Funeral - Linkin Dallin Hamilton - March 30, 2013

I've finally gone through the pictures from Link's funeral & uploaded them. I know it seems like there are a LOT. There are - and these are only probably 20% of all the pictures. I apologize, too, because I don't think they are in order, but I tried. 

The day was really a blur to me. The poem "Footprints" really means more to me now. This was definitely a day where He carried me. 

There are so many things about that day that I can't remember - I still was in shock that it was really happening. But there are a few things about that day that stand out to me and I hold in my heart. The first was the love and care of family in preparing us for this horrific day. They helped care for me, my daughters, and my home. When we got to the church, some of the first people I remember seeing were Jason's family from Texas - his dad, his cousin, his aunt. Bless their hearts for coming so far & being there for us.  Also -  seeing the displays that my beautiful, loving sisters and cousin had worked so hard to put together - touched my heart. Pictures of him. Flowers. His favorite toys. Blankets. Shoes. So lovingly and beautifully put together. 

Then, as a little family, we walked into the room where our sweet son and brother lay. We had talked to the girls the night before about how the room would look and where Link's body would be. The girls were curious. They touched him. They were reverent and quiet. We said one last family prayer with our baby boy there. We prayed that Link would be with us. That our Savior would support us. That we would be able to get through the day. 

Then came the hugs. Oh... the sweet, sweet loving hugs and words of comfort and love from so many people. So many of YOU! It was so humbling and amazing to feel your love. Though, it was hard to stand there. You can probably see from the pictures how heavy my heart was and how often I had to turn to my sweetheart for physical and spiritual support. I know this sounds funny, but a part of my brain registered multiple similarities from our wedding day. Lots of pictures, a video playing in the background, a book to sign, a line with hugs from loved ones who have come far and wide, flowers everywhere. Except this was some horrific parallel universe. Instead of pictures of the happy couple... there was pictures of my baby boy who was dead. Instead of a video playing happy love songs, it was playing heartbreaking, melancholy songs. Instead of tears of happiness and hope, everyone was crying tears of sadness, of missing this precious son, brother, cousin, nephew, grandson, friend, etc. And instead of a line full of joyful family, our line included only us and a tiny casket holding the body of our baby. 

Tucking my son into his casket and watching as they closed it was one of the most difficult moments of my life. 

The funeral was as sweet and loving as it could be. I have to tell you that the first song we sang - Nearer My God to Thee - was a moment of perfect clarity amid the chaos in my mind and heart. Hearing so many friends, neighbors, family, loved ones, singing that song was so powerful. I FELT your love through that song. We were in the front row and it was like a wave of love that overtook me. I could not sing a note - I felt your love so powerfully. The talks were wonderful. I am so glad I have a CD of them. They're on my phone now & I listen to them as I clean - or when I am questioning or hurting or angry or feeling guilty. The stake president from our last stake spoke - it was such a personal, loving talk.  Our wonderful bishop talked. Jason was somehow able to share some precious memories and scriptures. The cousins sang "I am a Child of God." It was so sweet.  My friend, Diane, read the poem she wrote, which I'm including below:

Healing in His Hands, by Diane Bealer - dedicated to Jason and Heidi Hamilton

A tiny babe lays sleeping so peaceful and so calm
And while he lays there without pain we seek a healing balm
A mother’s arms are open she yearns to feel his warmth
To kiss his cheeks and hold him close it was she who brought him forth
A father’s heart is broken he longs to see that smile
To sit and talk and play with him if only for a while
The grief the pain the aching will it ever fade away?
It doesn’t seem to have an end it must be here to stay
But through the pain and hunger to have that baby near
Comes the Savior of Mankind their prayers He always hears
It’s He alone that has the balm to bind those bleeding wounds
For He knows  in time they won’t always be consumed
He's waiting and He’s watching for times to bless and heal
He knows there’s nothing like a child that makes this pain so real
He aches to hold those parents and show His love so dear
The scars to show He knows their pain Only He can nobly wear
So turn to Him and give your pain He strengthens those that fall
His love is here for all who seek The King of One and All
So when your world is crashing down and pain is all you see
Comfort is never far away if you can make it to your knees

Isn't it beautiful? The words are absolutely spot-on. I always talk about (and dream about) kissing those cherished cheeks of his. It brought me more joy than I can express. Jason talks about missing that precious smile. And the hunger... yes the hunger. Such a beautiful poem. 

The day was beautiful. The time at cemetery was short, but there was hope and love in the sunshine and the presence of all our loved ones. 

Thank you to ALL of you who came to support us. Many of you didn't know what to say, but it didn't matter. You being there expressed to us more than words could ever tell how much you loved us and wanted to help. 

As difficult (this word is absolutely insufficient, but will have to do) as this day was, I am so thankful that it happened. I think of pioneer women who lost babies along the trail. There were no flowers. No video. No pictures. No beautiful casket. They did not have hundreds of people there supporting them. Many of them buried their babies in shallow graves - never to visit them again. 

This day was a sweet tribute to a baby boy who changed my life forever. I am so very blessed and privileged to be Link's mother. 

