Well, let me tell you.
Kezia. Oh, my sweet blonde-haired, blue-eyed beauty. She had a hard time the other night & cried to her daddy "why can't you just come get me & bring me to the hospital?" She just doesn't understand why she can't just come here at the hospital like she did in St. George. She is our daddy's girl. I will talk to her on the phone & give it maybe 2 minutes before she's asking for her daddy. She loves for us to read her books over Skype. She's regressing on her potty training.
Ireland. She's kind of the opposite of Kezia. She thinks we're someplace completely unreachable. She asks me "Mom - what are you doing in that land over there?" She is a momma's girl. She has a hard time hanging up with mom. She had an owie one night when she was at Aunt Cindy's. We were just talking on the phone - not Skyping. She was trying to "show" me her owie & saying "it's right here, mom. It's right here." I said "I can't see it sweetie." She started crying & was sobbing "I know you can't. You're over there. You're so far away." She has expressed her frustration over this whole thing by taking permanent markers & decorating Aunt Cindy's walls & furniture. Sigh... She always asks when we're coming back.
McKinley: In a lot of ways, my heart hurts for McKinley the very most. She is trying so very hard to be brave. She hasn't cried. When we ask how she's doing, she always says "good." But I know this is hard for her. She's going to a new school. Again. She's trying to meet new friends. She's trying to act like she's just fine. She's expressing her frustration by doing everything HER way. She won't let Grandma help her with certain things and she takes her own sweet time to do things. I am thankful her cousins are there to help her.
And, me? Well, I miss them horribly ALL the time, but I can usually keep it together. Until... church. Did I mention that there is a church RIGHT next door to the Ronald McDonald House? (talk about a LOVE NOTE!) I see little children - and even little girls - all the time here at CHOP and at the Ronald McDonald House. And I'm usually fine. But when I walked into the church and sat down and this adorable little girl in the pew in front of us struck up a conversation about how she had a birthday yesterday and now she's FOUR years old... well... it was a good thing I had some tissues with me. I couldn't stop the tears. I missed my girls so very much. Seeing little children & little families in church is the hardest thing for me. Here I am sitting with my sweet husband. I should be enjoying church without the distractions. But at the time, what I wouldn't give for my distractions to be there with me!! It is just not okay to be sitting there with an empty lap and empty hands. It's at church that I feel like my heart will break in two. It's where I have a very difficult time keeping it together.
At church and... last night. After we got done Skyping with the girls, I just fell apart. Every part of my heart screamed that this was not okay. This was not how it should be. I should be the one that they run to when they get home from school. I should be the one helping with their homework. I should be the one that tucks them in. I should be the one to give and get sweet good-night hugs and kisses. It's been over 2 weeks since I've touched my girls. And it will be a week and a half more till I'll get to be with them again. And it's just not okay. We got round-trip tickets to SLC for the 20th, coming back the 26th. I can't wait to be with my girls, though I think I'll have the same feelings about being with my baby boy while I'm there.
It's a strange, hurtful feeling when your heart is in two places at once.