Link's Story

Many of the people that have read this blog know that Link died, but many don't know how he LIVED. Link had quite a journey in his short life on this earth, and our family did as well. I wanted to document his entire life adventure here & hope to have it as a separate page to keep on this blog. 

OUR "LINK" TO HEAVEN

 In June of 2012, when we had the "big ultrasound" and

found out we were having a boy, we were a bit disoriented. After three girls (ages seven, five, and three), we wondered if it was possible for us to ever have a boy. But we were filled with joy and excitement. Visions of father-son campouts, matchbox car races, and dinosaur-printed onesies filled our minds.

We discussed names. I knew it had to start with the letter L. We had names in our family that started with the letters H, I, J, K and M. We were just missing the L. My husband, Jason,  liked the name Lincoln – as in Abraham Lincoln. Good, strong, noble American name. But I wanted just Link – as in, he would link our names and our family together. In the end, we compromised and decided to name him Linkin – and just call him “Link.” His middle name, Dallin, comes from a combination of his grandpas' names - Dan and Billy. Each of the girls also have names from grandmas & great-grandmas. 

After an exhausting 18-hour labor, Link was born the evening of November 7, 2012. They handed him to me and at 9 lbs, 6 oz, I just remember thinking “Are you sure he is really mine? He is huge!” He had beautiful, enormous cheeks  and broad shoulders. We were instantly in love. Our fourth child. Finally a son.

Jason and I as well as his grandmothers got to spend some truly sweet, precious moments with him before the hospital did their first checks and tests.  That was when they first noticed that his blood sugars were critically low. He was rushed to the Newborn Intensive Care Unit (NICU) to get started on a glucose IV. We were assured that it was more of a precautionary step and that he should be able to wean off the glucose in the next day or two and come home to three very excited, anxious sisters. I remember a photographer coming into our room the next day and asking about pictures. I informed her to come back tomorrow. Link would be out of the NICU by then and we should be ready to take pictures before we headed home. The next day came, and with it came a phone call from our doctor, telling us that Link was still having low blood sugar issues and he needed to be transported to a larger regional hospital, 45 minutes away, in St. George, Utah. He said the ambulance would be there for transport in about an hour. I hung up the phone in complete shock. What was going on? This was not how it was supposed to be. How was this possible? All our other babies were so perfect & healthy! We were supposed to be able to take him home and be a family.

We spent two long weeks in the St. George NICU with Link as they tried and tried to wean him off the glucose.  Link’s sisters got to visit a few times and they were enthralled by their new brother – they loved to feed him, hold him, and kiss those chubby cheeks – even if it was only through the isolette or with him attached to any number of IVs and monitoring devices. This was a trying time. Physically, I was recovering from just having a baby. Emotionally, I was torn apart from wanting and needing to be there for my baby and also knowing that my three daughters needed me, too. Thankfully, we had a lot of support from family and friends in helping with our daughters. I spent a lot of time in prayer, asking for the Lord to heal my baby and let me take him home. I also prayed for patience, peace, the ability to learn what He wanted me to learn from this trial, and pleading for an eternal perspective. Gratefully, we had a visual reminder right outside our hospital window of eternal perspective – a beautiful view of the St. George temple. I also worked on keeping a gratitude journal to remember all the miracles and blessings we experienced along the way. They were not few. At the end of two weeks, Link’s doctor came to visit with us in our boarding room at the hospital. He said that everything they had done to get Link to wean off the glucose was not working. They were going to try a new medicine, but if that didn’t work, he was recommending transport to the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia, where they had specialized diagnostic equipment and experienced physicians and surgeons.  Again, shock prevented me from processing this information. Philadelphia? That’s across the country! We have three little girls at home! Still… we had to do what was best for our son and all we could really do was trust God and hold on for the ride. Link's doctor also arranged for Jason, Link, and I to have blood drawn for a genetic test that might provide more answers. 

The medicine did not help Link’s condition and on November 26^th, 2012, Jason, Link, two nurses, a pilot, and I flew across the country in a small life-flight plane to Philadelphia. Link’s three sisters went to live with their grandma and grandpa in Salt Lake City, Utah. I felt like my heart was being stretched in two – one part of it stayed behind in Salt Lake City with my daughters. The other part across the country in Philadelphia with my husband and son. The genetic test results came back within a couple days of arriving in Philadelphia,  showing that Link had received a recessive-mutated gene from Jason, giving him a rare genetic condition – hyperinsulinism. Hyperinsulinism is a condition where the pancreas simply produces too much insulin. The

genetic test results pointed to the likelihood that Link’s hyperinsulism was coming from a focal lesion on his pancreas. They performed a PET scan and confirmed that he had a focal lesion in the body of his pancreas.

On December 7, 2012, when Link was one month old, he underwent surgery. That day there were more than 200 people fasting and praying for Link.  The surgery was successful and he ended up having a 50% pancreactectomy. After the surgery, everything about Link’s recovery was amazing – nothing short of a miracle. They said he was in the top five fastest recoveries they’ve seen for his condition. Within a few days, Link was up to full feeds and within a week, he was taken off the glucose IV. What a joyous, blessed day that was! We finally had our “wireless Link”!

Throughout Link’s hospital stay in St. George and Philadelphia, we formed a strong bond with him. He was such a good baby – even with all the pokes and prods (typically he was poked every three hours to check his blood sugar level)  and IV lines. He started smiling just before he reached a month old and had such an amazing, pure, sweet spirit. Beautiful blue eyes. Adorable cheeks that were impossible not to kiss repeatedly. Being in the hospital with him for almost two months was so very difficult, but looking back, we also feel so very blessed for that precious one-on-one time we had with him. Especially Jason never would have spent as much time with him if he hadn’t been in the hospital so long.

On December 19^th, after an 18-hour fast without dropping blood sugars, the doctor came in, raised his hands in the air and proclaimed “he’s cured! He’s a cured baby!”  Tears came to my eyes as I heard those words and I could not stop the grin that formed on my face.  After just three and a half weeks in Philadelphia  we had a cured baby. What a miracle! What a blessing!  During his recovery, we never let the family really know how well he was doing. We didn't want them to get their hopes up. We also thought if it was possible, we would like to surprise them for Christmas. When we had first arrived in Philadelphia, the doctors informed us it would be 4-16 weeks before Link could be discharged, so we bought round-trip tickets to Salt Lake for Christmas to be with the girls. No one anticipated he would recover so quickly that we wouldn't need to use the ticket back to Philly! On December 21^st, we flew to Salt Lake City with our son – but none of our family or friends knew Link was coming home with us! There was a couple on the plane that we had met in the Philadelphia LDS ward we attended while we were there and we asked if they would help us carry out our Christmas surprise. After we got off the plane, Jason and I went to meet grandma and our daughters and hugs were shared and tears were shed – the girls were so thankful to have their mommy and daddy home – even if it was for a short time. But – to their surprise, the people we met in Philadelphia came a few minutes behind us with the car seat carrier. On it was a huge red bow. As she handed the car seat to us, she said “I think you forgot this! Merry Christmas!” Oh the joy and happiness!  More tears! The girls and grandma were overjoyed at this true Christmas miracle! We surprised each member of our families with the news that Link got to come home with us – he was home – for good! He was a beautiful, healthy, cured baby! He was seven weeks old when he finally was able to come home to Cedar City, Utah. To be a complete family in our very own home felt too good to be true. I wept freely many times at the miracle to be home with a healthy baby.

