Friday, April 26, 2013

Unexplained

Yesterday we received Link's final autopsy report in the mail. 






Everything about that last sentence is so wrong



This is what it said:
Manner of death: Could not be determined.
Immediate cause of death: Sudden unexplained infant death. 

It said a lot more than that. Pages & pages of medical information - no viruses, nothing wrong with his organs... nothing. Jason made me promise not to read it without him by my side, but I couldn't help it. I had to know. 

It's not like I expected it to say anything really different, but... well... maybe I did? Maybe I wanted them to find something... something... anything to tell me WHY. 

I was never going to be one of those moms! My baby was never going to die of SIDS! I tried to do everything right! I breastfed him, I always put him to sleep on his back, he didn't want the binki at first, but I kept giving it to him until he really took it, I swaddled him in breathable blankets. The room was kept at a normal/cool temperature. 

Unexplained. Unexplained. 

So, basically they are telling me that my baby died and they don't know why. And he went through SO much in his first two months of life - 2 MONTHS of hospitals - just to lose him in his sleep? Just to have it be unexplained? 

I think I am certifiably in my "anger phase" of grieving. There are times I am positively volatile.  HOW IS THIS FAIR? keeps running through my mind. I have a journal where I write to Link and this was a recent entry:


"It’s NOT FAIR! It’s not fair that you don’t even get to experience your first year of life – of mortality – with all the seasons and traditions that go with it.There’s so much you didn’t get to see of this big, wide world.  You missed out on most of Spring!! The flowers blooming, the birds chirping, the baby animals. Oh, I think you would have loved it! You’re going to miss summer! Oh – how you would have loved summer! I think you’d be sitting up by then & we could put you in the little pool in your new swim shorts that you never got to wear. You are not going to be here for the fireworks! The BBQs! The blowing of bubbles and the wearing of short sleeves! Having picnics in the park and staying up late. Camping! How much it hurts my heart that you are going to miss camping! The fishing with your daddy, the campfire, the brilliant stars at night.  You’re going to miss Autumn, my baby boy. The gorgeous turning of the leaves. Going back to school. The pumpkins. You never got to ever dress in a costume & go trick-or-treating! Oh, my baby boy, I am SO SORRY that you are missing out on that! And winter… I know you were around for winter, but it was mostly spent in hospitals or inside. You are going to miss out on snowman-building, sledding, sipping hot cocoa, and really experiencing CHRISTMAS!  Oh… all these holidays… all these seasons… all these traditions that you aren’t going to get to experience in mortality. Oh! It makes my heart hurt. I am so, so, so sorry. I know you will see them from the other side, but it’s not the same & it’s NOT FAIR!  And it's not fair that I will miss most of your first year milestones. The crawling. The walking. The talking. I feel so cheated! And it’s not fair that you get to be there with Heavenly Father & I am stuck down here in this carnal world and don’t have any idea when I will see you again. IT’S JUST NOT FAIR! It’s not fair that I have to see other people with their babies. They get to have them, hold them, kiss them, sing to them, tuck them in at night, watch them grow. Watch them LIVE. IT’S NOT FAIR! It’s not fair that your sisters have to grieve you - have to miss you every day and wonder when you will come back & let them hug you and dance with you and get you to smile and laugh. IT’S NOT FAIR! It’s not fair that every year, your sisters will get updated pictures on the wall. They will change as they grow. But yours will not change. It will remain the same. You won't have pictures from when you are 5 months old. Or 6 months old. Or a year. Or two. I won’t get to see what color your hair really WAS going to be when it came in – or if your eyes would have held that blue. IT’S NOT FAIR! It’s not fair that I won’t get to see you grow up, go to school, make friends, serve an earthly mission, get married on earth, etc. IT’S NOT FAIR! It’s not fair that your dad won’t have another priesthood holder in our home. Oh! I was so excited to finally give him a son! It’s not fair that he won’t be able to go on father/son camp outs with you, or go to scouts, or match ties, or play with matchbox cars that he saved from his childhood for his future son, or go four-wheeling. Oh – how I was looking forward to seeing that father/son bond as you grew. IT’S NOT FAIR!"

