming. The grief broke through afterward, but - no time - I needed to go pick up Kezia from preschool and get some groceries. The day went on like that till at the end, I had no energy to fight it anymore. I let the grief take over. I let the sobs and tears envelop me. The pain. My husband found me and said "Do you want to talk about it? Is it just that you are sad?" 

Sad?

Sad is when it rains when you were going to go to the park. Sad is when you lost a keepsake that was precious to you. Sad is when your team loses the game. 

Me? I'm not sad. 

I'm broken. 

Not just heart-broken. Everything-broken. My soul is broken.

So much of the time, I feel like I am here, but NOT. I feel like my body is walking through life and my spirit is dormant. Curled up in the fetal position. Not wanting to accept that life is happening. It's going on RIGHT NOW. Without my son. And I can't even put into words how much that hurts... aches. 

I feel like a broken mother. A broken wife. A broken sister, daughter, friend. A broken woman. A broken human being. I just don't work anymore. I mean, I can go through the motions. I can clean the house, make meals, drive carpool, talk to you, smile, but most of the time, I just can't make my soul wake up & really LIVE. 

I miss him like crazy. Oh... how I miss that smile. How I miss that laugh. How I miss holding him up to my mirror & saying "who is that handsome baby boy?" How I miss cuddling with him in bed in the mornings as he would coo at me and look at me with those beautiful blue, serious eyes. How I miss putting my finger in his palm and having him grip it tightly. How I miss picking out adorable baby boy clothes for him in the morning. And those cheeks. It's not possible to express how much I ache to kiss them. 

If I knew the reason why he had to go, would it make it a lot easier on me? I wonder about that. I'm not sure I will ever know, though the question will forever linger in my mind. 

I'm hopeful that I will not remain forever broken. I know there is only One that is a healer of souls. I know I need to seek Him to find healing. I believe I will get there through His help. But I also know that it isn't something that can be fixed overnight. Even a broken bone needs time to heal. My guess is broken souls need much longer. 

August Newsletter & Slideshow

I'm sorry this has taken so long to get posted. It just has REALLY frustrated me because I could NOT find the place where I had written down most of what the girls said or did this past month. Sigh... well, this is what I've got!



FAMILY:

August was another busy, fun month. Enjoying the last days of summer & the girls starting school. August started out with the Potts family converging on our Cedar City home for the annual Potts Family Retreat. We loved having the family here – eating, talking, playing games, exploring, and just having fun! We went to see Love’s Labor Lost at the Shakespeare Festival (thanks mom & dad!), some of us went to see Mary Poppins at the Tuacahn (loved it!), we hiked to Cascade Falls, went to the aquatic center, the Lake at the Hills, and the movies! In between all that was great meals and great fun. It was so wonderful to see everyone and feel their love. We were sad to see them go. On the 8^th, daddy and the girls went to Beauty and the Beast at Cedar City High School. The girls all wore their princess dresses and daddy even dressed up in his best suit. They had a great time and supported one of Jason’s priests, Reese Brown, who played Beast. On the 9^th, we got to go up to the Bealer cabin! It was a wonderful time with wonderful friends enjoying the outdoors. We had fun eating yummy food, roasting marshmallows, and the kids all had fun playing together. On the way home, we stopped at Duck Creek for a bit of fishing. McKinley and Ireland started back to school on the 14^th. They are attending North Elementary this year & we are carpooling with the Vogt’s. So far it has gone really good & the girls are loving their new teachers and making new friends. On the 23^rd, Kezia mentioned to mom that there was as spider on the window. Mom casually looked up & saw a TARANTULA on our front window – just sitting there! The girls got home from school shortly thereafter & we were all distracted for the afternoon –  a bit creeped out, but fascinated - watching him crawl along. He was pretty big – about the size of mom’s hand! It was neat to watch him move along. He hung out for a while by our garage, but after that, we didn’t see him again. On the 24^th, we headed over to the family fair. We had a great time until it rained! The girls got their faces painted, got balloons, jumped on the bounce houses, and saw their friend, Mahina. And it was all free!  Kezia started preschool at South Elementary on the 26^th and is loving it! Other than those activities, it has been really rainy here in Cedar this past month. Most afternoons it starts to cloud up and sometimes we get a little, sometimes a LOT of rain. Sydney has been mostly an inside dog since Tundra died a few months ago. She was pretty good those first couple months, but lately, she’s been naughty. TWICE she has jumped up on the table or bar and gotten a block of cheese and eaten it. One time, she got a whole stick of butter. And another time she ate 2 homemade corn dogs that were meant for daddy. She’s also been running off more when we let her outside to go potty. We’ve had to put her on the deck more or in the backyard! 

