Noelle Eve Hamilton

Preparing for Noelle to come was interesting for me. Physically, I'm sure I was ready to be done with this pregnancy two months ago, but preparing for her emotionally took quite a bit longer. I actually started therapy about 6 weeks before she was born. I wanted to work through some anxieties & fears I had about her coming before she got here. It was a lot of hard work. And having it all around the time of Link's angelversary added to the emotional drain, but as we neared Noelle's birth day, I felt more peace and excitement and less fear and doubt.

All my girls were overdue - Link was a week early because my water broke - so I was surprised that I was actually dilated to a 2+ at 38 weeks and a 3 at 39 weeks, so we were able to set an induction date. In our family we have birthdays on the 5th, 6th, 7th, and 9th, so I thought it would be neat to see if we could have her on the 8th if she didn't come by then. Well, she didn't come by then :) I had pretty strong and painful contractions, but they were never regular, so the 8th it was!

4 am was the induction time. Honestly, it could have been anytime in the night because I didn't get more than an hour of sleep. I was emotional, excited, grateful. Jason gave me a beautiful blessing and I was truly looking forward to meeting our new baby girl. We got up about 3:15, prayed, ate, gathered our few last-minute things, took some pics and off we went to the hospital. I made sure to bring my pictures of Link & the girls, as well as wear my Link bracelet & earrings. Thanks to mom who stayed with the girls in the morning & got them off to school! 

Once we got there & situated, they checked me (I was a 4) and started the pitocin about 5am. My deal with this pregnancy was that if I went into labor completely on my own, I would try & go natural, but if my water was broken or I had to get pitocin, bring on the epidural. I had the same anesthesiologist as I had with Link for my epidural & it was, once again, fabulous. I could move my legs, but had no pain. Which was, again, a very good thing for all they had to do at the end. At about 8:30 or so, my midwife came in and broke my water & stripped my membranes. After that the contractions were coming faster. Her heartrate decelerated when the contractions came, so I turned on my side for a while & my other side for another while. At about 10am  the nurse checked me and I was at an 8. Yay! But the heartrate was decelerating even more with every contraction - into the 60s & 70s. I really got worried when I'd hear her regular little galloping heartbeat & then the contractions would come and it would really slow down to sound like an adult heartbeat. My midwife came & decided that I needed to have that baby right away. Also - they had seen some meconium leaking & wanted to get her here. Well, apparently (like Link) she was posterior and took some convincing to turn. So I pushed on my back, then on my side, while Jason was trying to push my tummy to one side as I pushed her out. Everything was just kind of crazy for a bit. They called Dr. Polson - our peditrician - and he came running. The heartrate still seemed way too slow. And in between pushes, I looked up at the ceiling, the bright lights, and I prayed. I pleaded that Link would be there to get his baby sister here safely. I pleaded she would be okay and these medical professionals would know what to do. After she had turned, I was able to push her out (10:50 am), and I watched as my midwife untangled her from her cord. It was around her neck, under her arm, and around her leg. Scary. But she was finally, finally  here. And she was okay. And I was SO grateful. 

They placed her little purple body on my chest and I cried as I held her. I knew Link had been there, and somehow I felt his pure joy that his sister was here. He had done his job - he had watched over her and brought her safely into mortality. She must not have been that happy about it, though, because she screamed & screamed! For a good half hour to an hour, that baby girl let us know that she wasn't so happy about being here :-) It didn't bother me, though, because just hearing her cries was such a blessing. They let me hold her for quite a while & didn't take her from me until I wanted to see how much she weighed. 7 lbs 13 oz. 20 inches long. And the hair! Both Jason & I had had dreams of this little one and in both of them, she had a lot of dark hair, so it made me smile to see her exactly as we had pictured her. She was definitely the spirit we had been waiting for.

The girls came to see their baby sister at the hospital after school and were so very excited to finally meet Noelle. The first thing McKinley said was "I get to hold her without all the wires?"  I smiled a sad smile when she said that. Their experience with their brother was so different. I was thankful that they were able to hold her without the wires. She had to stay an extra day to be under the lights for jaundice, and Ireland really wasn't happy about that. Even though we assured her that jaundice is common & she would be able to come home the next day, she said "how do you know? How do you know you'll be able to come home?" Oh - the lingering fears. She's known another reality and surely hasn't forgotten it. Thankfully we were able to come home the next day (April 10th). I carried her carseat out and the nurse commented on how fast I was walking for someone who just gave birth. I smiled, but in my mind I was thinking of a year and a half ago, when it took almost 2 months to be able to do what I was doing - walk out of the hospital with my baby in their carseat - and I was going to get out of there as fast as I could before someone could stop me! :)

Noelle is 6 days old now. She is so so precious. I am cherishing this time with her - nursing her, watching her sleepy smiles, loving how she already seems so intent to focus on you or the fan or the light coming in through the windows. Since she came so fast, she had a lot of fluid still in her that took a good 3 days for her to cough up. We're glad she's done with that & seems to be eating, sleeping and pooping well :)

As for my anxieties, they are there. I still check on her a lot in the night and during the day - even more than I did with McKinley - and even though I have the Snuza monitor on her. I am intent to make sure she is breathing. Watching her chest rise and fall is what soothes my heart. 