Do I sound like whiny three-year-old child? 
I sure feel like a child sometimes. 
I wonder how I can be expected to help my girls through this when I feel like a child myself. I can barely function as a human being, let alone a wife, let alone a mother. 
Please forgive me as I let the anger come. As I feel it and I work through it.  
I bring it to my husband and he holds me. 
I bring it to my God and he lets me rant and rave and yell. And after it all, and I am left a  sobbing heap on the floor, he speaks quietly to my heart. He speaks comfort. He speaks hope. He speaks love. And I sob some more. Because he loves me. Because He knows. He knows like no one else knows. He knows. 

It's been one month since Link died. ONE MONTH. The 26th of every month is going to be a hard day for a while, I think. It's now been a month since I've held him, since I've seen those bright blue eyes, since I've heard him cry.  But it hasn't been a month since I've talked to him. I talk to him every day. It hasn't been a month since I've loved him. I will keep on loving him every minute of every day. 


6 comments:

Trish the Dish said...

Oh Heidi. Every time I read your blog I sob. Parker noticed my tears and said, "Mom, are you sad?" I explained that I was very sad and missed Link and was so sad that 'Aunt Heidi' and her family are having to go through losing Link. I also told him how grateful I am for he and Spencer. He looked in my eyes and said, "Mom, do you need my monkey?" His monkey is very special to him and he knew it'd bring me comfort. So sweet. And then a few minutes later he acted really sad and said, "Mom, I really miss Link!". We love you SO much and know that with Heavenly Father and the Savior's help you can get through these difficult times. It's NOT FAIR and I am SO SORRY! I love you!

Lena Baron said...

There just aren't words that fit how I feel. I am so sorry! It is a living nightmare for a long time. A constant calling out for help and answers. And as you see, some answers come with glimmers of peace and some answers you want to change or send back. It's horrible. In time I promise the sickness and weight in your heart will be lightened. Not taken away or forgotten, because we never want to forget our babies. But it will get easier. In time, you will be able to function as a human being. You will be able to be the wife you want to be. And you will be the mother your children need. All in time. And until then, the angels and the Savior will make up the difference and meet their needs and yours. I wish we could be closer together so we could help you more. But you are never far from my thoughts and prayers. Love You!

Tiff Meister said...

Heidi, we love you! We miss Link and pray for your family daily. Trisha is right, this isn't fair. I love you!

Cindy Lou Who said...

Oh my Heidi...my sister! I am continually amazed by your honest sharing of what you are feeling. I love you...I love your faith, your eloquent writing, your honesty, your heart. And it's NOT fair. There are not enough exclamation points...I wish Link could be with us . Oh how my arms want to hug you and how I long to cry with you. I love you...
Drive safely<3

Ryan and Shannan Hoffman said...

I have been thinking about this post since yesterday. Thinking of how easy it is to take things for granted. I have a quote from a letter I received shortly after Kate was diagnosed that I would like to email you, it brought me a lot of comfort when I was wondering why things were so unfair. I am so sorry for the experiences you guys will miss with Link. I am sure it feels like there is a constant void. Love you guys so much...

Ryan and Shannan Hoffman said...

Here is the quote from Boyd K Packer..."Remember this! The line 'And they lived happliy ever after' is never written until the second act of a play. That line belongs in the third act, when the mysteries are solved and everything is put right...

"Until you have a broad perspective of the eternal nature of the plan, you won't make much sense out of the inequities in life. Some are born with so little and others with so much. Some are born in poverty, with handicaps, with pain, with suffering. Some experience premature death, even innocent children. There are the brutal, unforgiving forces of nature and the brutality of man to man.

"Do not suppose that God willfully causes that which, for His own purposes, he permits. When you know the plan and the purpose of it all, even these things will manifest a loving Father in Heaven."

Love you Jason and Heidi!!