Monday, January 27, 2014

Link's Angelversary - "Linking" families together

When I pulled up my computer yesterday, this picture was on the desktop.

It took my breath away. 

He was so beautiful. So perfect. So handsome. So ALIVE. 

I love every detail of his perfect little face - his tiny ears, his expressive eyes, his little nose, his tufts of hair, his precious smile, his perfect cheeks. My favorite. I could sit and stare at this picture all day long. 

Yesterday marked 10 months since he left our earthly home & returned to his heavenly one. In two months, on March 26th, we will ______ (recognize, honor, celebrate?) his one year angelversary. As I mentioned when I blogged about his birthday, we have felt some ideas about how to do this. 

You might also remember when I blogged about The Message, how this paragraph struck my heart: 

Randy looked at me with a smile. "In most cases, Lance, when you pray to God for help, it is your dead relatives and loved ones who are sent by God to help you in answer to your prayers. Thus we weld links and bonds of love within the family forever. The family is the central and eternal unit of our society...And so, those relatives of yours who have lived righteous lives can be used as ministering servants, by God, to assist His children who are still in mortality. We serve you, and you serve us. It is the mode of heaven." (underlines added)

This touched me powerfully (and still does). I felt the spirit witnessing the truth of it - and I felt Link telling me, in a sense, "Mom - this is it! This was my mission on earth and it is now my mission on the other side. I am here to help Link our family together with an eternal chain. Please help me do this."  

And, so... I began to wonder... it says that our dead relatives serve us. I know this is true and I think it will amaze us when we die and find out just how much they help us - every day - in every conceivable way. Through thoughts, feelings, impressions, protection, and direction. I am so thankful for their help - for Link's help - every day. Now... how can we serve them? How can I serve Link? That was my question. 

So - I have thought about it & prayed about it & have come up with some ideas. We would love if you would help us serve & honor our loved ones (and Link) in the next couple months. Here's how: 


1. LINK our families together. This is the first & foremost thing that helps our deceased relatives & the #1 thing that I feel like Link is telling us to do. How do we do this? Temple work! If you have questions about temples, go here. The bottom line is that we believe that families can be together forever & this happens through ordinances and sealings here on earth, in our holy temples.  So - the first goal is to go to the temple for yourself. I was able to witness this blessing & miracle for my mother-in-law this past year & it was absolutely wonderful. I know Link was SO proud of his grandma for taking this step and many of us felt him close. 

Second, our deceased relatives have work to be done & this is how we can serve them! I will admit that the words "family history" have always kind of brought on a yawn for me. In addition, I wasn't sure how to start & I knew my grandma had done so much already that I really didn't think it was necessary for me to get involved. I was wrong on so many levels! Family history is EXCITING! Talk to anyone who has done it & they will tell you the same! There is a true energy when you start looking back and seeing the names of your ancestors & especially finding out their stories. I LOVE the stories! And now, it's sooooo easy to do. Here's where you go to get started - https://familysearch.org/. Once you log in with your church membership info, it's SO easy to see your family tree, and when you click on "Temple" & see what work still needs to be done. Then you reserve it, print it and GO! I've always loved going to the temple, but taking a family name through is honestly a whole new experience - a whole new level. A couple weeks ago, I took my great aunt's name through the temple. Awesome. Amazing. Wonderful.  A month or so before that I witnessed the sealing work for Jason's grandparents. Tears fell as I could almost hear the "links" coming together in this eternal family chain. It was...wow. This is how I know I am helping & honoring my son.

SO - for the past 8 months or so, we've gotten more into family history & taken names through the temple. I have been keeping track of the names. We are going to go as much as possible from now until March 26th.  If you would like to help honor Link on his angelversary, PLEASE send me the family name that you took through the temple. On March 26th, we are planning on going through the temple and then bringing all the names to his bench at the cemetery to show how we have helped "Link" families together. This, even more than supporting the Ronald McDonald House, makes me feel like I am helping Link. Serving him. Honoring him. Expressing my love for him. 


2. Mend any "broken Links" in your existing family. I can only imagine how sorrowful it makes our deceased ancestors when they see family chains being broken. Divorce. Estrangement. Pride. Call that brother or sister you've had an argument with. Write your parents a letter. Work on strengthening the relationship with your spouse and your children. I know it's hard sometimes, but just as it brings our dead loved ones sorrow when they see the broken links, imagine their joy when disagreements and pride are overcome and the links come back together. 


3. Link pictures and stories to https://familysearch.org/. I mentioned that I thought all the family history work on my mom's side was pretty much done. I've since realized that family history work is NEVER done! In fact, we decided the first Family Home Evening of every month is going to be dedicated to family history- and it will never be done! On the family search website, you can post pictures of loved ones that have died. You can share memories and stories. You can look at pictures and read stories that others have posted. It's awesome! The stories and pictures are priceless. I found out as I looked at my family history that my Grandpa's brother died as a toddler - before he was born. I looked at the picture of this boy that had died and couldn't stop the tears. I have felt this mother (my great-grandmother's) pain at losing her young son. I have shared that with her. Maybe she has sent me specific comfort that I have needed to get through this time. I wouldn't doubt it. I am so thankful for her and all the relatives & their sacrifices and their amazing stories. I am hoping to post Link's story & some more pictures as well as add some memories of my grandmas. 


4. QR code headstones. My sweet friend, Molly, who lost her daughter almost six years ago, wrote a post about adding QR codes to headstones. It's great! I still need to get one for Link - I'd also like to find a way to get one for my dad's parents, my aunt, and my Grandpa Tew. You just scan the QR on the headstone & it takesyou right to a page all about that person. So - instead of just seeing a name cut in stone, you get to see lots of pictures, stories, etc about that person. Awesome, right? 