A day or two ago, I took Noelle to her brother's grave. I told her about her wonderful, beautiful, brave brother. And I cried. I talked to Link, too. Thanked him for watching over his baby sister - and asking him to continue to do so. I cried as I told him how thankful I am for her - and how much I still love and miss him. I told him that he will never, ever be forgotten. And of how I am going to close my eyes when I kiss Noelle's sweet cheek and pretend I'm kissing both of them. I truly hope they will share a bond in this life and that she will teach me even more about him and his mission here. 

Overall, I am surprised at just how much joy she has brought me & our family. And, like I said, I have felt very strongly that Link is overjoyed she is here as well. I know it's strange, but I swear every picture I see him in lately, he seems to be smiling bigger & brighter. No - her entrance does not take away the pain and the dark night of grief - but having a baby to hold, to nurse, to kiss, to smell, to memorize... it helps. It heals.  The name "Noelle" (Noel) means "birthday of our Lord." We believe that Jesus was actually born in the spring - in April - so this fit perfectly (and starts with an "N," so now we have names that start with H, I, J, K, L, M & N) :) and just as the Savior's birth brought so much healing and hope, Noelle's birth has also brought that for our family. She is most undoubtedly my sunrise baby. Heard this song (can you tell that songs are one way the Spirit speaks directly to my soul?) the other day & it is PERFECT. My favorite line is "You alone can resurrect this heart of mine." Of course that line & this song is about the Savior - and He above all can heal me - and His gift of this sweet new soul is also part of that hope. That promise of love and light. With Easter this week, I am finding more hope, healing, and love than I have in quite a while. 

March Newsletter & Slideshow

https://picasaweb.google.com/103753336633055957263/2014_03_Slideshow

FAMILY:  March was a difficult month to face as we remembered our baby boy’s death. It was still full of tender mercies and wonderful family times, though. Aunt Cindy sent us a Flat Stanley at the beginning of the month & the girls had fun introducing him to the bunny, going on the slide with him, riding their scooters, etc. The 6^th was Heidi’s birthday & Jason & the girls were so sweet– read her section for more details. We headed to St. George on the 8^th to go to the temple. It was neat and the girls had fun playing with their cousins, along with Jason’s cousin’s girls, Sloan and Piper. Our sweet neighbor, Lori Blackner, is moving this month and she has been so great to give us toys she no longer needs – LOTS of barbies, paper dolls, a pretend fridge and sink, and lots of baby stuff. It’s been like Christmas around here with all the new toys! They are also very special because they were her daughter’s toys & she died 17 years ago from cancer.  Ireland & McKinley worked with their dad this month on science fair projects – see their sections for all the fun things they did. On the 16^th after church we headed to the park & brought Sydney & Rainbow Truck. It was such a nice day & they all had fun running around and playing.  The 17^th was St. Patrick’s Day & the girls had fun trying to go around pinching everyone. They made sure they wore their green – and even dressed Sydney in green so she wouldn’t get pinched – and we had Lucky Charms for breakfast, green sandwiches for lunch, and green eggs and ham for dinner! The 18^th was Ireland’s 1^st grade Little Engine that Could play & we all came to support her. It was so cute. The 19^th was the McKinley & Ireland’s last day of dance club on Wednesday afternoons after school. They have had fun! Grandma Potts came on the 25^th and stayed until the 30^th. She was so great to help with the girls, the house, and getting ready for Noelle. She & the girls had fun going to North Elementary to see their science fair projects,  playing guitar, doing the Easy Bake Oven, having a tea party, making cards and name links for Link’s angelversary, having lunch with Heidi, going to the park, having a chocolate treasure hunt, helping McKinley sew a hotpad, and going with McKinley & Heidi to Women’s Conference. We all loved having her here & looking forward to her return when Noelle comes. She also brought with her our nativity set from Jerusalem (YAY!!!), and 2 beautiful hand-made blankets for Noelle – one from GG Tew & one from Aunt Cindy. Mom also bought the movie Frozen this month and it has been watched at least a half-dozen times. The girls LOVE it!

JASON: Jason continues to be our handyman & save us lots of money – at the beginning of the month, he changed the brake pads on both vehicles. Jason enjoyed helping the girls come up with ideas for their science projects. He spent a lot of time on youtube looking up neat possibilities, buying things for their projects, and then experimenting and taking videos and pictures. He also enjoyed going to the science fair & seeing all the neat projects. He still likes to stay up late, learning about astrological happenings and economic and world changes. Jason had a business trip this month where he went to Ogden for a week. He said it went well & he enjoyed learning a lot and re-connecting with budget people in the region. He took the day off for Link’s angelversary and enjoyed doing temple work – especially sealings for our ancestors. He bought Link a shiny new matchbox car and placed it on the track at his grave. On the 30^th, Jason was in charge of a caving expedition with his scouts. They went to Bloomington cave, near St. George, and had a great time. In other big news, he finally cut his hair!! J