The next two and a half months were joyful bliss for our family. We didn't travel. We mostly stayed at home and warmed ourselves in the glow of the happiness of being together as a family. Link’s sisters smothered him with kisses and hugs. We had to set a timer to make sure everyone got enough time to hold him. We had to take turns with who got to take a bath with him, sit by him in the van, etc. He was truly loved and cherished. Beautiful memories were made and strong bonds were formed with his sisters.  He was healthy. All his follow-up appointments went well. There was no lasting effect from his condition. He grew. He smiled. He giggled and laughed. He cooed. He "talked." He played with his toes.  He was always putting his fingers in his mouth. He was getting really good in his exersaucer and jumper. His presence and effect in our family was profound. He was our miracle baby. He was our duder-dude. He was treasured and held and loved. March 3 was his blessing day. He was so incredibly handsome in his little white outfit - complete with a tiny bow tie. I remember dressing him in that outfit, trying to wipe the tears away. I just was so thankful for him and he was JUST so handsome. Both sides of our family came to celebrate him, hold him, kiss him and rejoice in his good health. 

Taken the night before he died

Then, on March 26^th, 2013, without warning, our world was turned upside-down.  I had put Link down for a regular afternoon nap. When I went in to get him up and feed him, I saw that he had rolled over. I thought that was strange, but I didn't panic until I picked him up. He was limp. He was cold. He was blue. He wasn't breathing. I held him as I ran out of his room. I screamed. I called 911. I put him on our living room rug. They walked me through giving him CPR. After a while some police officers came & took over for me - giving him CPR. I called Jason. I cried. I screamed "He HAS to be okay! He has been through too much in his life already! He HAS to be okay!!" They were asking me questions & I was trying to answer between sobs and screams. I felt nauseous. I felt sick. I felt despair into the bottom of my stomach.  Jason came. The paramedics came. Jason went with Link in the ambulance & I waited till my sweet friend came to get my two younger daughters. Then I rode with a police officer to the hospital. He drove fast, but not fast enough. I called my mom. She said she had to look at the caller ID to make sure it was really me. I was frantic. We said a prayer on the phone.

When we got to the hospital, Jason met me in the hallway. We went to the room that they were working on my baby, my Link. There were no signs of life. I sobbed. I went to where his body lay & held his tiny hand and the doctor told us that he was gone.

Everything else is kind of a blur. People were there at the hospital - helping, talking, giving hugs & holding hands - our bishop, our friend, Jason’s brother.  An officer put us in a tiny room and asked a bunch of questions. I kept looking at him like he was speaking a foreign language. I was just in such shock.

Eventually we left the hospital and went home. I went into my room & sobbed. My friend brought the girls to our home & we had to tell them that their baby brother had returned home to Heavenly Father. Friends, family, ward members were coming & going - helping with the girls. Cleaning.

That night was the hardest night of my life. Every time I closed my eyes, all I could see was his little blue face. All I could feel was his cold lifeless body. We let the girls sleep in our room. Jason slept on one side of me. Our oldest daughter on the other. We were all so close & they were breathing in and out, in and out. I just felt like they were breathing for me. They were my life support when I felt like I couldn't make myself breathe. Still, even though they were breathing for me, my heart was shattered, and I could not sleep. I tossed & turned. I felt shock and grief in the pit of my stomach that kept coming. Finally, sometime in the middle of the night, I got up & went into Link’s room & grabbed the blanket from his crib. I laid down in the bed next to his crib & just sobbed & sobbed. Oh, how I needed my baby boy in my arms. How I NEEDED him. My prayers were desperation. They were pleading. They were demanding. They were "God - can't you see? Can't you see how badly I NEED him? I need him! Please NO!" They were "Oh God, NO! You have the wrong girl! I CAN'T do this! I CAN'T! Other women can. They are strong. They are courageous  They are faithful. But I can't. Please don't make me!"

After a while, Jason came in there. He laid there & cried with me.

The next few days were full of things that no parent should have to do for their child. And, indeed, my mind would NOT accept that this was happening. We chose pictures, we went to the mortuary and picked out a beautiful tiny casket, we went to the cemetery and chose a plot, we put together a program for the funeral, I put together a slideshow, we dressed my baby boy's body for burial....and all the while my mind is screaming "I am not here. This is not happening. I will wake up. He is fine. He is beautiful. He is healthy."

Words came from my mouth. I blinked. I breathed. I pumped milk for a baby that wouldn't drink. I cried tears constantly.

And in the background were angels seen and unseen. So many amazing people were coming & going. Flowers. Cards. Paintings. Gifts. Food. So much love. I have to admit that at the beginning, I didn't want any of it. I just wanted it to all go away. I wanted it all to disappear & I just wanted my baby boy back in my arms. But I felt the love & support. I felt the prayers.

Most of all, I turned to my husband. He told me everything was going to be okay - even when I was looking at him with tear-swollen eyes and asking "How? HOW can it be all right? How can we do this?"  He is my anchor. He is my rock. He helps me to breathe. To remember. To kneel. To trust.

The day of the funeral was horrible and sweet and surreal. Somehow I got up and got dressed. Somehow the girls got dressed, too. Somehow I got to the church & as a little family, we kissed & talked to Link's body. Somehow I stood there for an hour and a half while people came. They came. From all over. Family. Friends. Loved ones. They hugged me. They told me they were sorry. They told me how beautiful he was. Somehow… somehow I listened as my father gave a prayer. Somehow I tucked my baby boy into a casket of white and watched as they closed the lid – never to see his face in the flesh again until the resurrection. Somehow I sat through a funeral where heartfelt prayers were said, beautiful talks were given, memories were shared, sweet poems were read, powerful songs were sung. Somehow we got to the cemetery and I listened as my sweet husband dedicated the grave. Somehow I stayed there after everyone left with my groom by my side and watched as they put his tiny casket into a vault and placed the lid. Then somehow I left the cemetery and came back to the church and talked some more.

Now... it's been four months since Link died. It still hurts. I know it will continue to hurt, but I cannot disregard the tender mercies - the love letters from heaven -  that have happened in our lives since the passing of our son. Some of them are too sacred to share, but they are real.  This whole experience has tested my faith in the Plan of Salvation, but I can say that I know that I will see my baby boy again. I know he is happy. I know he watches over us. I don’t know why this had to happen – especially with all he went through his first two months of life, butI know my Heavenly Father loves me. At first I wondered how he could do this when he knew how much it would hurt me - and I'm sure I will keep on wondering that - but at the same time, his peace & love have abounded. There was a rainbow on the day of his funeral. The forget-me-not plant that my grandma gave me is blooming like crazy.  I've had some amazing dreams. I've heard some very healing, loving songs. Read and heard some wonderful talks.  The fact that he died on the week of Easter - with General Conference to follow the next weekend - is a complete tender mercy. I wrote this the week that he died:

Empty:

An empty crib.

An empty room.

An empty car seat.

An empty exersacer.