JASON: Jason had a good time with the family this month and taking time off to be with family. His back was hurting him quite a bit for a while, but seems to have gotten better, thankfully. He continues to enjoy serving in the scouts. Jason & Heidi enjoyed going to the temple this past month and also finishing the book The Message. It was a wonderful book which gave us comfort and motivation to honor their son and serve him as he serves them. Jason was so good to give the girls blessings for school this year. They always look forward to that special time with their daddy.  

 HEIDI: Heidi loved having her family close at the beginning of the month & it had been a while since she’d seen a play, so getting to see 2 in a week was great! She especially loved Mary Poppins – it was fun and entertaining, but held a deeper meaning for her as she thought of Link and how he came into the family and changed everyone.  Heidi continues to attend SHARE meetings and enjoys her friendship with these women who understand her loss. Also – she has met some wonderful people online that have helped ease and share her pain– especially SIDS mothers. Her first day of time alone with all three girls at school was painful for her. She is planning ways on using that time for good, however, and has started swimming and doing things that will be healing and helpful. Heidi also got a new phone this month & has had fun loading new apps & figuring out all the cool things it does!

McKINLEY:

-McKinley really enjoys her teacher, Mrs. Hardin. The friends she has made so far are Dannin, MJ, and Kaylee. She also sees Ireland a lot at recess and likes to play with her. After a week or so, McKinley turned to mom at dinner and said “I think this school is the one!” That is great to hear – and her homework is certainly more challenging than last year, so we hope it will be a learning, growing experience for her & she makes great friends!

-McKinley seems to have gotten more picky with her clothes – not necessarily WHAT she’s going to wear, but HOW it feels on her. She’s constantly complaining that her shoes are too small or her tag is rubbing her or her seem is bugging her. Mom bought her about 5 pair of new jeans and so far she won’t wear any of them L

-McKinley is SO excited to turn 8 next month!!

IRELAND:

-Ireland has loved her teacher and making new friends in first grade. The hard thing for her, though, has been having to be at school all day. On that first day of school, she walked in, plopped down on the floor and said “school is soooo loooong now!” So – it has been an absolute switch between last year and her and McKinley. McKinley usually pops up and gets ready in the morning while Ireland wants to stay in bed and complains that she doesn’t want to go to school because it’s too long. She is getting a little more used to the routine, though & we’re hoping in the next couple months she’ll adjust all the way. Her teacher says she’s doing great. She sent mom an e-mail that said “I have enjoyed having Ireland in class.  She is a cute girl and is very artistic.  She is kind to others and seems to making friends. She tries to help the other children when she can.  Like today we were having an "art party" we have been earning marbles as a class and we had enough for a reward.  Ireland was making hearts at the party and one of the other girls saw her and wanted to know how she did it.  Ireland stopped what she was doing and walked over to the girls desk and kindly explained the proper way to make a perfect heart.” Mom was so proud of her after reading that – and grateful she is doing well in school. She likes to play with Mahina and Drew at recess.

-On the way to school one day, we were looking at the clouds. Kezi said they looked like a puzzle. Ireland said “Yeah… I think Jesus took some sheep that died and used their fluff for clouds.”

-Ireland got a sweet note from a boy in her class named Joshua. Mom found it and asked about it & Ireland said “But it’s not MY Joshua!”

KEZIA

-We had signed up Kezia for a different preschool, but the owner ended up moving it to the north end of town & so at the last minute, we signed her up for the Iron County Preschool @ South Elementary. Her first day was a little rough. She had to sit in the “thinking chair” a couple times. After her first day & she learned the rules, though, she has done really well! She has been a big helper and earned “super kid cards” J Her teacher has mentioned to both mom & dad how very smart she is. We also found out her friend Anna is in the same class! And she also met a new friend – Kalli – who she talks about a lot. We’re excited for her to have fun and learn new things.