5. Write a letter to a loved one - dead or living. Strengthen those links. Mend those links. If you write a letter to a deceased family member, I promise you they will know. They will feel your words and you will feel more connected to them. 







6. Family History Book for kids! My mom gave my children the most amazing gift a couple years ago. I blogged about it here. She asked us to get the life stories from Jason's side of the family - him, his mom & dad, his grandparents & great-grandparents & then she compiled his side and my side into one book for each child. It is AWESOME! We read it for FHE sometimes. And not only have my children learned a lot about their parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents, I have learned a lot, too! And some of these life stories are the first time they've actually written them down, so it's pretty awesome. Sharing these stories with my children strengthens those links between the past and future and it warms my heart every time. 

7. Hang pictures of dead loved ones. Of course, I have pictures of Link in every room, but I also have pictures of my grandmas that have died that my girls are named after. I would love to eventually do something like this, but in the mean time, I will print & display what I have. I will mention them often. I will tell their stories. And I will remember them.  






8. Share your memories. Not just on familysearch, but you have a friend or family member that died, write down some memories and send it to their closest living relative. I PROMISE they will love you for it. I am so thankful for every person that has sent me a memory of Link. It is an absolute treasure. After Link died, I thought a lot about a friend in high school that had died. I was with him the day he died. We were hiking. He fell. It was obviously a traumatic experience. I remember going to see his family afterwards. We raised some money to help with the funeral costs. But that was it. I was a teenager and I didn't feel his family's grief as I should have. I was not as compassionate as I should have been. I did always remember the date of his death, though, and sent his parents a letter around the anniversary  last year. I apologized for being insensitive. I shared memories. They wrote back and were so sweet. They appreciated me sharing memories and gave me some wonderful advice. It's never too late to write to someone & share memories. 


9. Visit the hometown of your ancestors. We can't wait to take our trip to Ireland/Scotland and walk the streets our grandparents walked. But there are some areas closer to home that connect us with our ancestors, too. We've read some of Jason's ancestor's journals & one of them helped settle the Park City area. He talked about helping Mr. Snyder. We lived in Park City at the time and the name "Snyder" was everywhere. We would think of him and remember his stories everywhere we went.  



Me & Grandma Potts
10. Record the histories of your relatives. You never know when someone will die, but my parents have done a wonderful job of making sure their parents' histories are documented. I love to read the stories, but my favorite is to sit down and watch the video of my Grandma Potts as she tells her life story. It's not just words on a page, but to watch her little movements, hear her Irish accent, and see her classic dress (she only wore pants one day of her life), apron, and fallen "stockings" (nylons) is so much more precious. It's HER telling her story. I love it. If only I could have found a way to get the smell to come through :) You will NEVER regret taking the time to do this. 

PLEASE let me know if you do any of these things for his angelversary. It will mean the world to me. In the next 2 months, we are going to try to take as many names as possible through the temple.  I am going to tell him all about it. I appreciate your help SO much & I know he does, too! And I hope that as you do this, you will feel the "Links" in your family chain get stronger, and as they do, amazing things happen! THANK YOU! 

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

December Newsletter & Slideshow

Sorry so late! Had a little adventure with McKinley in the hospital. Hopefully I will get around to blogging about that, but in the mean time...

https://picasaweb.google.com/103753336633055957263/2013_12_Slideshow



FAMILY: We are glad to have made it through 2013 and looking forward to 2014! December was filled with Christmas activities, including putting up decorations (it was the first year we put up Christmas decorations in this home because we were in Philadelphia last year, so it took a while to figure out where to put everything), gingerbread house-making, seeing Santa at daddy’s work, the ward Christmas sing-along party (the “Hamilton girls” were called up to the front to sing some songs J, going to see ELF at the theater with daddy’s work, ice skating, playing games & drinking hot chocolate, and doing service projects to put in Link’s stocking (see Link’s section). Grandma and Grandpa Devenish stayed overnight after a concert they went to – it was fun to eat dinner & visit with them. Also – we got to hang out with Grandma and Grandpa Potts as well. They stayed for a couple days on their way to Vegas & grandpa took Heidi and then the girls to the movies and out to eat. Grandpa also took the girls ice skating which has become a new favorite for them! On the 21st, we headed up to Salt Lake for the holiday. That evening, we went to the Ronald McDonald house to sing Christmas songs, then Jason & Heidi went to the Salt Lake Temple & afterwards, walked around for a bit to see the beautiful lights. The big Tew Christmas Eve Party was at the Simons this year & it was great to see lots of family, eat yummy food, and watch the white elephant game. Jason fixed some yummy egg casserole in the slow cooker & we had it for breakfast on Christmas morning (yum!) before we headed downstairs to see what Santa had left us. He was very good to us this year and we stayed downstairs for quite a while enjoying our new presents. The Simons came for a bit in the morning & brought their gifts for us, the sweetest of which were two huge signs for our home – one that reads “FAMILY: A Link to the past, a bridge to the future”, and the other reads “Because someone we love is in heaven, there is a little bit of heaven in our home” – with a picture of Link and his dates. They are beautiful & Trisha really was very thoughtful in all of her gift-giving (as always). She also made all us girls homemade, glitter-monogrammed aprons – they are so cute J Uncle Richard & The Edwards came and opened our gifts to them. It was a very laid-back, wonderful day to appreciate gifts and loved ones and Jesus’ birth. We made our way south on the 27th & we stopped at the Bensons & ate lunch with them and had fun watching the kids run around together. Then we headed to Richfield & stayed there for a couple nights. We enjoyed our time with them and on Saturday, we tried out the bowling alley & the arcades & had a lot of fun. On New Years’ Eve, McKinley had strep, so she & mom stayed home and played Headbandz, Battleship, and her new snap circuit game while Daddy, Ireland & Kezia went to the Bealers for some fun. They came back home & we all played Spot It & then celebrated the New York New Year before the girls headed to bed for some sleep. There was some bad news this month: 2 of our friends had to take their kids to Primary Children’s Hospital - & Katelyn Bealer still has heart issues that they are trying to solve. Also – a good man in our ward passed away – Roland Brown, from cancer. We attended his memorial here in Cedar and feel blessed to have known him for a short while. With all the bad news, we are grateful for the chance to start a new year. Happy 2014 everyone!