An empty jumper.

An empty Bumbo seat.

An empty swing.

An empty tiny chair.

Empty eyes.

Empty arms.

Empty laps.

Empty hearts.

…..

An Empty Tomb.

I am SO thankful for the resurrection of my Savior. SO THANKFUL! How horrible it would be to think that this was the end for my precious son. How horrible not to have the hope that the resurrection brings!

The Lord has taught me so very much through my son Link in his short turn on earth. The first big lesson was to find joy in the journey.  The Lord repeatedly tried to help me understand through prayer, scripture and song the need for me to submit to His will and not to wait until we got home to enjoy my son – to enjoy the experience – to cherish every minute with him – to praise God’s name – even as our family was torn apart and we didn’t know when we would be together again. I know this lesson is supposed to be applied even after Link’s death. We are still to find joy – even amidst the “furious winds” – for we know that it’s these horrible, difficult trials that will push us along in our journey to the “promised land” - being reunited with our Savior – and our son.

Link’s death has been an extremely difficult trial for every member of our family – from my husband down to our three-year-old – and extended family and friends, we have all felt the aching loss. It really does amaze me how such a tiny person can leave such a huge hole in our hearts and in our family. 

At the same time, this trial has brought us closer as an earthly family and closer to our heavenly family.  It has solidified our knowledge of the plan of salvation, the power of the priesthood, the infinite atonement of our The Savior and the resurrection! We truly know that our son is the “Link” that will hold our family together forever. 

June Newsletter & Slideshow

FAMILY:  June was a busy month. We were able to visit with LOTS of family and friends this month and that was wonderful. On June 4^th, the Circus came to Cedar City! We weren’t sure if we were going to go, but we decided to go as a celebration for finally finishing the Book of Mormon as a family! The circus was great! Clowns, Elephants, adorable dogs doing tricks, tightrope walking, juggling with fire & knives, the balancing chair guy, a quick-change wardrobe show, and plenty of hanging acrobatics  - the girls are still talking about it & can’t wait till they come back! On the 5^th, the Riddles hosted a BBQ & the Corrys were also there. The girls had fun eating, jumping on the trampoline and we all had a great visit. We are so thankful for good friends. On the 7^th, we went to the cemetery to support Kylee Low & her husband. Their son, Clutch, had his 1^st Angelversary. He is buried close to Link and we had a good time eating cupcakes and letting go of balloons for Clutch & Link.  Jason & Heidi were busy moving sand & top soil for the first part of June – it took hundreds of wheelbarrow loads down our steep hill and into our backyard before we were ready for sod, but the 8^th was our big day! The sod was delivered in the morning & we had a few families come help us put it in & within 45 minutes, it was completely finished! We were SO HAPPY! After much watering and waiting, Jason finally let the girls run and play on it & they had SO much fun! We are LOVING having grass back there! Sydney is also in heaven. She runs back and forth and rolls around on it like crazy. She acts like a puppy! Now, we just need to get the stairs & slide from the bottom deck and get our fence put in, so we can really play back there. June 10-14^th, Heidi went to SLC with the girls to see family and friends. The 10^th, we went to Herriman and had a BBQ at the Warrens house. The Matthews and Hooks were there, too, and it was so great to see them and the girls had fun playing and seeing our old home. The 11^th, we went to visit Great Aunt Cindy in the morning, then to IKEA for lunch and shopping, then to Bluffdale to visit some high school friends – Marianne & Gayla. It was so good to see them & visit with them. That night we had movie & hot tub night at the Potts. It was fun! On the 12^th, we went to Wheeler Farm with the Potts, Edwards, and Simons in the morning – Kezia LOVED to feed the cows & horses – and then headed to the new Cottonwood splash park. There were a lot of people, but the girls and their cousins had a great time! That evening, Heidi and Kezia went to meet an angel mom in Sandy – Anna Packard & her daughter, Haylie. Anna’s son, Charlie, died about the same age & in the same way as Link died. He died about a year before Link. It was so great to connect with someone who knows our pain so closely. She brought dinner for me and a beautiful quilt. We hope to get to see her & her cute family again soon! The morning of the 13^th, we went to Trisha’s house & played with bubbles and Aunt Cindy’s rats that she’d brought and we made father’s day cards. We had lunch there, too, and enjoyed visiting. That evening, we headed up to Park City for a get-together with our friends up there – Molly, Shannan, Anna, Erin, & Britany. The moms had fun visiting while the kids had fun playing. It was a bit chilly, so we headed to Molly’s house afterward & had more fun catching up with each other & sharing our blessings, trials & experiences.  We headed for home on the 14^th, but stopped by for a picnic at the park with the Bensons & had a lot of fun. The 16^th was Father’s Day & daddy got to go to a treasure hunt in the morning with clues on little ties. He found a new tie, plates that the girls made for him, a cup-full of M&Ms from the ice maker J, an oil vial, recommend holder, a tie tack, and a picture collage of Link for his work. Also – later he got a big framed picture that had the letters of Daddy with pictures of the kids in each letter. On the 21^st, we got to hang out with the Reeds – Payson had a baseball game. We went to cheer him on and visit with their family. June 22^nd was a very special day. Sedona & Camri watched the cousins while the adults went to the St. George temple to support DeeAnn on her first visit through the temple and to watch her get sealed to her parents. It was a very spiritual time and we knew Link was close – even the pictures have a single ray of light coming down. We are so happy for DeeAnn & the family! After the temple, we went to the Hamiltons for some great food & conversation. The last 2 weeks of June were McKinley & Ireland’s swimming lessons. They did a great job & had a lot of fun! The 27^th was Jason’s birthday & he got his favorite cereal and is going to get a Camp Chef for his birthday. That evening, the girls went to Ranel Sobel’s house & they had a neighborhood outdoor movie night – such fun! – while Jason & Heidi had dinner at Sizzler & then watched a Batman movie at home. It was nice! The last weekend of June, we decided to meet Grandma Tew, Grandma Potts, and the Edwards for the Manti Pageant. We left Friday about noon and dropped our trailer off at Palisades Reservoir (we were thankful to get a spot – mom got us the last one!) and then we went to Manti for a tour of homes that Grandma Tew grew up in or her ancestors built. It was neat to see those old buildings still standing –especially the building that used to be the store that the Barton family owned. After the tour, we had the famous Manti turkey dinner & then met at the temple for the show. It didn’t start till 9:30, so we hung out, visited, and played while we waited. Finally, it began and it was neat. Kezia fell asleep after about an hour. Ireland & McKinley stayed up till the end (about 11:30), but were pretty tired. We headed back to Palisades that evening and the Edwards stayed and played with us at Palisades for a few hours before heading back. We had fun playing in the water, taking naps, eating out at Manti, going fishing (daddy got out in his pontoon & caught about 4 fish), & playing in the playground. We stopped at Grandma Devenish’s for a while on the way back & enjoyed our visit with them, too. Heidi started reading The Chronicles of Narnia to the girls this month & they are loving it. They keep begging for Narnia! We also got to have dinner & FHE at the Bealers the end of June – and we got to have them over for dinner, too. They found out they are having a girl – yay! MIRACLES!: Our bishop – Bishop Keate -  went to the scout camp Jason was at (Jason came back early to be to the temple for his mom) and we got a call late Saturday night that he was missing and search and rescue had been called. Jason immediately went to the bishop’s home and tried to help & give them any information he could give. He came home close to midnight & we said some VERY fervent prayers. Finally, about 3am, we got word that he was found and walking out of the canyon by himself. We were SO thankful! He didn’t even get home till about 5:30, but was at church the next day! MIRACLE! The next day our friends, the Hoffman’s little boy (Eli), drank a bunch of his sister’s muscle relaxant medicine and had to be life-flighted to Primary Children’s Hospital. It was very scary for a while – he was unresponsive and was not breathing well. Again, many MANY fervent prayers were offered for their sweet family & he was able to go home in a couple days. We are SO thankful he is okay as well!