 HEIDI:  March was Heidi’s last full month of pregnancy & she is VERY thankful for that. Fatigue, along with soreness and carpal tunnel have been making it harder & harder to get basic things done. She is SO excited to get this baby girl out of her tummy and into her arms! She has been trying to cherish Noelle’s movements, though, and her regular hiccup episodes J There have been so many kind gifts given for Noelle – homemade blankets and onesies and clothing. It’s been so sweet. The 6^th was Heidi’s 35^th birthday. The family was so sweet and spoiled her – she got breakfast in bed with her favorite cereal – Golden Grahams. Jason worked from home that day and was extra sweet. When the girls got home, McKinley proceeded to get out things for mom’s at-home spa (Jason had made a special shopping trip the day before). She turned on relaxing music, put a facial mask on mom, cucumbers on her eyes, massages for her hands and feet (Ireland & Kezia helped with the messages), a foot soak, a yogurt parfait, and painting mom’s hands and feet. She got the idea of the spa from a Fancy Nancy book and it was as wonderful as could be J That evening, we had a sitter over while Heidi & Jason got to go to a nice restaurant – The Depot Grill. She also had a couple friends stop by with sweets and gifts. It was a wonderful birthday, even with the heartbreak of wanting Link here, too. Link’s angelversary was hard and sweet at the same time. She enjoyed the time at the temple and was humbled by the outpouring of love & support from family and friends that day – including flowers from the Keate & Corrys and a book from the Ekker & Cospers. She was so thankful that her mom was here and the end of the month to help with the girls and especially be there on the hardest day – the day that we put Link’s clothes into storage (see the blog for more details). That day was VERY difficult & she was thankful for the help of her mom & McKinley. Heidi was touched when the primary called her into the room and all the activity day girls were standing in the front with a handmade quilt. It was presented to her and was so very thoughtful! Most of the rest of any spare time in March was spent doing video transfers. She’s transferred over 100 videos! She was also excited for finally get her blogs printed into books! Yay!

McKINLEY:

-It was parent-teacher conferences this month & again McKinley’s teacher, Mrs. Hardin, had nothing but great things to say about McKinley – what a great student, friend, and leader she is. She has done so well on all her tests and is also a great helper. GREAT JOB McKINLEY!

-McKinley’s science fair project had to do with static electricity. With wool socks on, and dad’s wool boot liners, after she walked around on the carpet for a while, she was able to touch the wire of an LED lightbulb and make it light up! She had fun learning about protons, neutrons, electrons and atoms. Her project looked great and she was a finalist in her fair! AWESOME McKINLEY!

-McKinley has some math goals at school that she can work on in her spare time. She passed off addition earlier & this month she passed off subtraction and now she’s on to multiplication. YAY!

-McKinley has been wanting to come up with a dance routine, so she videotaped herself signing and doing actions to “Call Me Maybe.” It’s so cute. She also worked on memorizing “Beautiful for me” and has performed it for Grandma Potts and the Edwards.  

-Other McKinley creativity this month includes giving mom a full at-home spa treatment on her birthday, doing a VeggieTales puppet show, drawing different kinds of “girls” (butterfly girl, math girl, heart girl, etc) and writing sweet cards for her family.

-Grandma helped McKinley sew her first hotpad on her sewing machine! – thanks Grandma!

-We watched Link’s slideshow at the end of the day of his angelversary and at the end, McKinley had buried her face into her Link Bear and was crying. Mom held her close & they sobbed together. She really was missing her baby brother that day L We are so thankful that Link has McKinley for a sister – she is so sweet and loving and caring.

-Mom and dad had an interview with McKinley this month. Mom started out by asking her some questions & McKinley said “Mom – you’re being all parent-y”

-At the end of the month, McKinley got to do something really special! For the first time, they allowed all women and girls ages 8 and up to attend Women’s conference, so McKinley got to go with mom and grandma & it was a sweet experience. The talks, songs, and videos were so inspiring and we got to Hermie’s afterwards for fries and mozzarella sticks – yum!

IRELAND:

-Ireland finished all the books on her book in a bag list & got a gift certificate for a smoothie, so mom took her and Ireland over to Tropical Smoothie one day and got a yummy smoothie – way to go Ireland!

-Ireland’s parent-teacher conference went well this month. Mrs. Comstock says she is very creative, kind, and smart! She is one of the best readers in her class. We just need to work a little more on math!

-Mom went to her school a few times this past month & she had some fun things on the wall. One was a poster that said who her hero was. She wrote “my cousins.” And the other paper said she was lucky because… “I know how to count to ten. I have my teacher. I am cool. I can read” J

-For FHE, we were talking about the different ordinances we obtain and how they help us (and our dead by proxy in the temple) be together with our Heavenly Father again. Mom said “First comes baptism. What comes next?” Ireland piped up “then comes marriage. Then comes the baby in the baby carriage!”

- Ireland had a sore throat at the beginning of the month & mom found out it was strep with an at-home test. At the doctor’s, she had the choice for a single shot or 10 days of antibiotics. She chose the antibiotics (which she complained about for the next 10 days). Glad we’re done with that! Poor Ireland had to miss a fun field trip L the doctor told us to keep track of her strep to make sure she won’t need her tonsils out.

-Ireland’s science project was fun – it was an experiment using a vase, balloons, baking soda, and vinegar. When the baking soda was poured into the vinegar, it would react and fill the balloon with carbon dioxide. It was fun to watch and use different amounts of ingredients to see how big the balloons would get. Her project turned out really great!

-Ireland made a sweet surprise for mom – she took 15 pieces of paper, folded each one in half, and made a heart. She gave all 15 hearts to mom!

-Ireland has had a hard time finding friend to play with lately L Her good friend Isabella moved away, and she doesn’t have the numbers of most of her school friends L

-Ireland was SO CUTE in her Little Engine that Could 1^st grade play. She was part of the Little Blue Train – the hero train! And we loved to hear her little song “I think I can, I think I can… I try, try, try cuz I think I can!” It was so fun!

