Wow. So much good stuff in there. Please read.
I was glad I did. Know why?
Because I, too, suffer from the "perfection disease."
You see, we are moving in a week and every time we move I say to myself "OK, Heidi. Here is your chance! You can start over! People don't know you there. They haven't seen all your faults and problems - your home or your children in disarray. You can start from scratch. You can get to church 20 minutes early. You and all your children and husband dressed to perfection - not a hair out of place. You will smile at EVERYone. You will make wise comments in your classes. You will make lots of friends. You will have people over after church and your home will be immaculate. They will walk in and smell the aroma of fresh-baked break and slow-cooker mastery. You will invite them to stay for dinner and your children will be oh-so-sweet, kind, and full of manners. Then everyone will think you are perfect!"
First of all, the reality is - of course - that this scenario will never happen. Most likely it will be all I can do to GET to church, let alone on time, let alone with everyone looking Sunday best. I will probably not make any comments - either because I'm afraid I'll say something dumb or because I will be cleaning off my dress from Kezi spilling some sort of thing on me. I'll come home & things will be messy. Shoes, toys, clothes on the floor. Maybe some dishes still on the table or in the sink - and my children will be running around yelling/fighting/making messes.
The thing is that after reading that post, I'm going to not shoot for scenario #1 anymore. Nope. I think I'm opting to be a real girl. It won't be easy. Not with all these pseudo models of perfection all around me. But I'm going to try real hard.
You know, I've been thinking lately that if I had one super-human power, it wouldn't be that I could knock down a building in one punch. Or that I could shoot laser beams with my eyes. Or even that I could fly (although that one is in the top 5)... It would be that I would absolutely, positively, NEVER be able to compare myself with another human being. Inspired by someone? Sure! But the whole "She has X, Y, Z - and I don't even have A" - that would go for sure. Can you imagine the possibilities? Think about how much energy we would gain by NOT comparing ourselves to another person. To look in the mirror at my gym class & only focus on what I am trying to accomplish, instead of thinking "Geez... why I can't I have her shoulders? or... wow - look at how much weight she has on! or... if only I had hair like that..." To truly, sincerely be happy for others' sucesses, and truly, sincerely seek those who could use help - all without comparing them with myself. What freedom!
So - I'm going to try to take the challenge & start today. Here's my REAL self:
Hello - my name is Heidi and I am co-dependent. I am often selfish & I tend to overreact and get emotional about little things. I often have a cluttered home. 5 days out of 7, I let my older 2 children dress themselves and fix their own hair. I've had weight/body issues for probably 24 out of almost 32 years of my life. I always feel behind on memory projects - and when I'm working on them I feel guilty because I let my children run wild & don't spend enough time with them. I also had some issues in middle school & high school with the whole "dumb blonde" thing. I heard it enough that I actually started believing it - and even now sometimes I have to do some positive talk in my head to get out the rhetoric. I have a deep, strong testimony, but I have doubts sometimes and many days I am not good about reading scriptures. Just like the SDL, I tend to judge other people harshly for the same things that I hate about myself. I seem to have an addiction to blogs & FB & I feel guilty about how much time I spend online instead of being with my children or getting things done.
Whew! That was kind of scary, but felt good! It's not that I am just accepting these things - most of these I want to improve on, but the point is that I'm not going to pretend like these things aren't happening. Because they are. I'm going to be part of the perfectionism cure - being REAL! Join me?
6 comments:
Perfectionism is over-rated.:) Of course I just say that because I am so far from perfect it is scary. I loved this post, thank you for sharing! I wish there was a way to just eliminate that part of our personalities but it will always be there as humans. I think you are an amazing mom, friend, you are beautiful, and I envy you!
Heidi, I love you! You make me smile and want to be a better person. Not because of you're perfect but because you try everyday.
I'll tell you a secret. Every time we moved I did the same thing. Tried so hard to make a fresh start and look perfect on the outside. This last time I did the opposite. I purposely left my house messy when people came over. I always was late and did my best to look flustered. Why? Because then you're someone EVERYONE can relate to. I even considered getting my hair dyed pink so my reputation would only go up in everyone's eyes. I didn't but I thought about it.
Good luck on the move and keep us posted on how everything is going.
Well dear sister, what can I say?...(thinking)
We are all amazing? For some reason that comes to mind... Right at this moment, I feel exausted, over weight, achy, and my head is heavy. HOWEVER, in between those issues I baked a loaf of bread, five dozen breakfast cookies, and attempted to cook tortillas, all gluten free (that makes things harder.) So with that said, I'll bet you think I'm pretty cool huh!?:) But, wait! I am not going to put any of my baking supplies away. And I have flour all over the place. And right now JJ's been screaming for about 5 minutes. Does that change how you feel about me? If you came over right now would you feel uncomfortable? My guess is, you would feel at home. Why? Because we are all in the same boat. We all have good, bad, and ugly. I'm not sure if I'm getting my point across. What I'm saying is, feel okay about yourself. If you compare, compare the WHOLE picture. And then maybe you'll see that we're all pretty cool. And we all have some dirt!
I love you dear girl! You are beautiful through and through. I can't wait to spend time with you!
BTW: I LOVED this post!
Heidi, thank you for leading the way once again for all of us to be better people. From spearheading the sista's weekend to Jason's surprise get away. you not only record memories, you help make many of them possible.
As for perfection... since i once wrote the book on the disease I,m thankful you wrote the blog.
love,
mom/sis
Whoa you could have knocked me down with a feather! I knew none of those things about you...body issues you have GOT to be kidding me! You have always looked amazing! So here's what I think of you: You notice things, small things and appreciate the smiles of a day. You make others feel included and reach for the best version of themselves. You are smart, sweet, dependable, good, kind and you love the out-of-doors. Phew...hope that felt better then the honesty you gave to yourself. While there are lots of facts around us always, not all are true (in the D&C 93:24-25ish version sense). It's one of Satan's favorite tactics with me, distortion of truth.
Much love.
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