JASON: Between getting the backyard put in, fixing things around the house, work, and scouts, Jason has been SUPER busy this month. The morning of the 20^th, he headed to scout camp at Kolob Reservoir and he got home late on the 21^st. They went on a long hike and Jason was able to go fishing, so he had a good time. He was happy to see the sprinkler system he worked on so hard doing its job and see his grass getting greener & taller. He also worked on the upper deck – getting it ripped up so we could get it refinished.  Getting to see his mom go through the temple was an awesome experience for Jason. He felt Link and the spirit very close.

 HEIDI: Heidi still feels like she’s living in a fog of grief, but it’s getting a little better. She’s still running with Krista Corry & LuAnn Keate & that has been good. She read Beauty – a retelling of Beauty & the Beast – by Robin McKinley this month. It was a fun read. She was thankful she got to take that trip to SLC and see her good family and also visit with so many wonderful, amazing friends. They truly buoyed her up and gave her strength and love. For the most part, she is loving being home with the girls. She loves the more relaxed mornings as schedules and she’s loving to try new things and have fun with them. It’s also nice because they’re more consistent with chores & they help with meals. For a week straight in June, she spent probably 6 hours a day working on Ireland’s birthday book. It is certainly not as fun and fancy as her other birthday books, but at least it’s done! She’s praying it will get here by Ireland’s birthday. On the 27^th, Heidi was able to get together with the SHARE women here in Cedar and help with making outfits for stillborn babies. It was great to do service and visit. McKinley even helped!  

McKINLEY:

-The 6^th was McKinley’s lemonade stand that she’s been begging mom for. She and Olivia Price spent about 3 and a half hours in the driveway selling lemonade and cookies. She said it was boring, but they did earn about 32 dollars all together & split it between them. They did have fun dancing to the music and waving at all the cars.

-One day mom noticed that down the street at the assisted living center, they were having an old car show – like the ones that you have to crank in the front to get started. Mom told McKinley to come see from the back deck. She saw them & said “were those the cars they had when you were young?” Mom said “yeah, right! I’m not THAT old! Those were the cars they had when GG was a baby!” McKinley looked at mom with wide eyes and said “They had CARS when GG was a baby?”

-McKinley had fun at her swimming lessons. She learned to swim the freestyle stroke better and also learned how to do the backstroke and diving from her knee. Her teacher said she’s ready for level 4!

-McKinley has been creative this summer – she’s tried embroidery, balloon animal-making, treasure hunt-making, card-making, food-making, etc. She’s also been over at her friend’s house – Lindsay Brown – for some swim parties.

-Mom asked what her favorite part of our trip to Salt Lake was & she said getting to be with her cousins and go to the splash park.

-McKinley wrote out a story to the Friend Magazine about Link. It’s very great & she talks about staying with her grandma and having her name over the loudspeaker at school the day he died. She’s working on typing it up to send to the Friend.

-McKinley says “I like to go swimming and I had swimming lessons – oh, and I can’t wait until I’m 8!”

IRELAND:

-Irleand’s been having a really hard time lately with dresses on Sunday. She doesn’t want ANY of her dresses. She either wants McKinley’s purple dress (that’s WAY too big for her) or Kezia’s funeral dress (which is too small). She has about 10 dresses, but doesn’t want them. We’ve been late to church about 3 times because of her dress tantrums.

-Ireland & Kezia still LOVE to play My Little Pony upstairs – and watch it on Netflix.

-Ireland has REALLY had a case of the “NO FAIR!”s lately. She has to compare herself with everyone around her and she is constanltly complaining that someone else has something or gets to do something that she doesn’t get to have or do. We are really trying to get her to see all that she has and be content.

-When we were in SLC, we passed by IKEA and Ireland said with a sigh “I wish we could live in IKEA.” J Don’t we all, Ireland. Don’t we all.

-When we were in SL, Grandpa Potts was watching The Mummy. Ireland was supposed to be in her room asleep, but she came out and watched the movie from the hall. After that, for almost THREE WEEKS, she was terrified. She wouldn’t go to sleep on her own. When she finally did get to sleep, she would wake up after an hour or two, crawl into bed with mommy, shaking and whimpering, and would STILL not fall back asleep for hours. It was pretty rough for everyone involved. We tried having her listen to primary songs. Having her draw the scary mummy with silly things on it. Praying with her. A priesthood blessing. Finally, after a few weeks, she seemed to calm down a bit. That will be the last time for a LONG time that she watches a scary movie.

-One day, Ireland put on a new dress, came to mommy and said “I’m planning a good-bye party for Link.” We all proceeded to get dressed nicely and we went in Link’s room. We all sat quietly and Ireland said we could each say something to him, so we each talked to him about how we miss his chubby cheeks and we can’t wait to see him again. It was sweet.

-Ireland was looking around – trying to find her scooter. She came in the kitchen where mom was & proclaimed “I am BRILLIANT!” Apparently, she found her scooter.

-Ireland had a great time in her swimming lessons. She learned how to do the front stroke, bob in the deep water, and roll.

-Ireland took a couple Walmart cards at the Walmart in Ephraim when we were there. We didn’t find out till later, so she had to go and return them to our Cedar Walmart. We took them to customer service and she was scared, but she apologized. We hope that she won’t make that choice again.

-One day Ireland decided to get creative & make a kite! She cut out the diamond on the paper, taped the string to it & even got it to fly for a few seconds!

-We are so proud of Ireland for saving up her penny points. She wanted some princess work gloves, but they were $6. We told her that was six HUNDRED penny points. Every day she would ask if she had earned enough yet. It took about two months – and some self-discipline because her sisters were using their penny points for things like candy – but she finally earned them! She was so happy she wouldn’t take them off for about two days.

KEZIA

-Kezia is probably the family member that talks the most about Link. She still finds clothes for him at the store. She tells people about her brother. She draws pictures for him and says “I’m sending this picture to Link, mommy.” She also said she had a dream where she got to see Link and he went fishing with Jesus Christ. (she never just says “Jesus” – she always says “Jesus Christ”).

-Kezia has really taken to our neighbor, Mahina, who is Ireland’s age. She prays for her constantly that she will get to come play. And one Primary Day when asked how she knows that Jesus loves her, she replied “Because of Mahina who lives by us.”

-Kezia got into Ireland’s play make up one day & put the eyeshadow all over her. She came to mom & said “I think dad’s gonna like my rockstar knees!” (they were blue)

-One day, mom asked Kezia to throw away some pull-ups that were on her floor. She said “But mom – there’s nothing in there!... well… maybe there’s probably some toots in there still.”