-Ireland had a very hard night one night when she made a bad choice with grandma’s ipad and couldn’t have ice cream with the rest of the family. She REALLY threw a fit and was screaming and hitting and kicking and yelling very mean things at mom & dad. It was a sad night to see her struggle, but thankfully by bedtime, she had calmed down and was okay.

KEZIA –

-It was Kezia’s lunch date this month and she got to go to IHOP with dad on a Saturday morning. How fun!

-Kezia is rocking her sight words! Her preschool teacher gave her a bunch of printed cards with sight words and she has about 80% memorized. Also – we use the MySightWords app to learn words and she’s up to about 50 words. Yay Kezia!

-Mom must have looked very tired because one morning, Kezia patted mom on the arm & said “mom, I think you should rest while I’m at preschool.”

-Noelle was moving around during sacrament meeting one day & mom put Kezia’s hand on her tummy. Kezia said in a rather loud voice “I think that’s probably her bum, mom!”

-Kezia asked mom one day “how many o’clocks is it?”

-One of the things Kezia has been saying a lot lately is “What the what!?”

-For some reason, Kezia is obsessed lately with making cards and putting them in envelopes to mail to people. She will make 3-5 a day for people – friends, church people, etc – and give them to mom to send in the mail. Tiarra and Aunt Keeley were both sick this past month & Kezia immediately went & drew them a get well picture. Thankfully, she let mom just take a picture & text it to them without having to mail it J Kezi is getting really good at sounding out words and writing them. Mom & dad can usually tell what she has written!

-In the store one day, Kezia made a sad choice and ate some lettuce from the produce department, so mom had to end up buying it. Mom said she was disappointed in Kezia, but Kezia was mad right back and said “if you keep saying that, I will take away your hearts” (she often says I love you infinity hearts)

-We were heading out the door one day & mom asked her to get her coat on, reminding her it was on the floor. Kezia said “Indeed it is.”

-one day as we were driving, Kezia said “We shouldn’t do this – huh, mom?” Mom looked back to see her sticking up her middle finger. She kept doing it and asking mom & mom kept saying “yes, that is not a nice thing to do.” Kezia said “yeah… it makes Jesus feel bad.”

-Kezia has been planning out her birthday for 2 months (or more). Her birthday isn’t till October, but she knows she wants a Frozen cake with Anna and Elsa rings on it, an Olaf piñata, an Elsa dress, pink and purple hats, balloons that say happy birthday with silly faces on them, and she already knows who she is inviting. Quite the planner!!

-Speaking of birthdays, Kezi LOVES birthday parties. She takes the church program to mom on Sunday in sacrament meeting, points at the list of birthdays and says “who’s birthday party can we go to?”

-In ward conference, we were sustaining church leaders and he said “D. Todd Christofferson.” Kezi, looked at mom with wide eyes and said excitedely “mom – he said Kristoff!” (from the movie Frozen)

-Kezi also likes to draw pictures of Super Mario or My Little Pony, and tape them above and around the beds.

-Mom realized just how much Kezi gets a hold of her phone at the end of the month and she is downloading pictures & videos and there are QUITE a few self pictures & videos of miss Kezia.

LINK:

Link must have known how hard this month would be on us and he sent us so many beautiful sunrises, sunsets and rainbows. We even saw a little rainbow on the mortuary building where he had been – and Trisha caught a rainbow on his angelversary. Mom was also allowed to have a beautiful dream where she got to hold him and tell him how very much she loved him and he gazed back at her with so very much love. It was wonderful. Another sweet love note was Heidi’s SIDS mom friend had a dream the night before his angelversary about Link, her son Wilhelm, and another SIDS mom’s son, Charlie, all sitting on a rainbow quilt, playing, drooling, and baby talking together. It was SUCH a sweet, tender mercy to learn of her dream. This month, they finally published Link’s story in the Dixie Regional Medical Center’s newsletter. It got 335 “likes,” 63 “shares” & 43 sweet comments. It was great to feel like Link’s story touched others’ lives and made them want to also do something for someone else. For Link’s angelversary, Jason & Heidi went to the temple in the morning (after seeing a beautiful sunrise) & were able to do an endowment session and 11 sealings! It was a wonderful experience and we both felt like Link was close. That afternoon, amidst the snow, we brought homemade cards to his bench and let go of balloons. Afterwards we watched his funeral slideshow and held our Link Bears. Later, we brought almost THIRTY family names, linked together in a chain, to decorate his bench with, including names of friends who had done family names in Link’s honor. It was so neat to see all those sweet names on his bench and feel his spirit and know we are helping him in the work. Also, Jason’s cousin, Shannon Richardson, has a baby boy who’s birthday is on the same day as we buried Link and in leiu of gifts every year for Connor’s birthday, she is asking for donations for the Ronald McDonald House in Link’s name. She was able to raise $180 this year – THANKS SO MUCH Shannon! Going through Link’s clothes this month and boxing them up to make way for Noelle’s was a heart-wrenching experience. So many sweet memories with those clothes & it made us miss our baby boy SO much! We can’t believe it’s been a whole year – and at the same time, it’s a whole year closer to being with him again. We are praying for his help this next month in watching over and helping his new baby sister enter this world. WE LOVE YOU LINK!!!