-Kezia has had lots of one-on-one time with mommy now that her sisters are in school. One of our favorite things to do after we drop them off is for Kezi to get in the stroller and we go on our “lizard walk.” If we cross the street, there are some empty lots and we get to see LOTS of lizards sunbathing on the sidewalk. We love to watch them and count them. We also love to see birds, dogs, and insects along the way.

-Kezia has been sending so many letters in the mail lately that mom has run out of stamps! She sent one to Daken, one to Joshua, and one to Sister Crandall. Sister Crandall (Kezia’s old Sunbeam teacher) is on a mission in Washington D.C. & send Kezia a letter with a picture of the temple on it. Kezia was so excited and send her a letter back. She put the envelope in the mail and said “And the mail guy doesn’t even know I’m sending a letter to Sister Crandall! He’s gonna be SO surprised!!”

-When Kezia sat down in the chair for her daddy to give her a father’s blessing before school started, she was really reverent. But after he said her name at the beginning, she said “What?” (like, yeah – that’s my name – what do you want?). Anyway, it kind of ruined the spirit after that because we were all giggling too much.

-One day in the car, Kezi randomly said “Mom – I like artificial colors.”

-When mom tells Kezia that something is happening tonight, she will say “today, tonight?”

-Whenever we go down a hill on a road (which happens quite a lot because we live on a hill), Kezia will say “here we go down the slide! Wheeeee!”

LINK:

At the end of the August, it was 5 months since you left this earth. That means that you have now been gone longer than you were here, and that knowledge hurts so very much. You gave us another beautiful rainbow on that day – and also a gorgeous sunset. Thank you so much. You have sent us butterflies, birds, and even a tarantula to brighten and enliven our days. We were so thankful when we got the copy of your tiny footprints from the hospital. Just seeing them helped us feel closer to you. You continue to inspire us to be better people. We know you watch over us all. Mommy always wanted a boy first so he could watch over & protect his siblings and even though you were not the first to come to our family, you are now doing just that – watching over them all. Especially your sisters while they’re at school. We miss you EVERY moment. EVERYday. We LOVE YOU! 

Alone

Kezia started Preschool today.

McKinley & Ireland are both at school.

Jason is at work.

I am home.

Alone.

People say "what will you do with that extra time?"
I just give them a wounded smile, shrug my shoulders, and push back the tears.

I know many mothers long for this day. Can't wait till all their kids are in school and they can have that freedom. I also look forward to that day. But not yet. Not yet. Because... this is not "extra time." This is time that was supposed to have meaning and purpose.  I'm not supposed to be alone.

There is supposed to be an adorably handsome baby boy with me right now. Blue eyes. Chubby cheeks.
I am supposed to be able to hold him in the mornings. Feed him new food. Play pat-a-cake and eensy-weensy spider. I'm supposed to be able to sing to him. Dance with him. I'm supposed to feign frustration as he pulls himself up on furniture, knocks things over, gets into the cupboards, makes messes. I am supposed to hear his sweet babble echo through the walls of my home. I am supposed to comfort him when he falls or when his poor gums ache from the pain of a new tooth coming through. Together, we are supposed to go grocery shopping. Together, we are supposed to clean and do chores and run errands. Together we are supposed to laugh and smile and play. TOGETHER.

Me being here. Alone. So quiet.  It is not supposed to be this way. And it hurts.

I've been reading A Grace Disguised, by Jerry Sittser and he states it this way:

"Loss creates a barren present, as if one were sailing on a vast sea of nothingness. Those who suffer loss live suspended between a past for which they long and a future for which they hope. They want to return to the harbor of the familiar past and recover what was lost... Or they want to sail on a discover a meaningful future... Instead, they find themselves living in a barren present that is empty of meaning. Memories of the past only remind them of what they have lost; hope for the future only taunts them with an unknown too remote even to imagine."

Yes - that is how I feel today. Wishing for that harbor in the past - where we were a complete family and I didn't hurt so much. Instead, I feel lost and I don't have the means to move on.

I know I will somehow pull myself together. I know I will use this time for something good.

Maybe I'll start swimming again.
Maybe I'll do family history work.
Maybe I'll volunteer in the girls' classrooms.
Maybe I'll organize.

But not today. Today it hurts too much.

