Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Broken

{I have gone back and forth about creating a separate blog for my grief. Most of it I work through in my personal journal, but in the end I decided to keep these posts a part of this blog. I totally understand if those who have read my blog in the past decide to skip these posts or stop reading my blog all together. But this is a part of my journey. And as painful as it is, it is something I don't want to forget. So... I know it's sometimes hard to read and you may not know what to say. And that is all okay. In the end, this will be mostly for myself and my children anyway. But I appreciate your continued thoughts, prayers, comments, e-mails, and notes. They truly mean so much to me. Thank you.}



Broken. 

I was sad when I found this Willow Tree. I don't know which of my daughters broke it. I didn't have the emotional energy to find out who it was or discipline them. I was just sad. But as I looked at it, I realized that it reminded me of someone. 

Me. 

I was having a hard day today. I kept having to fight the pain. The tears came, but I had to suck the grief back in. The visiting teachers were coming. The grief broke through afterward, but - no time - I needed to go pick up Kezia from preschool and get some groceries. The day went on like that till at the end, I had no energy to fight it anymore. I let the grief take over. I let the sobs and tears envelop me. The pain. My husband found me and said "Do you want to talk about it? Is it just that you are sad?" 
Sad?
Sad is when it rains when you were going to go to the park. Sad is when you lost a keepsake that was precious to you. Sad is when your team loses the game. 
Me? I'm not sad. 

I'm broken. 

Not just heart-broken. Everything-broken. My soul is broken.

So much of the time, I feel like I am here, but NOT. I feel like my body is walking through life and my spirit is dormant. Curled up in the fetal position. Not wanting to accept that life is happening. It's going on RIGHT NOW. Without my son. And I can't even put into words how much that hurts... aches

I feel like a broken mother. A broken wife. A broken sister, daughter, friend. A broken woman. A broken human being. I just don't work anymore. I mean, I can go through the motions. I can clean the house, make meals, drive carpool, talk to you, smile, but most of the time, I just can't make my soul wake up & really LIVE. 

I miss him like crazy. Oh... how I miss that smile. How I miss that laugh. How I miss holding him up to my mirror & saying "who is that handsome baby boy?" How I miss cuddling with him in bed in the mornings as he would coo at me and look at me with those beautiful blue, serious eyes. How I miss putting my finger in his palm and having him grip it tightly. How I miss picking out adorable baby boy clothes for him in the morning. And those cheeks. It's not possible to express how much I ache to kiss them. 

If I knew the reason why he had to go, would it make it a lot easier on me? I wonder about that. I'm not sure I will ever know, though the question will forever linger in my mind. 

I'm hopeful that I will not remain forever broken. I know there is only One that is a healer of souls. I know I need to seek Him to find healing. I believe I will get there through His help. But I also know that it isn't something that can be fixed overnight. Even a broken bone needs time to heal. My guess is broken souls need much longer. 

13 comments:

Jen said...

Heidi, my name is Jen and I am on the Utah SIDS Facebook page that Anna started. My son passed away two months ago and we are still waiting for autopsy results. I am still just in so much shock but I have been reading posts on that page this week and finding blogs (if they have them). There is something so reassuring about finding others who understand what I am going through, as much as I wish none of you did. I just wanted to give you a big hug and tell you I feel like what you wrote could have been lifted from the pages of my own heart. All my love and prayers for your broken heart.

Ryan and Shannan Hoffman said...

Bless you heart Heidi . I am so sorry for the pain that you are feeling. I will never stop reading your blog and I appreciate your honest posts. I pray that you will continue to feel peace over time. Life just stinks sometimes. I love you!

BriAnne said...

That was a beautiful post. Such a perfect description. Yes, only He can heal us - put our pieces together and with a lot of super glue we'll look pretty much the same... but in this life at least - the super glue will probably always show - we are forever changed without our little baby boys. But hopefully in time He will dry up our tears, calm the pain, and fill the emptiness with gratitude, faith, hope, and joy. I'm so sorry today was so hard, so rough, so dark and lonely... so painful. I pray that tomorrow is a brighter day!

Patricia Potts said...

It is 7:45 am. I cried as I read your post and I wished it was a little later so I could call and cry with you. The honest way you wove your sharing once again touches my heart and blesses my soul with understanding and greater wisdom...you have a way of doing that Heidi...you have a gift. Thank you for sharing. I am grateful you will keep sharing with all of us. Love, mom

Lisa said...

I'm still reading and praying for you. This is a lovely post.

Trish the Dish said...

Every post I read of yours makes me ache with you, makes me wonder what I can do, makes me want to call and talk, makes me overcome with feeling of "why did this have to happen?" but strengthens my testimony! I love reading your blog and I know SO many do! You're influencing people's life for the better my sister. I know that He who gave us life and who can take it away has the glue to hold your pieces together. You will still be scarred forever but I know He can heal us and he can help you not be broken or as broken. I love you!

Get Hooked said...

Hugs and prayers!

Cindy Lou Who said...

I love you Heidi...just sending virtual hugs and kisses. Be patient with your heart and soul. I'm sure you are right...it will take time. I'm so glad you are sharing some of that journey with us.

Cindy Lou Who said...

I love you Heidi...just sending virtual hugs and kisses. Be patient with your heart and soul. I'm sure you are right...it will take time. I'm so glad you are sharing some of that journey with us.

Molly said...

I can so relate to this post. I remember feeling (and still can feel) like life was rushing around me... And I was just standing there.... Not wanting to move. Not wanting to accept I had to continue living with empty arms and very broken heart. Broken is a good word. It isn't sadness when you miss Link... When you crave just to hold him or see that sweet smile... You are broken. I'm so sorry you have to do this. I'm so sorry life just continues on normally when your entire life has shattered. These moments do become more fleeting but never go away... Praying for you, Heidi. For some sun, some light, and some joy for your very broken heart.

My 4 Gooches said...

Hi Heidi, my name is Chelsey and I started following your blog shortly after Linkin passed away. I cannot even begin to imagine the hurt and despair you are going through. I've worked in healthcare for 10 years, specifically pediatrics for 7, and as I witness parents losing children, it never ever gets easier for me. My heart crumbles all over again each time. I am so glad you are a part of the gospel, however, because I believe that is the only way anyone could feel comfort in a time like this. I want to tell you that you never need to apologize for voicing your grief. The fact that you talk about it instead of keeping it inside is wonderful and who knows how many people need to hear what you have to say. Keep voicing your emotions. You are a beautiful writer. I know we've never met, but consider me giving you a huge hug at this moment. I wish I could for real.
Also, there is a blog I follow written by a mother who lost her 18-mth-old daughter. She expresses her feelings so beautifully. I highly recommend you check it out, it's a soul-lifting read.
www.sullengers.com

Lena Baron said...

There is a reason I didn't read this until today. I pray that today is a better day then the day you wrote this. But even still, I am so glad you have chosen to express your heart through writing. If feels familiar and helps us know we are not aloe in our loss. Love You!!

Jennifer Strand said...

Heidi, I love reading your posts. Your emotions are true. Please continue to share your thoughts and emotions. We love you and your sweet family. We miss Link too.