Tuesday, August 27, 2013


Kezia started Preschool today.

McKinley & Ireland are both at school.

Jason is at work.

I am home.


People say "what will you do with that extra time?"
I just give them a wounded smile, shrug my shoulders, and push back the tears.

I know many mothers long for this day. Can't wait till all their kids are in school and they can have that freedom. I also look forward to that day. But not yet. Not yet. Because... this is not "extra time." This is time that was supposed to have meaning and purpose.  I'm not supposed to be alone.

There is supposed to be an adorably handsome baby boy with me right now. Blue eyes. Chubby cheeks.
I am supposed to be able to hold him in the mornings. Feed him new food. Play pat-a-cake and eensy-weensy spider. I'm supposed to be able to sing to him. Dance with him. I'm supposed to feign frustration as he pulls himself up on furniture, knocks things over, gets into the cupboards, makes messes. I am supposed to hear his sweet babble echo through the walls of my home. I am supposed to comfort him when he falls or when his poor gums ache from the pain of a new tooth coming through. Together, we are supposed to go grocery shopping. Together, we are supposed to clean and do chores and run errands. Together we are supposed to laugh and smile and play. TOGETHER.

Me being here. Alone. So quiet.  It is not supposed to be this way. And it hurts.

I've been reading A Grace Disguised, by Jerry Sittser and he states it this way:

"Loss creates a barren present, as if one were sailing on a vast sea of nothingness. Those who suffer loss live suspended between a past for which they long and a future for which they hope. They want to return to the harbor of the familiar past and recover what was lost... Or they want to sail on a discover a meaningful future... Instead, they find themselves living in a barren present that is empty of meaning. Memories of the past only remind them of what they have lost; hope for the future only taunts them with an unknown too remote even to imagine."

Yes - that is how I feel today. Wishing for that harbor in the past - where we were a complete family and I didn't hurt so much. Instead, I feel lost and I don't have the means to move on.

I know I will somehow pull myself together. I know I will use this time for something good.

Maybe I'll start swimming again.
Maybe I'll do family history work.
Maybe I'll volunteer in the girls' classrooms.
Maybe I'll organize.

But not today. Today it hurts too much.

Yesterday hurt too much, too.  Yesterday, August 26th, was Link's 5 month angelversary. It's been five months since he was here on this earth. FIVE months. It still amazes me that I have gone this long - breathing in and out - when he does not. He has truly been gone longer than he was here & that knowledge seeps into my heart and makes it heavier than I think I can bear. Every fiber of my being wants him here. And while I really just want him here physically, I know that he has been here in spirit and given me signs of his love. Here are FIVE signs of his love that happened yesterday:

1. See these perfect, tiny footprints?  They are my son's. I didn't have them until yesterday. I don't know why- maybe with all the craziness of getting to the St. George NICU they never gave me a copy, but it broke my heart when I could not find his little footprints anywhere. I had Jason stop by the medical records office yesterday & he brought them home. I can't tell you how precious these are to me. I just held them to me and sobbed. We have moldings of his tiny hands, but we didn't have anything from his tiny feet. I am SO thankful to have these.

2. Speaking of footprints... my sweet sister sends me a new bead on the 26th of every month for the beautiful bracelet she gave me. I now have 5 beads on my bracelet. This one was so perfect for yesterday. I have definitely felt the Lord's strength carrying me through these difficult days.

 3. Another reminder of my son's and my Savior's love for me and my family. We were just finishing up family home evening yesterday evening when I glanced out the window and saw this beauty. I wish I would have gotten the whole thing into the picture. But it was a full rainbow stretched over the valley. I cherish the hope & love I feel whenever I see a rainbow.

 4. And, to finish the day,  this sunset. Just so beautiful. So amazing. So wonderful that I got to share it with those that I love. Made me feel very blessed
5. I make it a habit when I'm waking up to close my eyes for a minute and try to grasp for any dreams that I can remember. This morning I was able to recall a dream I had about Link. I'm not sure where I was, but I remember that I was holding him. I remember thinking (as I have in the past when I have dreamt about a loved one that has died) that there must have been some mistake. He wasn't dead! He was in my arms! He was beautiful. I got to hold him and I think I got to kiss him. I remember those gorgeous chubby cheeks. I just remember the JOY I had as I thought I would get to have him back & keep him. It broke my heart to wake up all the way and realize that he was indeed gone, but such a precious gift to be able to hold him and love him in my dreams. Any dreams I have of him are truly sacred and special to me.

So... after all these manifestations of love... maybe I'm not so alone after all?


Cedar's Complicated Cuara Family said...

Heidi, I'm sorry you feel alone, I cant comfort you much, but I care! It sounds like yesterday was as perfect as it could have been =) XOXO

Lisa Riddle said...

I'm sending you love Heidi. I am so sorry you have to go through this.

Patricia Potts said...

Heidi, thank you for inviting us on your journey, you're dream, your thankful heart and your life. Love, mom sis

Trish the Dish said...

Oh Heid, my heart aches for you. I am so sorry for this time of alone-ness. I hope you can find comfort in the little things and knowing that Link is with you always. I love you!

Lena Baron said...

Ahh Dear Sister! The feelings of Loneliness are so very real! And SOOO Heavy! But the gift is that you are able to find the Rainbows and the all of the messages you are given even through the loneliness. Thank you so much for sharing! Love You!!

Ryan and Shannan Hoffman said...

I have been thinking of you all week and am just now posting on this but I wanted to let you know how much I love you and your family. I can only imagine how the alone time must feel... just a constant reminder that Link should be there. I hope you are able to feel some comfort Heidi.

prayingformyrainbow said...

Unfortunately I know your pain. I don't get to stay home, but I have to say that working full time doesn't help either. One would think that having something to occupy one's mind would help, but it does not. I also lean on my faith, and look for signs from my Anneliese.

Molly said...

This post speaks too clearly to me. My heart breaks that you are home in a too quiet house. I remember thinking that after Jovi died even with my big boy at home... the house was just too quiet. I really like "A Grace Disguised" and got a lot out of it. I hope you do, too.

Know I'm thinking of you... and your sweet boy... and your broken heart, often. Praying for you.

Em said...

I remember 5 months in being just about the worst time ever.

Wow on the dream of Link. What a blessing. I have dreamed of Eva twice. Once she was dead but I still cherish that dream of holding her and changing her.

I'm so sorry of your loss of Link. But I love how he is your little link to heaven. His name is so perfect.

Love to you

BriAnne said...

What a truly beautiful post!! I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest when I read your post, experiencing all the same things I'm feeling about my little Clay, I'm sure he and Link are buddies up there! But then to read all the wonderful things that happened, the rainbow, the sunset, the charms from your sister and ESPECIALLY those little foot prints - oh how precious!!! I'm filled with so much joy for you, I'm so glad you're able to see the silver lining in these terrible storm clouds!