Painful Progression

I remember driving back to the church after the cemetery. It was just Jason & I in the car. We were both exhausted. Silent. In shock of what we had just witnessed. But, for some reason, I turned to him & said "the crazy thing is that I don't think this is the hardest day." 

It seems impossible - how could anything be harder than watching a tiny white casket get lowered into the ground with the body of your precious son inside? 

But yesterday, for me, was a harder day. With the help of my mother and my daughter and Heavenly Father (Jason was out of town), I went through Link's closet and I took his clothes off the hangers. Pulled them out of his drawers. I smelled them. And I sobbed into them. Soul-wrenching, devastating, angry, sorrowful, sobs. 

There was his little "Stuffed" onesie that he wore on Thanksgiving day when he was in the St. George NICU. The blue and grey giraffe outfit - the first real clothes he wore - on the day we were finally discharged from the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia. The little Santa jammies Grandma Potts gave him that he wore on Christmas day as he was passed around as our "miracle baby." The handmade onesies Aunt Trisha had given him. The orange & grey "All-Star" outfit..Oh he was SO handsome in that outfit! The Broncos sweatshirt that he had worn on a football Sunday. His soft, white blessing outfit, complete with tiny bow tie. Sigh... And then the bag of clothes that were in his dirty clothes - for a year. I couldn't bring myself to wash them until yesterday. And that brought on a whole new set of tears. The blanket he died in. The bear shirt that they had to cut open... it was almost too much. I almost gave up. It's too hard. Just too hard. 

Finally, it was in boxes. And we brought in the girl clothes for Noelle. More tears. I felt like I was betraying my baby boy. Replacing him. Moving on without him. To take out all his clothes - the cars and trucks and sports and bugs and dinosaurs - and replace them with bows and frills and pinks... there are no words. I missed him so much. My only baby boy. 

I haven't yet written about his angelversary. When people ask me how it went, I havne't been able to think of one word to describe it yet. There were some VERY difficult moments. And there were some very peaceful, wonderful, joyful moments. It started with Ireland

coming into our room in the morning & excitedly saying "Mom! get up! There's a beautiful sunrise outside & you have to come take a picture of it!" So - I got up. And she was right. It was full of clouds and pinks and it was beautiful. We let the girls stay out of school that day. I was so thankful my mom was here to be with them. Jason and I headed to the temple with family names and that was the best place we could be on that day. We were able to do work for many ancestors - including 11 (eleven!) sealings! There was so much joy in that room during

those sealings. I am so thankful we were able to be there that day & help our ancestors and feel the spirit of our son. I felt like I was doing something for him to honor him - I felt like I was giving him a gift. Our drive home was a blustery one - it started as rain, but was a snow storm by the time we got to Cedar. Crazy Utah Spring weather! So - needless to say, the time at the cemetery was shorter than I'd hoped - and we had to wait to bring our chain link of family names - but we did bring letters to him as well as let go of balloons. Jason also had bought him a matchbox car to give him & he unwrapped it & placed it on the "racetrack." Then Jason &I took a moment to be by his grave and let it all sink in. And I sobbed. We watched his funeral slideshow when we got back and had to use LOTS of tissues. After it was over, I looked over at McKinley & she had her Link bear over her face and was crying. I held her close and she just sobbed and sobbed. I was thankful to be there with her and cry with her - just as we did one year ago that night. 

In between all of this, there were loving, caring phone calls, text messages, e-mails, visits, gifts, etc. My sweet friend sent flowers.Jason's mom came bearing gifts and love. A wonderful family in our ward who had just experienced their own huge loss came and brought a book and cards. My sisters' families watched Link's slideshow. One of them sent me a picture of a rainbow they had seen. Another one sent me a picture of their family gathering to talk about Link. A couple people sent e-mails with names of temple work they had done for family members (thank you!!) on behalf of Link.One of my good SIDS mom friends had a dream with her son, Link, and another SIDS baby, all playing together on a rainbow quilt. Sweet, tender mercies. 

The evening before his angelversary, we were reading in The Friend magazine & it talked about the story of Jarius' daughter being raised from the dead. They had come to tell the father that it was too late- she was already gone. I am sure I can envision the devastation in the father's eyes and heart when he was told that. Jesus' response was "Fear not. Only Believe." Those words stuck with me throughout the next day of Link's angelversary. You see, lately the questions have come more. The doubts. The "WHY?"s A year later & none of it makes any more sense than on the day it happened. I still just cannot understand why he was taken from us - especially after all we went through to get him cured. But after hearing those words, I felt like the Lord was gently telling me "Heidi... it is not your job to understand. It is your job to believe." And I realized that those words seem familiar. How many times have I told my children, in effect,  "listen sweetheart, you don't need to understand why I'm asking you to do this. I just need you to obey and trust that whatever I ask you to do is going to be for the best."  So - I'm having faith that my Heavenly Father really does know what is best for me. Everything in my plan is going to be for the best. Even the painful things. He is God. I am not. He sees the bigger, eternal picture. I do not. So, this Sabbath morning, as my eyes are still swollen from yesterday's sobbing, I am taking a deep breath. I am looking ahead and trusting that "the best is yet to be!" and I am trying to find the joy in all He has given me. I am truly blessed. 