Yesterday hurt too much, too.  Yesterday, August 26th, was Link's 5 month angelversary. It's been five months since he was here on this earth. FIVE months. It still amazes me that I have gone this long - breathing in and out - when he does not. He has truly been gone longer than he was here & that knowledge seeps into my heart and makes it heavier than I think I can bear. Every fiber of my being wants him here. And while I really just want him here physically, I know that he has been here in spirit and given me signs of his love. Here are FIVE signs of his love that happened yesterday:

1. See these perfect, tiny footprints?  They are my son's. I didn't have them until yesterday. I don't know why- maybe with all the craziness of getting to the St. George NICU they never gave me a copy, but it broke my heart when I could not find his little footprints anywhere. I had Jason stop by the medical records office yesterday & he brought them home. I can't tell you how precious these are to me. I just held them to me and sobbed. We have moldings of his tiny hands, but we didn't have anything from his tiny feet. I am SO thankful to have these.

2. Speaking of footprints... my sweet sister sends me a new bead on the 26th of every month for the beautiful bracelet she gave me. I now have 5 beads on my bracelet. This one was so perfect for yesterday. I have definitely felt the Lord's strength carrying me through these difficult days.

 3. Another reminder of my son's and my Savior's love for me and my family. We were just finishing up family home evening yesterday evening when I glanced out the window and saw this beauty. I wish I would have gotten the whole thing into the picture. But it was a full rainbow stretched over the valley. I cherish the hope & love I feel whenever I see a rainbow.

 4. And, to finish the day,  this sunset. Just so beautiful. So amazing. So wonderful that I got to share it with those that I love. Made me feel very blessed

5. I make it a habit when I'm waking up to close my eyes for a minute and try to grasp for any dreams that I can remember. This morning I was able to recall a dream I had about Link. I'm not sure where I was, but I remember that I was holding him. I remember thinking (as I have in the past when I have dreamt about a loved one that has died) that there must have been some mistake. He wasn't dead! He was in my arms! He was beautiful. I got to hold him and I think I got to kiss him. I remember those gorgeous chubby cheeks. I just remember the JOY I had as I thought I would get to have him back & keep him. It broke my heart to wake up all the way and realize that he was indeed gone, but such a precious gift to be able to hold him and love him in my dreams. Any dreams I have of him are truly sacred and special to me.


So... after all these manifestations of love... maybe I'm not so alone after all?

The Message

We were given a LOT of books to read when Link died. Honestly, most of them, I haven't gotten to yet. A lot of them I want to read with Jason, so that slows reading progress a bit since we actually have to find time for us both to be in the same place at the same time. And that time has to be quiet and uninterrupted. And we both had to be awake. Amazingly, or maybe not-so-amazingly, times like that are scarce for us.

We started reading Gaze Into Heaven, by Marlene Bateman Sullivan. It is a book my grandma gave me & has near-death experiences from the early members of our church. It is very neat. We are about 3/4 the way through that book. The peace and love and beauty of heaven that was described in that book was so amazing - and also comforting to know that Link is partaking of all those wonderful things. However, there came a point in reading that I really felt strongly that we needed to pick up the book The Message, by Lance Richardson.

The Message  was given to us by four separate people. I felt like I was getting the message to read The Message. So I listened. I'm thankful that I did. The Message is the story of a man's journey across the veil - who he met, what he learned, and how it applies to us today. We just finished it yesterday.

We were driving up north a month or so ago &  I was reading to Jason when I came across the paragraph below (bolded), I had to stop reading for the emotion that welled up inside of me:

"Oh, Grandpa, it is so good to see you." 

"It's great to see you, Lance. We've been anxiously awaiting your visit." He stepped back and took a long look at me. "You look good! I can see your Dad's characteristics in you. I've enjoyed helping you and your family so much over the past years." 

I appreciated his assessment. But his final sentence caught my interest. "What do you mean by that, Grandpa? How have you helped us?"

"Oh Lance, you'd be surprised how involved many of us are in your lives," he responded. "it's really quite exciting. We'll show you more about how it works in a while." 

Randy looked at me with a smile. "In most cases, Lance, when you pray to God for help, it is your dead relatives and loved ones who are sent by God to help you in answer to your prayers. Thus we weld links and bonds of love within the family forever. The family is the central and eternal unity of our society...And so, those relatives of yours who have lived righteous lives can be used as ministering servants, by God, to assist His children who are still in mortality. We serve you, and you serve us. It is the mode of heaven." (underlines added)

I think I choked up right at the moment I read the word "links." The symbolism gets me every time. I love my son's name.