JASON: A funny Christmas tree story – Jason & the girls had gone to Panguitch Lake to pick out a Christmas tree and when we got home to put it up, realized it was about a foot too tall for where we wanted to put it. So – instead of the hassle of having to drag the tree outside to chop it up, he decides to bring the chainsaw to the tree – INSIDE. We proceeds to chop the bottom of the tree off as chainsaw smoke is pouring out and every alarm in the house is going off & there is a huge mess on the floor. We had to open up all the windows and doors to the freezing December temps to get the alarms to stop. We are thankful no neighbors assumed that our house was burning down J  Jason enjoyed taking some time off work at the end of the year and spending some time with family. While in Salt Lake, he got to go see The Hobbit – which he’s been itching to see.
 HEIDI:  Heidi had a hard time getting into the Christmas spirit this year and  had a bit of a meltdown right before we left for Salt Lake. Grief really took her to a dark place and it was difficult to function for a few days. A big part of her wanted to simply call off Christmas altogether. It was so hard to face without Link here. And with all the memories of last years’ miracle Christmas. Thankfully, by the time they made it to Salt Lake, she was able to find a little more perspective and she truly enjoyed seeing the girls open their gifts. Heidi was able to get together with some Cheerleader friends while she was in town and enjoyed catching up. It was great to see them. Heidi read 2 great books over the holidays – Divergent and Cinder.

McKINLEY:
-We were going outside in the cold and mom told McKinley & Kezia to get some hats on. They both came back with their Disneyland Mickey Mouse Ears hats on J
-One morning McKinley decided that daddy deserved breakfast in bed, so she brought him some! J
-One of McKinley’s favorite sayings lately: “I know, right?”
-McKinley has consistently been scoring 100%+ on her spelling tests & she brought home a math test, too – over 100%! Great job McKinley!
-One day mom said something about a “lunatic.” McKinley said “Is that someone who studies the moon? Cuz – luna means moon in Spanish.”
-Mom & Kezia came into Mrs. Hardin’s class to help with their Christmas party. Mom had fun meeting McKinley’s friends and helping them make gingerbread men.
-McKinley  was really excited to GIVE gifts this year! She helped a lot with our service projects (see Link’s section), and made a list of ideas for her cousins. The cutest was the lego picture frame she made for Michael and a lego bracelet that she made for him. She also wrote out Link’s story to give out, and she bought barbies for her sisters’ gifts.
-McKinley worked hard on memorizing and singing “Jingle Bell Rock” for the Ronald McDonald House. She did great!
-McKinley must have been good last year because she got a sewing machine for Christmas! Aunt Cindy & Grandma have helped her set it up and taught her some basics – she has done some sewing mazes, hemmed some pants and started a pillow! Other fun gifts for McKinley this year: A snap circuit set – learning about electricity, a yummy science kitchen set, some dresses, a cover for her tablet, some cash register money,  and Aunt Trisha gave her the most awesome craft set – about 12 gallon sized zip-locks with print-outs and materials for craft projects. It is great & will definitely keep her busy!
-After much questioning and badgering from McKinley, mom and dad finally talked to McKinley and she is aware of Santa’s role in Christmas.

IRELAND:
-Ireland’s favorite saying lately – “I tell you!” as in, “It looks fabulous, I tell you!”
-Ireland got to make gingerbread houses AND go to the movie theater for school one day!
-Ireland still HATES getting her hair brushed in the morning. It’s a morning ritual for mom to brush and for her to scream and whine and complain. One morning mom said “why don’t you try singing a song?” and Ireland said “I can’t when you’re hurting on me!”
-Ireland also got lots of fun gifts for Christmas: Santa gave her some VERY nice, expensive clippety-cloppety, REAL cowgirl boots J She tried them on immediately to test out the clippety-cloppety-ness of them and was very satisfied. She also got a cowgirl hat from mom and dad. She would just watch herself in the mirror to see how cute she was J She also got a Barbie movie, a sparkly sweater, a pretend makeup/nail kit, and a spirograph kit. She also got a sparkly jump rope & she is up to 50 jumps in a row!  Aunt Trisha made rocks with pictures on them so she can make a story!