-One day when Ireland was using a grouchy, mean voice to Kezia, she came to mom & tattled “MOM! Ireland sounds like Lehi & Lemuel!”

-The Bealers were over one day and the girls were putting on a fashion show – changing clothes & coming out with dresses to show them off. Kezia didn’t want Jaxon to feel left out. She said “Jaxon – come put on a dress!” Jaxon said “I’m a BOY!” Kezia said “Yeah, well, we’ll find a boy dress for you! Let’s go look in my daddy’s closet!”

-Kezia was really good while her sisters did swim lessons. Mom was worried she would be sad, but she was pretty content just to play games on the Kindle.

-At the Manti Pageant, we saw some people dressed as Lamanites with big feather headdresses. Kezia said “Look mom! His hat is static-y, right?”

-She sometimes has a hard time going to sleep at night. One night, she came in mom & dad’s room about 10:30pm and said “I can’t go to sleep. My closet is ignoring me!”

LINK:

You are still so very much a part of our family, baby boy. Even if people can’t see you, there are still six members of our family. We know you watch over us. We knew you were there as the “Link” in Grandma Devenish’s family chain came together on June 22^nd. Thank you for being there. Thank you for shining your ray of light down on us from above. We FINALLY got your headstone ordered. I wanted the sides polished, so it is going to take longer. I am praying it will be here for SURE by your birthday. You can read in your sisters’ sections how each of them have thought of you this past month – McKinley wrote a story about you for the Friend. Ireland threw a goodbye party for you. Kezia dreamt about you and is still finding cute clothes for you at the store. Dad felt your presence strongly at the temple. Mom knew you were there, too. Please keep sending butterflies, warm breezes that tickle our cheeks, rays of light, and most of all the peace to know you are happy and well. We miss you so much, our baby boy. We love you. 

Difficult week... Amazing Day... and a Single Ray of Light

I'll admit this past week was rough for me. A part of it was that I wasn't counting on the fact that (almost) every mom around me at the girls' swimming lessons has a baby in their arms. And one of the babies looks a lot like Link - about the same age, cute chubby cheeks. She sits by me and kisses his cheeks talks to him and nurses him.  I told some friends I feel like a STARVED woman sitting in a room full of people eating to their hearts' content. I know they don't know my heartache. I have nothing against them or their adorable babies. It's just HARD. Period. It makes me realize, though, how many times in the past I may have "flaunted" my baby and been the cause of someone else's pain. Definitely opens your eyes.
Another difficulty is that I was working on Ireland's birthday book ALL week. Butt glued to my computer chair for hours on end - furiously digitally scrapbooking away so that I could get it done, ordered,  and hopefully here by (or close to) her birthday. Again, I wasn't anticipating how hard it would be to go through all the pictures from the past year. To see my belly grow. To see the pictures of Ireland meeting her baby brother. To see all the precious moments they shared. And then to have to go through the funeral pictures again. I kept a box of tissues by my computer and used quite a few just trying to get that book done.

But today... today was a beautiful day. It was just what I needed after a week  of tears and hunger and longing and misery. Today, a beautiful miracle happened. I got to go with my husband's family to the St. George Temple to support Jason's mom for her first time through the temple. What an amazing, precious day it was! From the moment that she told me she was going through the temple and she had set a date, I told Jason I KNEW Link was a part of this miracle and I KNEW he was going to be there. I can't express how much joy & anticipation that brought me.

And today finally arrived. It was a nice (yes - and warm!) day in St. George. I am so thankful that we have older nieces that watched our little girls while we spent some precious time in the Lord's House. The tears fell freely there as I watched Jason's wonderful family come together to support DeeAnn. I have never had such a strong testimony of the importance of eternal families as I have since my son died - and today my heart just swelled with that sweet knowledge & I just felt SO blessed to witness it. DeeAnn was sealed to her parents  (in a sealing room that has some sacred significance to Jason and I) and I almost sobbed as I felt that "Link" in the family chain come together. I know Link was there. I know he had a hand in it.  I LOVE HIM! And I'm so proud of the work he is doing on the other side. And I know HE is so proud of his sweet grandma.

Here are a few pictures. After I took them and was going through them all on the camera, I began noticing that the vertical full temple pictures all have a single beam of light shining down from the upper left side. It's not just in one picture. It's in ALL of them. Even the 2nd set that I took about 15 minutes after the first set.  Now... I have to tell you there have been a few times where there has been a spot of light that we can't figure out the source. One time we were eating & there was a spot of light right above where Ireland was sitting. I looked all over to see where it was coming from & never could. I haven't seen it since. I don't know if the beam of light today was a love note from our son (and many rejoicing loved ones) or not - but I choose to believe it was.

Congratulations DeeAnn. Love you.

Grief University

On March 26, 2013, I was enrolled in a system of higher education. 
It was neither voluntary nor temporary.

I've taken day or weekend classes here at Grief University before - failed relationships, two heartbreaking miscarriages, the death of an uncle, grandparents, a great friend, a precious aunt. But after losing my child, it's permanent. I am here for the long haul. 

I am new to this kind of learning. I'm definitely a freshman here. There are so many things I don't know. I have so much to study. Books to read.  A whole language that I'm just learning. Everyone enrolled here learns something.  However, because we each have different kinds of loss, different personal histories & experiences,  it's not always the same thing. So - here's some of the things I have learned in the almost 3 months since I've been permanently enrolled: 

- Timeline myth. No one puts a limit on the amount of JOY you have when your child is born. How can you put a limit on the amount of GRIEF you have when your child dies? Every time I am reminded of the missing joy in our lives, I feel a deep sting of that grief. Every time I see a baby boy Link's age, doing the things Link would be doing,  I feel it.  You look at my grandmother, who lost her 7-year-old son almost FIFTY years ago, and still cries when she talks about him -  you talk to her and then you tell me that grief has an end in this life. Here is a quote shared from a couple of friends who have lost children:

Grief is not linear. People kept telling me that once this happened or that passed, everything would be better. Some people gave me one year to grieve. They saw grief as a straight line, with a beginning, middle, and end. But it is not linear. It is disjointed. One day you are acting almost like a normal person. You may even manage to take a shower. Your clothes match. You think the autumn leaves look pretty, or enjoy the sound of snow crunching under your feet.Then a song, a glimpse of something, or maybe even nothing sends you back into the hole of grief. It is not one step forward, two steps back. It is a jumble. It is hours that are all right, and weeks that aren't. Or it is good days and bad days. Or it is the weight of sadness making you look different to others and nothing helps. Not haircuts or manicures or the Atkins Diet....Grief doesn't have a plot. It isn't smooth. There is no beginning and middle and end. -Ann Hood

Another quote I love & identify with (from Mitchell's journey):

There are many well-meaning people, as if to throw an emotional lifeline, who try to remind us life is but a “speck” in the eternal scheme of things. Or that they’re sorry for our “temporary loss” as if the wave of a hand and a simple utterance will assuage our sorrow. And while I understand the eternal nature of the soul – being mortal, life is the longest thing I know. The years ahead seem to stretch out into infinity and seem so very long without my son. I miss him terribly.