The spirit bore witness at that time the truthfulness of that statement. And that was the moment my mind started thinking about Link and realizing that his mission while he was here - and continuing on the other side - is strengthening those "links" in our family chain  - as well as forming new ones. My heart was full, knowing how many loved ones from the other side have helped us and continue to help us every day. I also started really having a desire to serve them as well and have been pondering how to do this. I have come up with some exciting ideas and we plan to implement them on his angelversary. I will definitely be doing a blog post about that, but I wanted to share the initial idea  and share my testimony that I do know that God has an eternal plan for each one of us - and it is always connected with FAMILY. That word - FAMILY - is so very sacred to me. It was always important to me. Now, it is truly sacred. I am so thankful for a knowledge of forever families. I am SO thankful for the knowledge that my sweet son, my grandpas, my grandmas, aunts, and other relatives and friends are not only WATCHING OVER us, but actually HELPING us in a very real way.

We will definitely be sharing copies of this book. It was awesome!

July Newsletter & Slideshow

FAMILY:  July is generally a busy month for our family, but this month seemed EXTRA busy this year. The 4^th was spent in Richfield – painting patriotic nails, going to the parade (Uncle Jeff was on the 20 year class reunion float & Grandma & Grandpa Devenish were on the Daughters of the Utah Pioneers float!), playing at the park, doing the water slide, riding on the Razor, enjoying the fireworks. We were in Richfield on the 5^th – Ireland’s birthday – and we celebrated by driving to the Manti Pool. Everyone had a lot of fun! See Ireland’s section for more of her birthday fun. We got to have Camri & Daken come stay with us for a couple days and had so much fun having FHE (including a “Golden Rule” lip sync), going to see Epic in the movie theatre (& getting ice cream at Bullock Drug afterward), playing water games in the backyard, going to Discovery Park, making stamped baked & painted clay, and putting up & trying out our new porch swing. We loved having them! On the 12^th, we went to Lagoon with the Edwards & Potts. The girls had SUCH a fun time going on all the rides, eating yummy food, and being with their cousins & family. They are still talking about how much fun they had and when they will go back. Grandpa Potts took us all to see Despicable Me 2 while we were – thanks Grandpa! And on Sunday, we celebrated Ireland & Joshua’s birthdays with presents and singing and cake J The 22^nd, we went to a potluck at the park with some friends. The girls had fun – at least until Ireland crashed on her scooter & we had to take her to the instacare. The 24^th was spend here in Cedar & the girls got to ride on a float! We went to the ward breakfast in the morning & then headed over to main street. The girls and Heidi were dressed up as pioneer girls and we had fun waving to everyone on main (though we were almost the last float and it took a while to even get going) and getting otter pops at the end! Jason wasn’t able to come in the morning but after the parade we met him at Arctic Circle for lunch J On the 27^th, we had a major rainstorm in Cedar and got 2.2 inches in about an hour. It was REALLY coming down! We got some water in our basement, but it wasn’t too bad, but the Bealers’ parents had a couple inches of water in their basement & Jason went to help while we hung out at the Bealers without electricity. It was actually pretty fun to have candles, eat yummy food, visit with friends, and watch the rain come. By the time we left, the power had turned on again. Amidst all that was going on this month, what really made it busy was our extra projects – we finally got a fence in the backyard (though we had to sacrifice some grass to get it), the upstairs deck got finished (after a month!), we got a patio set for the upstairs deck. We put up a swinging bench in the front porch (which we have loved climbing on to read Narnia – we’re on the 3^rd book), hanging hammock chairs on the bottom deck and HOORAY! A big tube slide from the bottom deck to the backyard grass! (that one only took us a few attempts because it would be so boring to put it together the right way the FIRST time!) ;-)