KEZIA –
-Rainbow truck was missing one day. We all searched & searched for probably an hour & couldn’t find him. We thought maybe he had gotten outside somehow & we wouldn’t see him again. Mom suggested we say a prayer, so we knelt down and Kezia said the prayer. Unfortunately… she forgot to actually pray to find Rainbow Truck. So – she said another prayer & prayed specifically to find him. Within 10 minutes, daddy found him downstairs. We’re so thankful!
-It was Kezia’s turn to go on a lunch date & she decided to go to IHOP, so she & mom headed over there. She was determined to get the smiley face chocolate pancake. When it finally came, mom didn’t think she’d be able to eat all of it. It was huge! So – mom asked for a little bite, but it wasn’t the bite that Kezia wanted her to take & she was VERY upset. She cried for a little while & told mom that she was going to tell “that girl” (waitress) on her, but finally she calmed down and she actually finished the whole thing!
-One day Kezia was playing with her ponies while mom was working. Mom asked her what was going on. Kezia said “Well, Rainbow Dash has to go in the ambulance because she bumped her head when she got baptized.”
-Kezia has LOTS of Christmas dresses to choose from being the third girl. She loved to wear them. But when mom vetoed her wearing it to preschool, she yelled “But it’s BORING when I don’t get to wear my Christmas dress!”
-Kezia got to go to Anna Strand’s 4th birthday party at 5 Little Monkeys. She had a great time!
-Kezia has become quite a horder of candy. When she’s given candy, she doesn’t eat it. She saves it and puts it in the fridge. Her sisters will come home with candy & she will beg them for some, but she won’t eat her own candy. One day, mom gave her ½ of a candy bar when we were done grocery shopping & she saved it. Mom asked why she does that. Kezia said “I realized that when I don’t have candy, then I’m sad.”
-Kezia’s current  favorite colors are purple and pink!
-One day at lunch, Kezia said “I’m FOR SURE going to marry Luke, mom!” (Beacham)
-One day, Kezia brought mom part of her candy and said “Give this to Noelle!”
-The girls were all talking together at once & Kezia said “Girls, Girls! Calm down.”
-One day Sydney jumped up on Kezia and she was crying. Ireland said “she doesn’t know any better Kezia.” Kezia said “Yes she does! She’s ten!”
-Kezia wanted My Little Pony things for Christmas & Santa brought her 6 ponies and a shirt, so she was happy! She also got a VeggieTales movie, an outfit, a roll of butcher paper and a bunch of paints, and a little shopping cart with pretend food. Aunt Trisha made her a tiny mouse in an altoid box. It was so cute. She also got a Hello Kitty airplane for the Tew white elephant gift exchange, so she was a happy girl.

LINK:
Link was definitely not forgotten this Christmas season. We decided to do service projects in his name to put in his stockings. Here are some things we did: brought treats to the PD and FD, sang Christmas songs at the Ronald McDonald House, gave out toys for people who needed them, shoveled someone’s driveway, left quarters on the machines at Walmart with a note saying “take one! Merry Christmas!”, went through the drive through & paid for the car behind us, donated food to the local food bank, & donated to a refugee in Utah. Aunt Trisha also made glass ornaments with “NICU – December 2013” & tiny footprints etched on them. She donated them to the local NICU with a sweet poem in honor of Link.
-Our tree was filled with reminders of our sweet baby boy: The lady that made our Link bears also sent heart ornaments made from his clothing & we put them on the tree. For FHE we made a color chain for the tree & on each Link there was a memory of him. We loved remembering all those moments! We also had 3 glass ornaments on the tree – remembrance ornaments. On one was Link & Tundra, another one had Richardson grandparents on one side & Potts grandparents on the other, and then the last one had Grandpa Tew and Uncle Bart. It was so neat to see all these things that remind us of our loved ones!
-Mom ordered a stocking for Link this year & we loved seeing it & knowing he will always be a part of our family.
-Mom had a really rough time missing Link this month – right before Christmas. She spent a few days just watching videos and missing him. We know he would have been trying to get into the decorations and gifts – but also mesmerized by the lights and feeling the excitement of the season. We missed him a lot L
-Someone that Grandma Devenish knew had to come to the hospital here in Cedar & stayed at the Jubilee House. She was so touched to get one of the bags that we donated for Link’s birthday that she sent Grandma a card. So very sweet & heartwarming to know they are being loved.
-For Christmas this year, Heidi made “Link” earrings as well as printed pictures for each family with Link’s picture and a quote from The Message, along with a copy of McKinley’s handwritten story of Link’s life.

-The BEST gift for Link this year was his bench! It’s FINALLY done!! We got to see it on our way back to Cedar and we are so happy to have it finished! 

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Link's Bench

It was a strange mix of emotions today as we pulled into town and stopped by the cemetery. Link died in March. It's' now December and we get to see his bench installed for the first time. 

I was really excited! It's an odd feeling, though... excitement about a cold, hard granite bench to memorialize a warm, soft baby boy. How much more I would rather have the baby boy and not the bench! 
It's taken so long and while his bench makes his death seem more permanent, it is SO much better than the tiny temporary marker that was there before that just reminds me of the day of his funeral. It is a beautiful bench that truly honors our son - his beauty, his life, his uniqueness, and his mission on this earth and beyond. I want to go through the pictures I took and try and give you an idea of why we chose what we did (click the pictures to see them larger). 

We had a couple friends that have done benches & I liked the idea of being able to come and sit and cry or talk for a while, so we decided on a bench. Link's is only a three foot bench, but I think it's perfect. I wanted the base of the bench to be something completely different than anything I'd seen before - and also something that I felt would represent Link. As I mentioned in the Sunrise Baby post, rainbows are what remind us of Link - their color, their beauty, as well as their fleeting lives. We saw a rainbow on the day of Link's funeral - and also on 2 of his monthly angelversaries. I didn't want it to be a full rainbow - just like the one on the day of his funeral - we could only see about 3/4th of it. I have loved that symbolism - we can't see the end of the rainbow, but we know it's there - just as we can't always see our loved ones close, but they are there just the same. It also reminds me that only God sees the big picture & I need to trust in Him.

The poem written on the colors of the rainbow was something I worked on with my sweet friend, Diane. Here is what it says:

A rainbow appeared and brightened our day
Like most things of beauty, it couldn't stay
A blessing from God to show us His Love
You'll now be our "Link"
to Heaven above.

I really wasn't sure which picture I wanted to put on his bench. How could I choose just one? I finally settled on this one because it truly shows the light, color, and happiness that he brought into our lives. I am loving seeing his smiling face next to that rainbow.





The cars. Well, Jason had saved a bag of matchbox cars from his childhood - hoping to one day watch his son play with them. On the day of Link's funeral, Jason selected a white and orange Porsche 935 to give to his son. He lovingly placed it in his casket and sobbed as he told me "it was my fastest racer." That is the car that we have engraved under Link's dates. Friends and family have placed matchbox cars next to his grave since he died and I thought it would be fun to put a track around the cement pad that his bench sits on. The girls had a fun time today playing on it.