-Guilt and Grief are no respecters of time. People tell me to let go of the "what ifs" - and I do strive for that, but it is harder than you could ever image. The feelings of guilt attack me at any time of the day or night. I could be sweeping the floor or trying to get the girls to bed & the thoughts will come "what if I would have not swaddled his arms? He would not have rolled and he'd still be here!" "what if I would have checked on him 5, 10, 15 minutes earlier? He would probably still be alive!" - and on and on.  I know that these thoughts do not accomplish anything. I know they aren't really healthy. But I will also tell you that they are HARD to control. Grief is the same way. Washing Dishes. Sitting at church. Getting the girls out to the car to go someplace. Driving. It doesn't matter where - sometimes my mind goes back to that day and the same all-consuming shock, despair, incomprehension and sickness overtake me. And I am left helpless & dysfunctional. I do not understand why it happened any more today than I did on that day. 

-Outward way to show inner grieving. Some days I wish we lived in a culture where for a period of time we had some sort of outward display to show that someone very precious to us had died. A black shawl over the face. A special pin. I don't know.  It was - and still is - hard to be around people that don't know that I've lost a child. The light-hearted laughter. The joking and talking of trivial things. Especially in the first days, it was almost oppressive. It would also be nice to have that outward display, just so people could have an understanding of why you might be short with them - or not be able to remember something - or cry at seemingly anything - or be unreasonably angry at something small. And it might help them refrain from judging when you walk around town without makeup with three little girls who don't have their hair brushed. Also, as I have met more and more angel moms, I realize how many people around me on any given day may be going through deep grieving and I may have been insensitive to them and what they are going through.  

-Mourning Brain. The inability to process or remember things. It is at least TEN times more severe than pregnancy or new-mom brain. It's worse in the first days and weeks, but I still struggle with it. This was definitely something new that I've learned since I've been enrolled here. I had no idea how all-encompassing grief was - not only to your body, but to your brain. It was (and sometimes is) just SO difficult to make any sort of decisions through this thick fog of grief. To remember things. That's why it's seriously amazing to me how many decisions the bereaved are expected to make in such a short period of time. Choosing a casket? Picking out a plot? Putting together a slideshow or program? It was ALL I could do to push through that fog and make a decision about anything. There were many times I just couldn't do it & waved my hand & said "whatever you think is best." 

-Different Person.  I love the quote “The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new.” How very true. And it is the same way for losing a child. Just as I changed and became a new person the minute my first child was born, I changed and became a new person the minute my last child died. I am not the same person that I was on March 25th. I am now a bereaved mother. I live in a different world. In this world, your children can and DO die. In this world, anxiety and fear about losing another child can take over your thoughts and actions. In this world, your innocence is gone. You don't laugh at the same jokes. You don't listen to the same song in the same way - everything has a different context. In this world, things that might have brought you joy, now bring you pain.

-NEED to talk about him & hear his name! Probably the most surprising thing I've learned since I've been enrolled is the absolute NEED to talk about Link and hear his name! I have had friends that have lost children and I always assumed that bringing up the person that died would bring them more pain and heartache, so I would avoid it, but OH - how wrong I was! And I am so sorry to every person I know that has lost someone dear to them & I didn't talk about them! I don't think it's the same for everyone, but for ME, it's the NOT talking about Link that brings me pain. I LOVE to talk about him! I want to tell you about his bright blue eyes. I want to tell you about his hospital journey. I want to tell you how he laughed and smiled and brought more joy into this family than I thought was possible. If you come to my home, I want to show you his book, show you our "Link wall" and share some favorite memories. I even need to tell you about how Link died. I know - so strange that I should want to talk about it - but I do! It's all been a part of his journey. And his name.  I said this on Facebook, but I'll add it again here: "When we keep the names of our children silent they die a second death." -Mitch Carmody. I have so much gratitude to all of you who continue to use Link's name! When I hear my son's name, it's like sweet, precious food to this starving mother's soul. Hearing his name. Talking about him. It validates his existence here on the earth and brings joy to me. 

-Sleeping is not peaceful. In general, I think it's true that most people who have lost a precious person to them - especially a child - do not find sleep peaceful. There might be bad dreams. Or tossing & turning. Or just that the deep, blissful sleep you once knew is gone. But on a more personal level, it has become something terrifying for me. Finding Link dead after he was supposed to be sleeping has been the most traumatic experience of my life. And now, I do not see my sleeping children as a sweet, blissful, thankful time anymore. My heart pounds and I dread going to wake them up after a nap or in the morning. I see them in bed & no longer do I smile and just cherish the moment. Instead, with panic in my heart, I come close and check the color of their face. I feel their cheeks to see if they're still warm. I watch the rise and fall of their chests to make sure that they still have the breath of life. My brother sent me a text the other day of Kezia sleeping. Instead of thinking how sweet it was, it brought fear into my heart. Is she okay? was all I could think of. Because... in my world... your children can go to sleep and never wake up. 


-The Glass.  I know this is going to be a lifetime struggle - and right now I think I'm focusing more on the glass half empty. I'm focusing more on the time I DIDN'T get to have with him rather than being thankful for the time I DID get with him. That fluctuates. But I hope one day, I will consistently see that glass half full and my heart will swell with gratitude just that I got to carry him, deliver him, kiss him, spend precious time with him and even see a few milestones before he left us. I will be grateful that he came to our family and changed us forever and motivated us to be better people. One day, instead of staring at that mom holding that baby boy with longing and ache in my heart, I will focus more on the three beautiful daughters beside me and my heart will be full. 

-GOOD People. Some people here have been enrolled for a LONG time - like my Grandma. I'm sure she has earned her doctorate degree many times over - though I don't think any of us really "graduate" until we die ourselves. Sometimes I feel like this university is on the other side of the world. On March 26th,  I felt like someone plucked me up and set me down in Siberia and said "Okay - now you need to survive." But I did not know anything about that country. I didn't know the language. I didn't know where to find food. I didn't know how to survive. How thankful I am for people who have been here and have held my hand and showed me how to survive in this world. Lena, Robyn, Gayla, Molly, Anna, Andrea, my grandma, the ladies in the SHARE group here - just to name a few. As we have gone to the temple and prayed & fasted, I have thought much about Eve. She was the first woman on the earth to lose a child. A son. And in such a horrible way. There was no one there who had been through it before to hold her hand and teach her how to walk and breathe and survive through this grief. I am forever thankful for the women who have, with sadness and love in their hearts, welcomed me to this dreaded club. I am also so thankful for the people who really try to understand what it's like over here - true sympathy. One of those amazing people is my sister, Cindy. She has not let a day go by without calling or texing & asking "how are you feeling right now?" "how is your heart?" She asks me specific questions about what I'm going through & I truly feel her love and concern for me. 


This is only a tiny part of what I continue to learn. I feel myself growing in ways I had never imagined. It's a little ironic, but I compare this process to natural childbirth. It's stretching. It's so very, very painful. And there comes a point where I scream "I CAN'T DO THIS!" over and over. And - in every fiber of my being - I truly believe that I can't do it. That I've expended every molecule of energy that I have. That I will die if I have to endure one second more. But, just like my midwife, the Lord knows my abilities more than I do myself.  And at the end of the labor process, you hold your baby and you realize that something good came from all that pain. I don't get to hold my baby, but I hope that one day I will hold this precious knowledge, this growth in my heart and I will know that something good did indeed come from all this pain & anguish. 