JASON: Jason was busy with a lot of the projects around the house this month. Also – on the 18-20^th, Jason went on a big hike with the scouts to Great Basin National Park. He did a lot to prepare for it – bought a nice mess kit, mini stove, light sleeping bag & pad, etc – and spent a while getting packed so it wouldn’t be too heavy.  He got to go to THREE different sporting goods stores (Sportsmans, Scheels, Cabellas) while he was in Salt Lake to find all his gear, so he had fun doing that.  He said the hike was really nice – we got to see some neat videos where they hiked to the top of Pyramid Peak. He also got to fish in a couple of the small lakes around there & caught some nice fish. He said when he reached one of the peaks, his heart was hurting that he wouldn’t get to go on that hike with his son, but after that he had a distinct impression that Link was indeed with him. That was a special experience for him. It was a 12 mile hike and it turns out Jason didn’t have the best socks or shoes for the hike. When he got home, he had two baseball-sized blisters on his heels and a few smaller ones on other parts of his foot. He was not walking well for over a week L He also went cat fishing with McKinley & Joseph while they were in Salt Lake & had fun & caught some big ones!

 HEIDI: Heidi had a tough time on the evening of the 4^th of July. It was great to be with family & celebrate independence – and at the same time she really missed her baby boy and wanted him to be there with everyone to experience the festivities. Much of July was spent getting her home ready for the Potts retreat in August – organizing, decorating, creating, cleaning. She was able to hang more decorations in their master bedroom, build a headboard for their master bed – along with putting together a bed frame, put together a memorial shelf in Link’s room and clean out some of this things (that was another difficult time), paint a bench for the front porch, hang some decorative stars, hang the swinging bench, buy the patio set for the upstairs deck, and do lots of organizing and cleaning. It has been a lot of work, but after these projects got done, it really started to feel more like home. On the 19^th, Heidi & the girls went to the Enoch cemetery to support another angel mom on her son’s 1^st angelversary. It was a neat time & she got to meet a couple other local angel moms. She continues to run with Krista & LuAnn, but realized she scheduled her trip to see Tiffany over the weekend of the Cedar Half L That was a big bummer. She did read some really good books this month – Flipped and Forbidden Sea.

McKINLEY:

-McKinley’s creativity continues as she makes various projects & inventions – one of which was duct-taping a can to her shoe for some makeshift stilts. She even had mom video tape her talking about her invention.

-McKinley was so sweet on the 4^th of July. While the big fireworks were going off, she came into mom’s room while she was having a hard time missing her baby boy. Mom kept telling her to go out & watch the fireworks, but McKinley wouldn’t leave. She said “Mom – you are more important than fireworks.”

-McKinley was quite the dare-devil at Lagoon, which surprised us because she’s scared to go down a hill on her bike – or go up ladders either. But she was gung-ho for Wicked, The Colassuas, and even the Rockets! Mom & Dad had fun with her since she was the only one of the girls who was tall enough to go on all the rides.

-Trisha did mom’s hair while we were in Salt Lake. Mom got in the van afterwards & McKinley said “Mom – did you get your hair repolished?”

-McKinley has really gotten into watching Wild Kratts this past month – a real show/cartoon about a couple of brothers that learn about all kinds of different animals.

-McKinley has been working on learning to type with an online program and she’s also worked on memorizing her multiplication tables.

-McKinley says “My favorite part of July was going to Lagoon and going on Wicked!”

IRELAND:

-Happy 6^th birthday Ireland!!! Mom forgot to bring the birthday things to Richfield this year, so we had to improvise with a homemade sign and crown. She chose chocolate cereal for breakfast, ramen noodles for lunch, and pizza for dinner. The afternoon of her birthday, she chose to go swimming at the Manti swimming pool. We went with Grandma Devenish, the Reeds, and the Hamiltons. It was a lot of fun! Some favorite gifts were an umbrella & sleeping bag from mom and dad, cowgirl boots from Grandma Devenish, a new dress and necklace from the Hamiltons (who took her to two different stores because she was so picky and one was not soft enough and one was not sparkly enough and one was not twirly enough), and a leotard with a tutu from Grandma Potts. She got a wonderful chocolate cake from Grandma Devenish and a My Little Pony cake from Aunt Cindy later in the month.  

-On Ireland’s birthday, she said “Do I look all grown up now, mommy?”

-The Sunday after Ireland’s birthday, she raised her hand in primary & the primary president said “yes, Ireland?” and Ireland said “I have a question. Ummm… it was my birthday last week, so…” wherein they proceeded to sing her happy birthday J

-One day, mom was in Link’s room – on the floor, crying. Ireland came in, sat on her lap, gave her a BIG hug, and cried as she said “I miss him, too.”