It was harder than I imagined choosing a font for Link's name. We wanted it solid, strong - like him. And I also wanted the "links" by his name. 


The saying on the back of Link's bench pretty much sums it up for our family: 'You are truly the "Link" that will hold our family together forever.' This is what gives me hope. This is what our family is striving for - to keep that chain strong and intact - all through our lives so we can all be together again someday. The hearts on either side of the saying are made out of small chain links. 

We had each of the girls draw a picture of our family or of Link and them and we had those engraved on the back. I think it will be fun as the years go by for the girls to see their pictures & remember their ages when their brother returned to Heavenly Father. You'll also notice we included Noelle's name on the bottom right. 


On the sides of the bench are forget-me-not flowers. Forget-me-nots have been my favorite flower since I was a little girl and was Link's flower/color theme at his funeral. They are my promise to him that he will never, ever be forgotten.


The girls were very excited to finally see their brother's bench. I think coming to the cemetery will be much nicer and something they'll look forward to more. I hope to get a better picture when it's warmer. Sorry about their hair -we had been traveling for a couple hours :)

 

We are so very thankful for all those that donated money to our family to help with Link's bench. It warms my heart to see it and I am grateful that we could really get what we wanted for Link. THANK YOU! 

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Where are you Christmas?

Taken a year ago today
I heard Where are you Christmas? the other day on the radio & had to really fight to keep my composure. I've heard the song before, though never really understood it until this year.

We decorated our tree a couple weeks ago. Lights, ornaments, an angel on top that one of the girls made a year or two ago. We turned off all the lights and sat down to enjoy it. Only... I couldn't see it clearly. My eyes were blurred with tears. What should have been a sweet, peaceful moment turned into such a painful one that I had to turn away from it all. How badly I wanted to have a 1-year-old boy on my lap - mesmerized by the lights. Determined to pull all the ornaments off the tree. Exploring all the decorations and tasting all the sweets.

We are doing service projects this year & writing them down to put in his stocking. But even this is half-hearted on my part. I don't WANT to do service projects on behalf of my son. I want to buy trucks and cars. Balls and blocks. Dinosaurs and dragons. I want to put THOSE in his stocking and get to watch his eyes light up as he rips the paper and figures out what's inside. I want to hear his first words and see him take his first steps.

And as hard as I try to be here for Christmas this year, I'm not.  I am back in Philadelphia. I am not folding laundry and carpooling and making dinners. I am walking hand-in-hand with my sweetheart down alleyways toward CHOP in the cold. I'm staring up at these amazing old buildings along the way. I'm in the hospital room with my son. I'm watching as Jason reads him books. I'm singing "every little thing you do I do... adore" to him as I bounce him up and down. I'm at the Ronald McDonald House, eating delicious food, talking with amazing people. I'm at CHOP, talking with doctors. Talking with nurses. I'm in the pump room - again and again. I'm looking into his blue eyes and kissing his huge cheeks. I'm hoping. I'm praying. I'm waiting for elevators. I'm hearing Christmas music play. I'm talking to the girls on the phone. I'm walking alongside medical students in an enclosed walkway above the noisy street below. I'm texting friends and family. I'm trying to get him to smile and mimic my sounds. I'm walking the fluorescent halls...

Yes, I will keep trying to pull myself back, but I keep going there. Remembering. Aching. Wanting the Christmas of last year. The Christmas of bringing him home from Philadelphia. Not being able to sleep on the plane for the joy, excitement, and miracle of it all. Surprising family and friends. Passing him around at Christmastime. Seeing the bright lights, hearing the sweet songs, having my heart overflow with love and gratitude.
This year, the lights don't seem so bright... the songs don't seem so sweet. If I could only ask for ONE thing for Christmas this year - and for the REST OF MY LIFE - it would be to have my son back. Oh... how I miss him.

Friday, December 6, 2013

November Newsletter & Slideshow


https://picasaweb.google.com/sunkist640/2013_11Slideshow



FAMILY:
We have so much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving. Top of the list is the gospel and wonderful family and friends. On the 2nd, we got a babysitter & Heidi & Jason went out to dinner at the Japanese steakhouse by our home. It was really great! Jason even had a sushi roll with eel. Just after we got home, we got the news of the birth of baby Grace! We are so excited for the Checketts and can’t wait to meet our new niece/cousin. The 7th was Link’s birthday. It was a hard and neat day. See his section for more details. On the 8th, we headed down to St. George for the weekend. Heidi went to Time Out for Women and Jason & the girls went to baseball games for Payson and Daken. We stayed in Great Grandma’s place in Washington. It was great to enjoy warmer weather and family. Monday was Veterans Day and we let the girls get out of school so we could all go to our big ultrasound appointment. We are thankful to find out we are expecting a girl and she looks healthy J We also dropped off donations at the Jubilee House in St. George by the NICU and went to Iceburg for lunch. While Jason was hunting with Grandpa Dave and Uncle Jeff on the 14th & 15th, we had a girls time! – making pizza, painting nails, and eating sticky popcorn. Daddy surprised us by coming home on Friday!  The 16th, we went to IHOP for dinner & there were amazing “wave” clouds outside our window – it was really neat! Then we watched a Christmas movie at home. It was fun. On the 20th, we headed to St. George again for a temple date. The Hamiltons came along and we were able to do sealings and watch as Jeff and Keeley sealed Grandma and Grandpa Hamilton together. It was a very special experience. Afterwards, we went to cold stone for some yummy ice cream. Thanks Camri for watching the girls!  The 21st was our first big snowstorm and the girls had SO much fun playing in it! On the 22nd, we had Hannah Klassen from the ward come over to do a story and craft time about the first thanksgiving. The Riddles also came & it was a lot of fun! The 25th was our Thanksgiving Family Home Evening and we made our annual Gerald the Grateful Turkey, which was a lot of fun. We left for Richfield on the 27th and left on December 1st. It was a classic Thanksgiving weekend – including too much food and football, but never too much family! The girls had fun going to the park, doing puzzles, singing songs, and just playing with their cousins. Jason also took McKinley & Ireland & they cut down our Christmas tree near Panguitch Lake. On Saturday, we went out to eat in Salina at a Restaurant with the whole family. After some talking, prayer, and a family poll, we decided to name our new baby Noelle Eve. We are all excited for Noelle to be a part of our family.  More good news was that baby Katelyn was born to the Bealer Family on the 20th. She is beautiful!

