These past couple weeks have been... well, rough.
I ruined 2 phones - one was jumping into our community pool fully clothed to save our 7 year old from drowning. The other was tripping and falling on a long run and accidentally smashing my husband's phone into the ground.
And 2 days ago I stole groceries from Walmart. It's true. Let me tell you why/how...
I just had to grab a few things. It was a Saturday & a rare kid-free time. I was feeling pretty good - throwing things in the cart, then I headed for checkout.
I don't know how to describe the next part. It was like slow motion in my mind. I glanced over down an isle and overheard a woman speaking to some people. I didn't know who she was or the people she was talking to. But what she said drilled into my heart. She was smiling and (motioning to her kids) said "Oh, they are SO much fun. I just don't know what we're going to do with a boy!" I kept moving toward the checkout, but my mind and heart was at that spot - listening, remembering. I had uttered those SAME words about a year and a half ago. Having a boy was such a new thing, but we were so very excited.
I guess I went into grief coma mode. I went to the self checkout and scanned all my items and put them into bags, and WALKED OUT - without paying for them! I got home (still with those words echoing in my mind & heart). I sat down and realized that I didn't remember actually paying for the groceries. Usually I have an amount in my head that I automatically try and gauge against our budget. But I didn't have that amount. No receipt to be found.
I sighed. Went back to Walmart. Re-checked out the same groceries & this time PAID for them. Got in the van and just started sobbing. All the way home.
I pulled into our garage and I said to myself - out loud - I DO have a son! I have a SON! His name is Link and he is my boy. He is my son.
And I sobbed some more.
This probably sounds really crazy to many of you - especially those who have not lost a child. Where is the connection? Why would I just say that? No one told me I didn't have a son.
Well, I guess it's because you get to a point where you wonder if it was all a dream. Did I really have a son? Did that all really happen? Right now, it seems my world is all girls and my heart hurts for a boy. For MY boy. For my Link. I see his pictures and videos and the mold of his little hands, but it's not HIM.
I miss you, my duder-dude. Every. Single. Day. And I get caught up in that missing at the strangest times and in the strangest places. And I can't think of anything else except you.