May Newsletter and Slideshow

FAMILY:  May was spent mostly just getting through that last month of school for the girls and trying to get used to our new “normal” without Link. On the 1^st, Heidi went to St. George to meet with the monument company down there about Link’s headstone. Afterwards, we headed to the splash park with Daken, but it was pretty chilly – the wind was blowing & the girls didn’t stay for more than an hour. The 2^nd was McKinley’s 1^st grade program at school & we all came to see her. She did so great – she was beautiful and smiled so sweet. The songs were cute & she even played a glocenschpel (sp?) – like a xylophone. Afterwards, daddy took her out to eat and to his work. On the 3^rd, Heidi took the girls out of school and we headed to Fredonia, where the Barons live. They moved to Missouri shortly after, so it was nice to spend some fun time with them. The drive was beautiful and the girls had a terrific time with Lena’s boys – doing the zipline, playing in the sprinklers on the tramp, eating popsicles, and making a HUGE mud mess in their yard! They had so much fun. We are sad they moved so far away, but thankful for technology. On the 4^th, we had Greg Riddle, Adam Bealer, Mark Corry, and Ryan Gregerson come by & help Jason dig trenches for our sprinkler system in the backyard. The Bealer kids played here while the daddys worked & they got a lot done. The 12^th was Jason & Heidi’s 13^th anniversary. The Corrys were so good to take the girls overnight, so we could go out to dinner at Rusty’s, watch a Redbox movie, read more of our afterlife book, and sleep in! It was a short “staycation,” but really nice. Mother’s Day was on Sunday & mom was spoiled with waffles in bed, a candy bar poster, and cute gifts from the girls and from Jason. We are so thankful for all their help. On the 14^th, we headed over to the new Main Street Park. We’ve been a few more times since then – the girls love it! Tons of swings, a merry-go-round, and a GIGANTIC slide make for some great fun. On the 18^th, we headed to St. George & the girls hung out at the Hamiltons while mom & dad went to the temple and out to eat at Iceburg afterwards. Ireland’s Kindergarten program was on the 21^st and she was really cute. We think she was a bit nervous, though – she kept yawning. It was fun to see her with her friends that day. She did a great job – and dad took her out afterwards, too. The 24^th was the last day of school for the girls – they were so excited. We got to pack up and head to Mapleton that day for Memorial Weekend. The girls had a lot of fun with their cousins – hiking, making s’mores, riding horses. We also went and visited the graves of Grandpa Tew, Mary Tew, & Bart Tew. The weather was better than it’s been in years! Unfortunately, Heidi had strep throat and was out of it for most of the time, but she was still glad to see her family and let the girls play. Memorial Day, we got home, unpacked, got cleaned up & headed to Link’s grave and then to the Bealers for a BBQ. We got yummy food & got to watch the kids play t-ball afterwards & then did some sparklers. We had a great time. A lot of May was spent getting the backyard prepped for grass. It ended up being QUITE a bit more time and money than we anticipated, but we’re hoping the girls will be able to play back there by next month. Since school is out, we’ve decided on a flexible schedule for the week: Move-it Monday (exercising – hiking,riding bikes, swimming, running, etc), Try-it Tuesday (we pick something from Pinterest to try out), Wanna Wednesday (we stay at home more & do things we want to do), Think Thursday (work on school goals for the summer – multiplication tables, spelling, etc), & Field Trip Friday (going to new places around Cedar).  MIRACLE: We had an external hard drive that crashed a couple weeks before Link died. We finally got around to trying to get the data out. We even took it to Best Buy & they told us it would be a minimum of $250 – max of $1800. We found a video on youtube & Trisha helped look up some options. In the end, we ordered a control card for $30 that WORKED! There were precious videos of Link on that External Hard drive that would have been lost forever. Such a blessing! Such a miracle!

JASON:  Jason has eased back into work after losing his baby boy. Everyone has been kind to him and that’s helped a lot. He spent most extra “moment” in May in the backyard or basement, trying to get the water system to work and every thing ready in the backyard for getting grass. He’s put a lot of sweat into that backyard. He continues to enjoy scouts.  Greg Riddle took him dirt bike-riding and he really enjoyed that.

 HEIDI: Heidi’s grief journey is still very much day-to-day. There are days where she feels very functional and fine – and there are days that she still seems to drown in her grief. One of those days was May 7^th – the day that Link would have been 6 months old. Many tears. She continues to work through her grief with writing, running, and talking about her son. She learned about a SHARE group in Cedar that is a support group for miscarriage and infant loss. It was neat to connect with some amazing ladies and hear their stories and share her story. They do a lot of good in the hospital here & she hopes to get involved there. On the 16^th, Heidi went to a “summer activity ideas” relief society activity. It was neat to get some good ideas & visit for a while. On the 18^th, Heidi went and ran the Children’s Justice Center Quarter Marathon & got 2^nd in her age group. Memorial Weekend was not so fun having strep throat & having to spend 3 hours in Springville to go to the Instacare and get some meds, but she was thankful to be feeling better by the day they left. And she hopes this is her strep throat for the year! She FINALLY finished Mansfield Park and started reading A Town Like Alice. Tender mercies continue to abound: On Link’s 6-month birthday, she got a beautiful necklace in the mail, whom she later found out was from a friend of her sisters. It was so very sweet of her and says LINKIN DALLIN HAMILTON with angel footprints and his birthstone & deathstone. It is beautiful. Also on Link’s 6-month birthday, her friend Lisa Anderson brought her a white rose and watched her kids. It was so sweet. Ruthann Hook also sent a sweet package via her sister – it was a beautiful locket with a picture of the SL temple and “Our Family is Forever,” along with little beads that had our family birthstones on it – she also sent beautiful angel necklaces for the girls. In addition, we got a framed stick-figure stitch of our whole family from our bishop’s wife. And Connie Weaver, a lady that Heidi visit teaches, gave us a beautiful hand-stitched pillow that says “Be Still, and know that I am God and I am with you.” So many beautiful, thoughtful gifts. So much love.

McKINLEY:

-Mom asked McKinley one day if she ever talked about Link at school with her friends. She said “Well…no…cuz, you know, there’s all that math stuff that’s in my mind.”

-McKinley’s school program was on June 5^th. It was so great to see her up there smiling and doing her best to sing the words. She sat by her “crush” – Joseph – in the program J

-McKinley did wonderful in school this year & Mrs. Robb called me personally to tell me how thankful she was to have McKinley in her class. She brought home some beautiful projects at the end of the year and she brought home a wonderful binder full of great memories from the year. The last week she had fun going on field trips (to the Ladybug Nursery, the library, and Discover Park), having a field day where they played games outside, and having a reading celebration with the school that included getting to watch a movie and seeing her principal kiss a guinea pig.

-We got some grief workbooks for the girls and McKinley has done such a good job with hers. She’s drawn pictures of Link & written about how much she loves him and misses him.