JASON: Jason’s coworkers were pretty amazing contributing to Link’s birthday service project helping the Jubilee House – he sent out an e-mail & the donations came pouring in – money, robes, food, etc. We are so thankful for their support. Jason enjoyed going hunting with Jeff and Dave this year. It was early morning and cold temperatures, but they were able to help Dave land a pretty good sized elk. Jason has kind of taken over McKinley’s tablet & they argue over who gets to play it. Jason likes a hunting game on there and will play it as much as he can J He’s also participated in the “no shave November” – apparently for Prostate Cancer awareness. It’s now a bit into December, though, and we’re not sure if he’s now going for the Santa look or what ;)

 HEIDI:  The beginning of November was a pretty emotional time for Heidi with Link’s birthday and going to St. George the following weekend – she felt like she walked the same steps she walked a year ago (The Hamiltons, Harmon’s, the NICU building, Iceburg). It was surreal and brought back a lot of memories. Time Out for Women was really neat, though, and Heidi learned a lot. Heidi is doing pretty good in her pregnancy. She is feeling Noelle quite a bit these days and her movements bring her comfort and joy. She admits holding Katelyn Bealer brought some anxiety, though, and hopes she can work through a lot of it before Noelle gets here. Heidi finished re-reading the Hiding Place this month and it was like reading a whole new book since losing Link. She learned so very much and hopes that like Corrie Ten Boom, her trial will change her for the better.

McKINLEY:
-McKinley said she wasn’t feeling good at the beginning of the month and had to stay home from school for a day or two.
-McKinley’s favorite saying right now: “I know, right?”
-McKinley really has a heart for service. After we delivered the bags to the Jubilee House on Link’s birthday, McKinley said “I feel the Holy Ghost & it feels so good!”
-McKinley had a lot of nightmares at the beginning of the month. One night, she had 3 in one night! She decided she wanted Ireland to go back to sleeping with her and that’s seemed to help.
-McKinley and Ireland were big into jump roping this month! Our floors would echo with the sounds of jumping to see how many times they could do it in a row. Also – they were big into getting parchment paper & tracing coloring pages.
-McKinley was big into Monopoly this month. We got it out at least 4 times. The last game lasted the longest and we each had houses on our properties. Daddy won pretty much every game!
-McKinley has been quite the cook this month! With VERY minimal help, she made peanut butter cookies, caramel popcorn, and pizza!
-Mom surprised McKinley one afternoon by picking her up from school and taking her out to Panda Express! It was a lot of fun and they had fun visiting & eating yummy food.
-One night we watched a Christmas movie about an elf that used Santa’s time travel compass to go back in time and save Santa. A little while after the movie ended, McKinley said “Mom, I wish that time travel thing was real and we could go back to the day that Link took his nap and I would wake him up and he would still be alive.”
-For Activity Days this month, McKinley made an AWESOME Christmas star – it is beautiful!
-McKinley has been practicing her articles of faith and hopefully will pass them off soon.
-McKinley continues to do SUPER in school and earned the Math Achievement and Reading Achievement awards for the first quarter. WAY TO GO McKINLEY!!
-One night, McKinley shared how the Holy Ghost had helped her. They were playing at recess and some people were playing with a boy, but kind of teasing him, too. She said the Holy Ghost helped her remember her sister Kezia yelling to her before she went to school “Be kind to everyone – even if they’re not kind to you!” and so she walked away.
-McKinley is very excited for her baby sister. She was really rooting for the name Noelle & would walk around singing “Noel… Noel..”
-McKinley enjoyed spending more time with her older cousins over Thanksgiving. She hung out a lot with Camri & Sedona. She liked to stand by Camri and sing while she played the piano.


IRELAND:
-McKinley and Ireland were big into jump roping this month! Our floors would echo with the sounds of jumping to see how many times they could do it in a row. Also – they were big into getting parchment paper & tracing coloring pages.
-Ireland likes this little kids’ cook book. One day she was trying to convince mom to make one of the recipes. She said “Look mom! We have all the ingredients but the shaving cream!” (whipped cream) J
-When we were packing to go to St. George, Ireland packed 2 dresses. Mom kept asking her why. She thought about it for a while & finally said “Just in case there’s a funeral, mom.”
-Ireland has had problems with good dreams lately, too. One night, she came into mom and dad’s room and said “Mom – I’m not having bad dreams, but I’m not having the right dreams. They’re not the ones I want.” So – what kind of dreams does she want? Well, it must be what she prays for EVERY night. This is a typical evening Ireland prayer “…and please help me dream of unicorns & rainbows & Pegasusus & flowers & lollypops…”
-Ireland gave a talk in primary this month about gratitude and told a story about a child getting a gift for someone and how they didn’t even look at it & how that’s how Jesus feels when we don’t appreciate his gifts. She did a GREAT job and got lots of compliments!
-One day Ireland asked “how many more years until my birthday?”
-Ireland said to mom one day “I love you infinity hearts!”
-Ireland is very excited for Noelle to come & said “maybe on the baby’s birthday, it will come out!”
-One night, Ireland’s prayer was so sweet. She said “I’m so thankful for Grandma Potts that I’m named after…”
-Poor Ireland really doesn’t want to sleep alone, but she really is a light sleeper. Kezia wakes her up with her moving around & talking in her sleep. McKinley wakes her up with her loud breathing/snoring. Ireland said to mom with a sigh “I really need to sleep with a sister that doesn’t talk or breathe in her sleep!”
-Ireland has lost FOUR teeth so far! She’s got the 2 upper & 2 bottom ones gone – so QUITE a gap! Unfortunately, the tooth fairy hasn’t been very on top of things lately. She took THREE nights to get her her gold dollar!



