Tuesday, December 11, 2012

My Girls

As we meet people here, they ask us where we're from and why we're here. When we tell them about Link, we usually mention that he has three sisters at home. Usually they get wide-eyed and ask "How are the girls doing with all of this?"
Well, let me tell you. 

Kezia. Oh, my sweet blonde-haired, blue-eyed beauty. She had a hard time the other night & cried to her daddy "why can't you just come get me & bring me to the hospital?" She just doesn't understand why she can't just come here at the hospital like she did in St. George. She is our daddy's girl. I will talk to her on the phone & give it maybe 2 minutes before she's asking for her daddy. She loves for us to read her books over Skype. She's regressing on her potty training.

Ireland. She's kind of the opposite of Kezia. She thinks we're someplace completely unreachable. She asks me "Mom - what are you doing in that land over there?" She is a momma's girl. She has a hard time hanging up with mom. She had an owie one night when she was at Aunt Cindy's. We were just talking on the phone - not Skyping. She was trying to "show" me her owie & saying "it's right here, mom. It's right here." I said "I can't see it sweetie." She started crying & was sobbing "I know you can't. You're over there. You're so far away." She has expressed her frustration over this whole thing by taking permanent markers & decorating Aunt Cindy's walls & furniture. Sigh... She always asks when we're coming back. 

McKinley: In a lot of ways, my heart hurts for McKinley the very most. She is trying so very hard to be brave. She hasn't cried. When we ask how she's doing, she always says "good." But I know this is hard for her. She's going to a new school. Again. She's trying to meet new friends. She's trying to act like she's just fine. She's expressing her frustration by doing everything HER way. She won't let Grandma help her with certain things and she takes her own sweet time to do things. I am thankful her cousins are there to help her. 


And, me? Well, I miss them horribly ALL the time, but I can usually keep it together. Until... church. Did I mention that there is a church RIGHT next door to the Ronald McDonald House? (talk about a LOVE NOTE!) I see little children - and even little girls - all the time here at CHOP and at the Ronald McDonald House. And I'm usually fine. But when I walked into the church and sat down and this adorable little girl in the pew in front of us struck up a conversation about how she had a birthday yesterday and now she's FOUR years old... well... it was a good thing I had some tissues with me. I couldn't stop the tears. I missed my girls so very much. Seeing little children & little families in church is the hardest thing for me. Here I am sitting with my sweet husband. I should be enjoying church without the distractions. But at the time, what I wouldn't give for my distractions to be there with me!! It is just not okay to be sitting there with an empty lap and empty hands. It's at church that I feel like my heart will break in two. It's where I have a very difficult time keeping it together. 

At church and... last night. After we got done Skyping with the girls, I just fell apart. Every part of my heart screamed that this was not okay. This was not how it should be. I should be the one that they run to when they get home from school. I should be the one helping with their homework. I should be the one that tucks them in. I should be the one to give and get sweet good-night hugs and kisses. It's been over 2 weeks since I've touched my girls. And it will be a week and a half more till I'll get to be with them again. And it's just not okay. We got round-trip tickets to SLC for the 20th, coming back the 26th. I can't wait to be with my girls, though I think I'll have the same feelings about being with my baby boy while I'm there. 

It's a strange, hurtful feeling when your heart is in two places at once. 

6 comments:

Tiff Meister said...

Heidi, my heart breaks for you. I can't imagine what you're going through. It's truly amazing what a soul can survive. I love you guys and can't wait to see you and your beautiful family!

Patricia Potts said...

Heidi,
It has been an honor to be the one to greet the girls and be with them. I see you through them. I see your great creativity (art work with the markers), I see your need for independence (I can do it myself)and I feel your zest for life (when Kezia comes running to me shouting "Grandma!") I see your hidden tears as you sing to the girls and listen to their day without being able to tickle or touch.
Although at times it is hard on this end of things it is also sweet and wonderful. Thank you for entrusting your most precious girls in our care.
Love,
mom/sis

Mindy Benson said...

My heart aches for you, for your kids, and even for Jason. This has been so rough for you guys and I feel like I need to help, but not sure what to do. Maybe the girls could come stay with us for a couple of days. I don't know, but I just want to do something. I want to be with our friends and just be with you guys. I feel that we have been apart too long. I hope that this will all be over soon!

Diane said...

Oh We love you. You are all so strong! What blessing will come to your family! We wish we could help more and do more for you. We are still praying for you and hope you feel comforted! Love you!

Ryan and Shannan Hoffman said...

I can only imagine how hard it must be to be seperated from them, and how hard it must be for them.
:( And the thought of Christmas away from Link must be so hard...
Love you.

Lisa Riddle said...

Heidi I am so glad you will get to be with your girls for Christmas! I can't imagine how hard it is to be away from them. Are you coming to Cedar or just staying in Salt Lake?