-After some talking & praying, we decided to go ahead & let McKinley sleep in the bed in Link’s room. All the girls have slept MUCH better since that arrangement! And McKinley is good about being quiet and reading books or writing in her diary before she sleeps.

- McKinley and dad have been reading Because of Winn Dixie – they’re almost done!

-McKinley had some fun play dates with Addison, Chloe, and Lindsay Brown. They had fun singing, playing, or doing the Easy Bake Oven that Camri gave McKinley. She actually made some really yummy mini cakes in her Easy Bake Oven.

-McKinley has been a big helper with the backyard. She has come helped us dig and pat down sand and bring us water, etc.

-McKinley says “I am excited for the summer. Cuz then school’s out and we get to play with our cousins sometimes. Cuz I get to be at home more. We’re going to have a lemonade stand!”  

IRELAND:

-Ireland still had quite a few angry episodes in May. One of the worst was when she dumped a BUNCH of water out of the bathtub and it leaked into the basement. She also had a HUGE tantrum in Link’s room – including having accidents in there. We are trying to help her work through her anger. Her school counsoler, Jill Bassett, worked with her on a book where she could color & draw out her thoughts & feelings. It was a great book & we learned a lot about how she’s dealing with losing her baby brother.  Her tantrums seem to be getting better & she’s able to deal with her feelings without completely having a meltdown.

-At the beginning of May, for some reason, she decided to rub her nose on the carpet again (she did the same thing last year in our other home) and it left a huge scrape on her nose and scabbed over.

-Ireland’s end-of-school program was so cute and we got to take a picture with some of her favorite friends – Isabella Daniel, Jenna Davies, Shaylee Johnson, and Emi Schoppman.

-Ireland got to be the star of the week in the middle of May. We had fun doing a poster with all the things she likes, sending a favorite book, a favorite toy, treats, and also filling out an “about me” page.

-One day, Ireland wanted to speak in accents. We talked like English people and then she wanted to talk like an Irish person, so we looked it up on youtube & tried to speak in Irish accents. A crow flew by and Irealnd squawked and said “Am I speaking Irish crow talk?”

-We went to playgroup at the park one day & Ireland was having so much fun playing, she didn’t want to leave. Mom said it was time to go & Ireland (sitting at the top of the play structure with her arms folded) looked down at mom & said “I am NOT AVAILABLE.”

-Ireland seems to have really taken to the marble ball game (perplexus) that McKinley got from Christmas. She will sit for quite a while trying to get the little ball all around the maze. She’s good, too! One day she made it to 100!

-Mom & Ireland have been reading Junie B. Jones (Camri let us borrow some of her books). We get some good laughs from all Junie B.’s crazy antics!

KEZIA

-Kezia earned enough date points & got to go with mom out for lunch at McDonald’s. They had a great time.

-Kezia still talks about Link all the time. When she sees cute shoes at Walmart, she picks them up and says “we can get these for Link when he comes back!”When we used the restroom at the church, she saw the changing table and said “this is where we’ll change Link’s diaper when he comes back!” She likes to tell friends and strangers about her baby brother that died – and she likes to tell them about his cute cheeks. She ALWAYS wants to hear Link’s bedtime song after hers.

-One day mom found 3 bottles of cake decorating sprinkles in Kezia’s PJ drawer.

-All the girls, but especially, Kezia has been saying a LOT “that’s boring!”

-Kezia’s favorite color USED to be yellow, but now she says she’s changed it to blue. (just like daddy & McKInley)

-One day mom was looking online at some outdoor play things. There were some huge swing sets & Kezia said she wanted one of the most expensive ones. Mom said “They are way too much money.” Kezia replied “But I have lots of too much money.”

-We saw a trampoline one day when we were driving in the car & Kezi said she wanted one. Mom said that we already had a little trampoline in the basement. Kezi said “Yeah… I want it to grow up.”

-Kezia is still obsessed with My Little Pony and Super Mario Galaxy. She says she wants a Super Mario Galaxy cake for her next birthday.

-We were on our way home after playing at the new main street park. It was late & mom told the girls that when they got home, they needed to go right to sleep. Kezia said “But sleep is hard.”

-As the girls were getting dressed one day, mom heard Kezia tell her sister “I’m wearing size MINE!”

-One day Kezi entered the bathroom that mom was using.  She said “Eeeew! It stinks! I’ll go get some deodorant so it won’t make you stink.” And she proceeded to bring mom some deodorant.

-Kezia seems to be our child that LOVES animals. She is an amazing chicken catcher and she just CAN’T stay away from Aunt Cindy’s rats when we visit.

-In Primary every Sunday, the presidency walks around with a jar. They say “I know Heavenly Father loves me because…” and the children each say something. One Sunday in May, Kezia said “I know Heavenly Father loves me because… he gives me macaroni and cheese!” That same Sunday, one of the leaders was doing an object lesson. She had some red “juice” and wanted the kids to taste some. The teachers all told the children to say “NO” – but no matter how Kezia’s teacher told her to say NO – she still wanted to taste that “juice” – so she stuck out her tongue. It ended up being red-colored salt water. Yuck!

-Kezia is growing up so fast right before our eyes – she’s learned how to pump herself on the swing without any help and is now buckling her car sear all by herself!

-One day mom looked back in the van & saw a glimpse of the shirt that was Kezia’s shirt that used to be Ireland’s shirt that used to be McKinley’s shirt. My, how time flies.

-Kezia seems to like to play with older girls – even when there are girls her age. She LOVES playing with Camri Corry and Camri Hamilton and whenever we go to the Bealers, she wants Addison home.

-One day at the playground, Kezia was getting too close to someone swinging & a lady moved her over & said “Watch out baby!” Kezia just sat down and screamed & sobbed. Mom came over & asked what was wrong. Kezi said “She called me BABY!”

LINK:

We miss your blue eyes, your chubby cheeks and your impossibly adorable smiles & laughs every single day, our baby boy. Mom can be seen often kissing her finger & putting it to your picture. You would have been 6 months on the 7^th of this month… and that was a hard day for mom. Adam Bealer dropped by and brought blue balloons. We each wrote a note to you and attached it to the balloons and sent them up to you. Also – we watched your slideshow and we cried… It’s been two full months since you died and we’re getting by, but you are in our thoughts all the time, Link. We talk about you constantly. Wondering what you’d be doing by now. Wondering if you would like eating certain things. Your sisters are taking turns sleeping in your room. I think it helps them to feel closer to you. Mom & dad continue to read the after-life book to try and get an idea of what it’s like where you are. We know you are watching over us – and along with Grandpa Tew (and many others) are working hard as a missionary.

Much of this month was spent trying to finalize your headstone. We hope you will like it and it will have meaning for you – as it does for us. We went to your grave on Memorial Day and it was neat to be there – but we think we will enjoy it more once the headstone is in. Mom & Dad felt your presence in the temple when they went this month. Mom has had a few precious dreams where she actually gets to kiss your adorable cheeks and there is almost nothing sweeter & more comforting for her in the whole world. She’s still working to collect all the pictures, videos, and memories from everyone so that we can have a book for your birthday.

You continue to touch so many hearts, Link. We love you. We miss you.