-At the potluck on the 22^nd, Ireland crashed on her scooter & mom took her to instacare. They x-rayed her arm and said there was a tiny fracture. They sent us home with a brace which she wore for a few days & then it felt better.

-One morning Ireland apparently REALLY didn’t want to do her morning things. Mom asked her to do them, she walked away, and then came back with a paper that said “NO NO NO NO” about 50x.

-Mom found the girls making some creation out of the craft things and she asked what they were doing. Ireland said “We’re making a hide out for the creditors.” (critters) J

-We were driving somewhere one day & Ireland was asking about how mom knew where to go. Mom started explaining about learning addresses & then Ireland interrupted “Well, you know where to go because the Holy Ghost gives you directions.”

-Ireland says “that I love you, mommy. Mommy is great. I liked going to the parade and I liked my cake and ice cream was so yummy & delicious and I like for my friends to come over.”

KEZIA

-Kezia said “Once Tundra died, right?” (We love how she says “right?” after most of her statements or questions).

-Mom was teaching her primary class & heard a child screaming REALLY LOUD somewhere. After a few moments, she realized it was her very own child & told her class she’d be right back. Mom found Kezia two doors down screaming her lungs out. Mom tried to talk to her and finally understood that she had seen Jenny (Dowse’s) mom in the hall and wanted to go say hi, but they didn’t let her. Sometimes she gets a little fussy about little things.

-One day after church, Kezi said “They told me in my class that if you get married in the temple, you can stay with them forever.” Love that she is learning such precious truths.

-We went to the Enoch Cemetery to support a friend’s baby’s one year angelversary. We wrote on balloons & mom asked what Kezia wanted to say on her balloon. She said “Dear Link – come back to our house.”

-Kezia has had a hard time staying in her seat the whole time of Primary. She keeps running back to mom to tell her something or give her something. One time was cute, though. We had just sung “Give said the Little Stream.” Kezi ran back to mom & said “Mom – I have to tell her that it’s Link’s song!” (she remembered that Link’s bedtime song is to the tune of “Give Said the Little Stream”)

-Kezi had a fun time being on the float for the 24^th of July – but we were one of the last floats & by the time we were halfway down Main Street, she told mom “I’m running out of waving.”

-If it were up to Kezia, we would have at least 10 more people or animals living in our home. If she meets a person or animal she likes, she will sigh and say “I wish that doggy/kitty/girl lived with us, mom.”

-When we eat breakfast in the morning, before mom can pour the milk on her cereal, Kezia always has to pat it down flat.

-Kezi pointed to her gums one day and said “My guys fell better!”

-Kezia calls Wild Kratts (the TV show), Wild Crafts. We actually think that sounds like a GREAT reality show!”

-Lately Kezia has been saying “Ah- Darnit!” a lot J

-Kezia says “dear dad. I love you, dad. I am awesome, dad. Really excited for Lagoon. Thank you for taking us to the movie theater.”

  

LINK:

You would have been 8 months old this month, our baby boy. On that day, you sent a BEAUTIFUL double-rainbow that stretched over the entire valley. The colors were so vivid. It was so beautiful. THANK YOU. I’m sure you knew how much we needed that love note from God and from you. Thank you for being there for your daddy when he was missing you at the top of the mountain on his hike. Thank you for watching over us and loving us from above. I’m sure you knew what a hard time your mommy had this month – missing you on the 4^th of July… as she put away some of your diapers, toys, and blankets. I’m sure you saw her many tears as she filed away your stack of medical papers. It’s hard not to think of all you’d be doing now. I’m sure this part of the newsletter would be filled with new foods you’d tried, messes you’d made, crawling you’d conquered, fireworks you’d witnessed for the first time, and memories you’d made. We are trying to really look for those love notes instead of on the pain of not having you here. Some days are harder than others. We are starting to plan ways to honor you on your birthday – donations/service to the Ronald McDonald house and your angelversary – strengthening “links” in our earthly & heavenly families. We are excited for this, because we strongly feel you letting us know that your mission was and is strengthening those family “links.” We love and miss you EVERY single day. We look for you in the clouds, the wind, the rain, the sun, the sunrises, the sunsets, and the rainbows. We know you are there. We love you.