Link's bench draped with the chain of names that we & other family & friends had brought to the temple. There were 24!! We came to know and love each one of these names & are looking forward to finding more. 

Mary Poppins

In five days, it will be March 26th. 

A year ago, that date meant nothing to me. Just another March day. Now... that date has been seared in my mind and heart forever. 

I have been dreading March all together. Everything seems heavier.  That date feels like it's been looming, sometimes taking the brightness right out of the sun and the green right out of those shoots coming out of the ground. 

I can't hide from March 26th. It is almost here and it means that I have lived and breathed for almost a year while my son has not. And nothing about that seems right or good or fair. 

My mind can't stop going back to that unfathomable day and the days to follow. 

His eyes that would not see. 
His chest that would not rise and fall. 
His toes that would not be tickled.
His hands that would not grasp mine. 
His lips that would not smile. 
His voice that would not coo, cry, or laugh. 

I had such a hard time being close to his body. My spirit reached for his spirit, but it was gone. That connection was broken and all that was left was a shell of a being that used to be my son. 

I think, too, of the weeks and months following his death. Trying to find meaning... trying to find hope and comfort and peace again. My entire family came in August for a retreat/reunion. We went to go see Mary Poppins at the Tuacahn. I was prepared for a night away - for familiar songs and a familiar storyline. I hadn't seen the Broadway version until that night and, for me, it was rather life-changing. 

I don't know when it happened...somewhere into the second act, I began to realize that the story of Mary Poppins held similarities to the story of my son's life. I know that may sound strange and even cheesy, but it's true. Here’s the line that struck me & I could not stop the tears – from George Banks - "You know what I think? It’s that Mary Poppins woman. From the moment she stepped foot in this house, things began to happen to me. My world was calm, well ordered, exemplary. Then comes this ‘person’, with chaos in her wake. And now my life’s ambitions go, with one fell blow. It’s quite a bitter pill to take."

And, there it was. I felt the same way as George Banks when Link came – he turned my life upside-down. Not that my life was necessarily "calm, well ordered, exemplary," but whatever it was, it definitely changed. Everything was different. All chaos. No order. Living in the hospital. He put us through things that we never ever expected, similar to Mary Poppins. Crazy things. Miracles. He changed our family forever. Just like she changed the Banks’ family. Just as she helped them SEE THEMSELVES – see what was really important – help them realize their dreams, so our son did for us. And when her mission was complete – just as his – she didn’t say goodbye but left abruptly. She was sad to go, but she had done what she came to do. 

The ending song - Anything Can Happen - gives me hope for the future with the message (once again) that I can find myself again. That if I let it, Link's life can change me in ways that I never imagined. Here are some of my favorite parts:

Changes can be made
You can move a mountain if you use a larger spade

Anything can happen, it's a marvel

You can be a butterfly
Or just stay larval

Stretch your mind beyond fantastic 
dreams are made or strong elastic

Take some sound advice and don't forget it
Anything Can Happen if you let it

Broaden Your Horizon
Open different doors
You may find a you there that you never knew was yours

If you reach for the stars all you get are the stars
but we've found a whole new spin
if you reach for the heavens you get the stars thrown in 
Anything can happen if you let it
life out there waiting so go and get it
grab it by the collar seize it by the scruff
once you've started living life you just can't get enough 
Anything can happen it's official
you can choose the super or the superficial
sally forth the way we're steering
obstacles start disappearing
go and chase your dreams
you won't regret it 
Anything can happen 
Anything can happen

If you let it

And the last few lines of the play sent the tears rolling again...

George:
Look! wasn't that a shooting star?

Michael:
You can borrow my telescope.

George:
I was right. Wish on it, Children!
Winifred - my dearest love.

Jane:
We won't forget you, Mary Poppins.

Michael:
We'll never forget...

I'll never forget. Never forget Link's life. His death. His mission. A year later and I am still trying to learn all the lessons Heavenly Father has for me through Link – I know our whole family is. I pray that I won’t shove them away, but I will embrace the changes we need to make to focus on what’s important and REAL in our lives. I was so thankful to have been able to go to that play. It was more than entertaining (though it was that, too – fireworks, amazing dance numbers, great singing, etc), it was truly inspirational for me. 

I love you, my son. I miss you every second of every day. I try not to drown in my sadness. Some days are harder than others, but I know you are close & watch over us. I know you know how much I love you. I tell you in my letters to you. I tell you in my prayers. I tell you in my dreams. Thank you for being with us for those 139 days. I cherish the memory of every single one of them. 