KEZIA
-Kezia is so good to share. Every time she had a piece of her Halloween candy, she wouldn’t eat the whole thing. She would save part of it for someone. One day, she got a mini snickers bar. She insisted that it be cut up into 5 pieces for every member of our family and put into individual baggies with people’s names on them. J
-Kezia was my big helper getting the bags together for the Jubilee House on Link’s birthday. Mom would give her something & tell her to put a certain amount in each bag. She did really well!
-Kezi really wanted to name our new baby Rose. Mom asked “what if it’s a boy?” Kezia thought & said “then we’ll name him Handsome Rose!”
-Mom often asks Kezi for Kezi kisses & hugs. One day she ran to mom & said “You got it!!” and gave her big kisses & hugs. Mom LOVES that!
-Lately Kezia will say “Mom!” or “Dad!” and when we answer, she says “I love you.”
-One day we were talking about teachers & mom told Kezi that Aunt Keeley AND Aunt Cindy were teachers. Kezi’s eyes got big and she said “Wow! I’m freakin’ out!”
-Kezi really likes to be sneaky lately. When we go to her room to tuck her in or open the door to the car to get her out, she is crouched down somewhere hiding. Also – every time she goes to preschool, she likes to quietly sneak by the door… and then jump in the classroom and yell “BOO!”
-One day at church we were sitting there and a man passed by & Kezia said rather loudly “look mom! That guy is BALD!”
-Not sure if it’s a growth spurt or just that it’s been colder & we’ve wanted to cuddle more, but mommy & Kezi took a lot more naps this month. We love to read books & cuddle up and get some rest in.
-Kezi is big on her “collections.” She has at least 4 different boxes or bags that she keeps her “collection” in (which usually consists of lip gloss or Barbie shoes or a pony or some pennies)
-One day in Primary, Sister Beacham (the Primary President) was in front announcing some things. Kezia raised her hand  and said “I have a question.” Sister Beacham said “yes?” Kezi put her feet up in front of her and asked “do you like my shoes?”
-Everyone in the primary said something they were thankful for and Kezia’s friend Addi said “Kezia!”
-We were at the store & mom told Kezia and Canyon to look with their eyes, not with their hands, so Kezi went around putting her eyes right on everything and blinking hard.
-Kezi and Canyon were so cute dancing at the store. They would spin and spin around. It was so cute.
-Kezi is getting better & better about writing her letters & will often ask how to spell something.
-Kezi is usually pretty good with Rainbow Truck (the bunny), but she and Canyon were playing with it in Grandma’s garage & came running in saying the bunny’s nose was bleeding. After more questioning, we found out that they were playing “flip the bunny.” Needless to say, she was not allowed to hold the bunny again for a while. (Rainbow Truck is fine).

LINK:

 Happy 1st Birthday our sweet boy. It’s hard to believe it’s been one year since you’ve come into this world. You’ve truly changed us forever since that day. Mom did an entire blog post about your birthday, but we’ll try to sum it up here. The morning was very difficult. Writing your birthday letter was the hardest thing mom has done in a long time. It hurt not to be able to do all the traditions with you that we have done with your sisters. We decided to donate to the Jubilee House in honor of you because of our experience at the Ronald McDonald House in Philadelphia. SO many people donated, Link. So many wonderful people – in honor of you and your special day. Liz Powlaski even got a brick for you at the Philadelphia Ronald McDonald House that says “Our Link to Heaven – Linkin Hamilton.” Your family in Salt Lake went to McDonald’s and the Ronald McDonald House up there.  Down here, we were able to donate the bags to the Jubilee House, release balloons at the cemetery, go to McDonald’s and donate there, and come home for cake and ice cream and watching your slideshow. Oh, how we wish you were there to eat your cake – to make a mess – to be a one-year-old little boy. We missed you sweet boy. We love you. You made the day sunny. You sent us a gorgeous sunset. You kept us close. Family & friends came to support us & to honor your life. We hope the angels in heaven made your birthday extra special up there and you were able to feel our love as strongly as possible. Ever since your birthday, the memories have flooded back with your time in the St. George NICU and Philadelphia. Mom talked to Dr. Carroll and Enyo and both of those phone calls were emotional. Dr. Carroll said that he would be lying if he said he remembered every baby he took care of, but he said he would never, never forget you Link. You are just that kind of kid. You have affected so many people and we feel so very blessed to have been a part of our journey here on earth. Happy Birthday, our beautiful boy. 

Friday, November 15, 2013

Sunrise Baby

I was pretty darn sure we were done having children after Link. I even suggested to Jason that we do something about it permanently, though he said we should give it a year before we made any permanent decisions. However, I put away my pregnancy clothes with a ceremony of sorts - it felt final & I felt good about it.  I hadn't prayed about it, but with all the drama of the NICU & having to fly to Philly - not to mention, four kids was a good number and we finally got our boy! - I felt confident we were done.  

.... God had other plans. 


