Broken

{I have gone back and forth about creating a separate blog for my grief. Most of it I work through in my personal journal, but in the end I decided to keep these posts a part of this blog. I totally understand if those who have read my blog in the past decide to skip these posts or stop reading my blog all together. But this is a part of my journey. And as painful as it is, it is something I don't want to forget. So... I know it's sometimes hard to read and you may not know what to say. And that is all okay. In the end, this will be mostly for myself and my children anyway. But I appreciate your continued thoughts, prayers, comments, e-mails, and notes. They truly mean so much to me. Thank you.}

Broken. 

I was sad when I found this Willow Tree. I don't know which of my daughters broke it. I didn't have the emotional energy to find out who it was or discipline them. I was just sad. But as I looked at it, I realized that it reminded me of someone. 

Me. 

I was having a hard day today. I kept having to fight the pain. The tears came, but I had to suck the grief back in. The visiting teachers were coming. The grief broke through afterward, but - no time - I needed to go pick up Kezia from preschool and get some groceries. The day went on like that till at the end, I had no energy to fight it anymore. I let the grief take over. I let the sobs and tears envelop me. The pain. My husband found me and said "Do you want to talk about it? Is it just that you are sad?" 

Sad?

Sad is when it rains when you were going to go to the park. Sad is when you lost a keepsake that was precious to you. Sad is when your team loses the game. 

Me? I'm not sad. 

I'm broken. 

Not just heart-broken. Everything-broken. My soul is broken.

So much of the time, I feel like I am here, but NOT. I feel like my body is walking through life and my spirit is dormant. Curled up in the fetal position. Not wanting to accept that life is happening. It's going on RIGHT NOW. Without my son. And I can't even put into words how much that hurts... aches. 

I feel like a broken mother. A broken wife. A broken sister, daughter, friend. A broken woman. A broken human being. I just don't work anymore. I mean, I can go through the motions. I can clean the house, make meals, drive carpool, talk to you, smile, but most of the time, I just can't make my soul wake up & really LIVE. 

I miss him like crazy. Oh... how I miss that smile. How I miss that laugh. How I miss holding him up to my mirror & saying "who is that handsome baby boy?" How I miss cuddling with him in bed in the mornings as he would coo at me and look at me with those beautiful blue, serious eyes. How I miss putting my finger in his palm and having him grip it tightly. How I miss picking out adorable baby boy clothes for him in the morning. And those cheeks. It's not possible to express how much I ache to kiss them. 

If I knew the reason why he had to go, would it make it a lot easier on me? I wonder about that. I'm not sure I will ever know, though the question will forever linger in my mind. 

I'm hopeful that I will not remain forever broken. I know there is only One that is a healer of souls. I know I need to seek Him to find healing. I believe I will get there through His help. But I also know that it isn't something that can be fixed overnight. Even a broken bone needs time to heal. My guess is broken souls need much longer.