February Newsletter & Slideshow

https://picasaweb.google.com/103753336633055957263/2014_02_Slideshow

FAMILY:  On the first Sunday of the month, the girls got to hand out programs at church and were so cute, smiling and welcoming everyone as they entered the chapel. Jason & Heidi got to go to the temple twice this month (thank you Camri!!) & loved taking family names through. On the 7^th, Heidi took a great aunt on her side & Jason took a great uncle on his side – both of which had birthdays of September 9^th, which is McKinley’s birthday! Pretty neat! Jason took the girls sledding after our one big snowstorm at the beginning of the month & they had a great time.  On the 12^th, we headed down to St. George again – this time for another Noelle ultrasound. The girls all came and we loved seeing how much she’d grown since we last had an ultrasound at about 19 weeks. The 3D even showed how chubby and cute her cheeks are getting J Afterwards, we headed to the park and enjoyed some exercise and sunshine.  Valentines was a fun day. Daddy bought the girls their white roses and mom got a dozen red ones, along with candy. Daddy also made pink heart pancakes for breakfast. Mom “heart-attacked” the girls doors with post-it notes featuring all the things she loves about them. Mom fixed their hair in hearts and they brought back lots of candy from school. Dad took the day off to be a watchdog at their school – meaning a helper and a safety guy. The girls had been looking forward to that all year long & were SO excited to get to see their dad at school & play with him at recess!  That evening the girls hung out at the Bealers while mom and dad went to see The Secret Life of Walter Mitty and then out for a romantic dinner at The Garden House. It was a wonderful day. We got to see the Corrys new baby boy this month, Kaden. He is really cute and we are so excited for their family! When Jason went on an overnight scout trip this month, Heidi decided to let the girls have a lateover. McKinley invited Kiersten Corry and Ireland invited Shaylee Johnson. We had fun making & eating pizza, painting nails, watching the “real” 101 Dalmations, and eating caramel popcorn J The 17^th was President’s Day & we had full intentions of going on the Kanarraville Falls hike. Unfortunately, it seemed to be ill-fated. Neither Jason nor Heidi brought money & the parking lot was $10, so Jason parked about a ½ mile away & walked up to meet us, but then we saw a sign that said NO DOGS and we had Sydney with us. Sigh… so, we headed back home. We still had fun, though, and Jason took McKinley out for a date while mom took Ireland & Kezia swimming. The girls also had fun this month going to our neighbor, Mahina’s, birthday party. They had been looking forward to it all week and had a lot of fun. We have been really lacking in moisture here in Utah this year. We fasted for moisture and got some, but it melted pretty quickly. It has sure made it nice, though. We’ve gone on walks, the girls have ridden their scooters & bikes & played in the backyard more. We also enjoyed watching the Olympics this month, though for part of the month it didn’t come in on our TV. We did get to see ice dancing, some bobsledding, the ski halfpipe, some slalom, and women’s skating. It was a lot of fun and the girls had fun staying up late J GO USA!

JASON: Heidi made “14 days of Valentines” for her sweetie this month & had fun leaving all sorts of treats for him every day, along with witty sayings J  Jason enjoyed being a watchdog at the girls’ school and getting to meet their teachers and friends and help out. Jason enjoyed watching the superbowl – at least half of it – Denver pretty much gave up the game from the beginning, so we ended up watching America’s Funniest Home Videos. Jason had an overnighter with the scouts this month up at the Davies cabin. He said they played a fun game & had a good time. They also hiked the Bristlecone Trail. Jason got a sweet surprise in the mail this month from our good friend, Vic Jackson (Lucy Jackson’s dad). He had made him a dog tag with a picture of Link on one side and picture of Link and Jason on the other. He wrote a sweet note about how dog tags identify people and Link is a part of Jason’s identity. Jason has worn it quite a bit and it’s such a neat gift. He has also taken more time this month for family history and enjoyed talking with his Aunt Margaret on the phone – clearing up some confusion & getting more information about his relatives on that side. Jason apparently has decided to grow his hair out & it’s almost long enough to braid now!

 HEIDI:  Heidi was busy with her calling this month - making posters for the upcoming Relief Society meeting about family history work. She also made flyers and door-to-door postcards. It was fun to get to be creative J Heidi still deals with the 3^rd trimester difficulties, but it’s par for the course. She went to the chiropractor a few times, but didn’t notice a major difference, so she is just trying to stay active and do yoga to help with the carpal tunnel, sciatic pain, and achy hips. She is grateful for all her helpers that pick things off the floor for her J She did have a bit of a scare in the middle of the month when Noelle wasn’t moving quite as much as she usually does – she went into the hospital in the morning and they did a non-stress test and she was fine, which was such a relief to Heidi.  She went to a Share service day, where she got to help make headbands for stillborn babies & visit with some great ladies. Much of this month was spent in memory projects for Heidi. She has scanned all her hard copy pictures up through college and has transferred probably 50+ video or camcorder tapes to her computer. She has enjoyed seeing these videos – especially the ones from when she was in elementary school. One of them reminds her very much of Ireland. She also shared a couple of these videos (from 1984 &85) with her family & got lots of fun comments & reminiscing. One night while dad was at scouts, Kezia got out the lotion and each of the girls took a hand or a foot and gave mom a wonderful massage. It was so nice.  The girls have also been cute about wanting to fix mom’s hair this month. They will fix and brush and spray and primp and eye-shadow till mom is just beautiful! Heidi decided to go ahead and start therapy this month to help her deal with some anxiety she is having about Noelle’s upcoming birth. The first day brought out more emotions than anticipated & she was pretty emotional all day long. The family was so sweet, though, and brought her breakfast in bed to help her feel better the next day. She is sure thankful for her family.

McKINLEY:

-McKinley had fun at activity days this month – including sweeping Sage Drive and passing out Stake Conference reminders. She also got to go to a Stake Activity Day get-together on the 8^th. She learned about families and made a “service wand” that you place wherever you do a service. She gathered the whole family together when she got home to talk about what she had learned & how the service wand works J

-McKinley learned how to make friendship bracelets & made one for Emma Beacham during Stake Conference, along with a sweet note.