For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts. - Isiah 55:8-9

Almost from the day that Link died, my thoughts swirled with incomprehension - I looked at our three children on earth & said "this is not how it was supposed to be. We always wanted more than three. This is not right. What is the plan now? Are we really done?"  In addition to those ceaseless thoughts, just the added grief of imaging that I would never get to see those last milestones - like someone had taken a huge pair of scissors and just cut me off from all those last firsts - made my heart ache even more for that answer as to if we should have another one or not. 

I brought it up with Jason a few times. We talked about it. We prayed about it. Finally, one day I woke up and said "I have to know. If we are done, I need to accept that and move forward -  focusing on the girls. But... but, if the Lord has another child to send, even if it's not right now... I need to know. A woman needs to know."  So - Jason & I headed to the temple. It was only the 2nd time we'd been since Link died and I was emotional the whole time. I prayed that above all, if we were to have another baby, that Jason would absolutely, positively know. Because, I knew that I would be a wreck and I would need his support. Thankfully, he truly got that absolute confirmation and we both felt strongly that the Lord wanted us to try for another baby & not wait. 

Finding out we were pregnant in August was different than our other pregnancies. It was more solemn than excitement. More thankful than elated.  Actually, I've had a lot of guilt, too. Just guilt that maybe we wouldn't have had this child if Link hadn't died. And on the other end of the spectrum, guilt that it seems like we are trying to "replace" him. Altogether, this pregnancy has been so very different than my other ones. Including my fears and anxiety. It is a constant battle between fear and faith with this pregnancy. Anyone that has lost a baby will tell you that your innocence is gone - you have that actual reality that a child can & does die and as one angel mom said -  while you don't expect that to happen again, you don't expect it not to happen, either. 

Speaking of angel parents, I hope they will forgive me as I choose a different symbol for this new baby. 
Most babies that come after a loss have the term "rainbow baby." I know that it is trying to change an understood term into a something completely different that no one will recognize, but I will try & explain myself. I LOVE the symbolism of the rainbow - the light and hope and color after the rain and stormy grief - and I associate that with Link. He was technically my "rainbow baby" - I had a miscarriage right before we became pregnant with him. Whenever I see a rainbow or hear about rainbows, I think of Link - of the brightness and color he brought into our lives while he was here - and also of how fleeting they are & his life was. His memorial bench is actually a rainbow and the poem (which is above in my header) is going to be on it. So - I am using the term "sunrise baby" for this new one. Just because, it has the same idea - light and hope after a dark night - but it's something I can count on. I can count on seeing the sunrise every day - just like I want the hope and reliability of being able to see my new baby live every day.  I have absolutely NO problem with angel parents using that term or even referring to my new baby as a rainbow baby. I will just be doing something different, and I hope that's okay. 

Now - onto the details... this sunrise baby is due April 10th. On Monday, we found out we are having another girl. I would be lying if I said that it hasn't been difficult to think that it's likely that I will never get to raise a boy on this earth. At the same time, though, it's amazing how your perspective changes. Before Link, I went to the "big ultrasound" - just not being able to wait to find out the gender - to now,  just wanting them to tell me that I will get to keep my baby. Doesn't matter if it's a boy or girl. Doesn't even necessarily matter if they are completely healthy. I just want to be able to keep my baby. I know even this is not a guarantee - and yes, there is a possibility that she could have what Link had. But the odds are 1 in 50,000 - and even if she did have hyperinsulinism, according to the autopsy reports, Link simply died in his sleep. Her ultrasound looked great - she looks healthy and strong at this point.

We are thankful to be welcoming another girl into this family. Her sisters are SO excited to have another sister - and being the sister to 3 other sisters myself - I have to say that sisters are pretty awesome & I am excited for her to have that experience.  Growing up with 3 other sisters wasn't always pretty, but we are now all best friends and I can't imagine life without them. The thing that's even more awesome is the knowledge that all four of my girls  will have their brother watching over them night & day. I always wanted to have a boy first because I never had a big brother growing up. So - when I had a girl first I thought I'd have to give up that wish. But now I know that Link is effectively their "big brother" & I know that he watches out & protects them - more than even a brother here on earth could. I am also so very thankful that he's got to spend some time with his baby sister - to prepare her to come to our heartbroken family. 

So - I waited a while to really "announce" this pregnancy. For a number of reasons, I think. But a lot because I knew some people might think we are just "replacing" our lost baby. Or they might think "Oh good! Now she'll be happy and have 4 kids again!" I just need to say here that we will never replace Link - any more than I could have "replaced" McKinley with Ireland. Each child is unique and different and Link will never EVER be replaced. Also - while I am VERY thankful for this opportunity - SO grateful for this new baby girl - it does not, can not just automatically take away the pain, grief, sadness, ache of losing Link. That will be something I will carry with me a lifetime. And I will never have "4 kids again" - this is our 5th child and that's what I will always say if you ask. 

Also - if you ask if this is our last, I will say what I should have said with Link - "We don't know until the Lord lets us know." 

A month or so after Link died, when I was praying about the idea of another child,  I heard this song and felt like the Lord was speaking to my heart:

CHILD OF LIGHT
Mindy Gledhill

Did you ever wonder who you are
do your ever wonder as you stare into the stars
Where you began
And how you got this far
from home?

Have you ever walked along the shore
Have you ever seen the water dancing back and forth
Did you look inside
To see if there was more to life

Theres a dream taking wings
Theres a voice that wants to sing
Even in the deepest darkest night
The Torch is raised to the sky
There are hands that hold it high
You were born to keep it burning bright
You were made to fly you were meant to shine
Child of light

You will never ever stand alone
You were never called to bare your burdens alone
Where there is fear
Love will take control

And lead you on

Theres a dream taking wings
Theres a voice that wants to sing
Even in the deepest darkest night
The Torch is raised to the sky
There are hands that hold it high
You were born to keep it burning bright
You were made to fly you were meant to shine
Child of light




We are looking forward to meeting you, our child of light, our sunrise baby.