-McKinley also made a few projects from Aunt Trisha’s craft box that she got for Christmas, including crystallized pipe cleaners (cool!), silly sludge (crazy!), and a button bowl (that one didn’t quite turn out, but was fun to try).

-McKinley’s creativity kept going & she put on a little play that we printed out and then she decided she wanted to make her very own play, so she wrote the script, directed it & starred in it J Way to go McKinley! She also did a cute treasure hunt for the family where there were about 7 different clues and we ended up finding stickers in the end.

-McKinley & Ireland had a cool happening at their school – a helicopter landed on their field & they got to go explore the inside!

-McKinley is reading The BFG (Big Friendly Giant), by Ronald Dahl in class & mom has enjoyed hearing about it J

-McKinley really enjoyed the Olympics and after watching skating she would put on socks and a dress and glide around the room.

IRELAND:

-Ireland had her first of what will probably be many trips to the orthodontist this month. He verified that her mouth is going to be too small for all those teeth & suggested we wait 6 months & then possibly proceed with a retainer and/or mouth expander. Ireland did great with all the pictures and prodding.

-Ireland has been learning all sorts of fun things this month! She continues to excel at jump roping. She also learned how to do McKinley’s ankle jump rope. She learned how to do a “3-braid” (yay!) and she learned how to make the friendship bracelets (she made one for every member of our family – including dad!). Way to go Ireland!

-Ireland doesn’t remember her dreams a lot, but one night she said she had a dream that Miss Whizzle (from the Magic Schoolbus) came to our house and we were all My Little Ponies and we were all running from a bad guy.

-McKinley & Ireland had a cool happening at their school – a helicopter landed on their field & they got to go explore the inside!

-It’s humerous listening to conversations in the van sometimes when mom takes the girls to school. One day they were talking about who had crushes on who. Ireland said “No one has a crush on me…” (and just when mom was going to say something about Ireland still being beautiful and wonderful and so many people loving her, she said)… “I’m lucky!” ;-)

-Ireland loved watching the Olympic ice skating, but mostly just talked about their outfits J She did, however, watch the ice dancing & said “Can Grandpa Potts do that – cuz he is a REALLLY good ice skater!”

-I showed Ireland a pictures of Aunt Cindy with some flowers she got for her birthday. Ireland just saw her & the flowers & said “Did she just get out of the hospital?”

KEZIA –

-Kezia earned a date this month & decided to go to McDonald’s. She & mom had a great time! J

-Kezia seemed to be missing her baby brother one Sunday this month. She wanted to keep singing his goodnight song and hold his picture.

-Kezia had a parent-teacher conference this month & her teacher talked about how great she’s doing! She is doing most things that the older kids that are going into Kindergarten this year are doing- and she’s REALLY taken to sight words! She knows about 30 sight words now. Way to go Kez!

-Kezia called for mom in the middle of the night and she went into her room. Her eyes were still closed & it was like she was still dreaming, but she was telling mom about her dream – something about her sisters in their room and spelling her name – K-e-z-i-a. And she was reaching out for something.

-One night as mom and dad were putting Kezia to bed, we started singing her goodnight song & she said “WAIT! I do not allow you to sign my goodnight song unless you are rubbing my back!”

-On Valentines Day, Kezia was so cute. She secretly colored & cut out a bunch of hearts. Then, she told mom to go in the other room & she would ring the front doorbell & run in & mom would say “hmmm – I wonder who is at the door?” and then she would find a heart. This happened about 3 different times & Kezia was so happy that mom never “figured it out.” Until the next day & she told the TRUTH about the secret heart giver J

- One time, Kezi said to dad “You go in the other room while I fashion-style mom to be Sleeping Beauty and then you can come in and be her prince and kiss her.”

-One day at church, Kezia said to mom “I think my mind is starting to tell me that I’m almost starting to fall in love with him” (the “him” being Luke Beacham – a 7 year old in our ward)

-Kezia has about 3 different containers for her “collections” and she has now started one for “prizes.” She will randomly tell people they can pick out of her prize bag. The difficulty comes when they pick something and she says “Um… sorry, you can’t have that. It’s too special.” So, they pick something else and she says the same thing. In the end, we tell her to just let us know which ones we can have J

-Kezi & Ireland have lately been wanting to be hammock-blanketed to bed lately – where we put a blanket on the ground, they lay on it, and we each take a side and carry them into bed.

LINK:

We enjoyed decorating Link’s grave for Valentines at the beginning of the month. It looked really sweet with roses, a decorative Valentine envelope and hearts. Kezia even picked out a pink butterfly & even though she didn’t want to leave it at his grave, she did and we are sure he enjoyed it. One night, we had pizza for dinner and Heidi looked around and had a very strong sense that Link should be there – that he was missing from our family. At that same moment, Jason commented on how Link would have loved eating pizza. We think he might have truly been close with both of us having those same feelings at the same time. Some friends of ours, the Corrys, had their baby boy this month & Heidi decided to give them one of Link’s outfits that he never got to wear. It was hard, but we are thankful to share and give something so meaningful to our good friends. Mom had a rough time on Valentines, missing her baby boy. It wasn’t the same to write Valentines’ notes to the girls and not our boy. One day, mom & Kezia stopped to visit his grave and a flock of doves flew right in front of them, low to the ground. It was a wonderful love note. Mom posted about our plans for honoring Link for his angelversary next month & we have felt his love and help as we have taken family names through the temple and continue to search out names.