March-April Newsletter & Slideshow

Here are the newsletter & slideshows for March and April. Please forgive the tardiness and please indulge me in the number of pictures - especially of Link. I hardly took any of him out of the slideshow. And there are a LOT!

FAMILY:  March was the most joyous and most devastating month our family has ever faced. On the 3^rd, we had Link’s blessing. Family & friends came. Tiffany flew in from Minnesota. What a joyful, blessed time. Grandma Potts did a St. Patrick’s Day party for all the cousins. Heidi got to go birthday shopping with her mom & out to breakfast with her sisters. The blessing was beautiful and we had wonderful food and conversation at our home afterward. So much joy. The rest of the month was spent enjoying an extra day with Tiffany & Maddy, doing St. Patrick’s crafts, celebrating Heidi’s birthday, Jason had a business trip to Ogden for a week, playing outside, a family trip to the dentist (Everyone but Kezi had cavities L, playing at the park, having the Corrys over for Sunday dinner,  and just enjoying life. On March 26, 2013, Heidi went to wake Link from his nap and he had rolled over. When she picked him up, he was cold and limp and blue. The ambulance was called and they tried to revive him at the hospital, but it was too late and there was nothing they could do. He had returned home to his Heavenly Father. Our entire family was shocked and devastated. Neighbors helped. Family came. There were a lot of preparations to be made for his funeral. We are so grateful to all who came and supported us during this horrible time. Link’s funeral was on March 30. Family & friends came from all over. We felt everyone’s love and support. The talks, poems, and musical number were wonderful. Link was buried in the Cedar City Cemetery. There was such an outpouring of love for our family – cards, flowers, food, watching the girls, financial support, gifts, financial help, willow tree statues, a Yladro statue, books, messages, phone calls, paintings, etc. It was amazing to see the generosity of so many – we are truly, truly grateful. April was mostly spent recovering – surviving. Grandma Potts & Aunt Cindy and Michael & Joshua stayed a week after the funeral to help with the house & the girls. We are SO thankful for their help! We were having a media fast, so the girls had fun with Aunt Cindy doing a “tea party,” making a fairy house, doing crafts, etc. We also went to Zions National Park with the Edwards, Hamiltons, and Billy – Jason’s dad. The kids had a great time in the sand, hiking to a waterfall, and riding the shuttle. Jason & Heidi were able to go to a hotel in St. George for a couple days and spend a lot of time with each other and in the temple. On the 20^th, we went to the Preparedness Fair in Cedar and got some good information and the girls got their faces painted.  Later that month, we took a trip to SLC. Jason went with his brother to the supercross competition and Heidi & the girls visited with the Simons and went to Scheels and the Living Planet Aquarium with the Edwards and uncle Joseph. We also had visits from the Matthews from Herriman, the Jacksons from Park City, Aunt Kim, and some visits from Grandma Devenish.   On the 19^th, Tundra was acting like he was in severe pain. Whining constantly. We took him to the vet and he told us that his stomach had turned and he could do surgery, but Tundra probably wouldn’t survive it. We decided to go ahead and end his pain. Saying goodbye to our big boy was very difficult. He has been a part of this family for over 10 years. We buried him in our backyard and planted an evergreen over his grave. We feel his absence in our family and home as well and at the same time, we are so happy that he is free of pain and we believe he is enjoying wonderful carefree days with our son. We also miss Link so very much every day. He has left such a large, aching hole in our family. At the same time, though, we can absolutely testify of the goodness of God. We know Link is happy and well. We know he watches over our family. We are thankful every day for our knowledge of the plan of salvation. It has been the thing that has helped us survive – knowing we will see him again one day. We are so thankful for the resurrection of Jesus Christ. We continued our tradition of opening Easter eggs with an item that goes with a scripture to tell about Jesus’ last week on earth and his resurrection – we were able to keep opening them – even on the night he died and the subsequent nights. Everything we read had much more meaning. Easter had a much, much deeper meaning this year as a family. The girls did get Easter baskets filled with wonderful things, but going to visit Link’s grave later that day gave us perspective and instilled in our hearts the true meaning of Easter. We talk about Link every day. We talk about what he would like to eat – if he’d be crawling by now. Kezia makes sure we NEVER forget to sing his goodnight song. We look at pictures and videos of him and we think of him often. We miss him and we feel his love. One other thing we have enjoyed the past couple months is watching the birds. We put out the bird feeder & they made a mess on the deck, but it was so fun to watch them as we ate meals. There were some really pretty ones with red heads.

 JASON:  Losing his only son was very difficult for Jason. He has been such a rock for every member of our family – but there are still times he breaks down and just misses his boy. Jason spoke at Link’s funeral and did a wonderful job sharing memories of our baby boy.  Jason’s work has supported our family so very much. They donated a bunch of money. They allowed him to work from his laptop as much as he needed the weeks after his funeral.  The blessing Jason gave Link at the beginning of March was beautiful. We were able to get some wonderful pictures with Jason and Link that day. Jason also had a business trip to Ogden the week after Link’s blessing and he was able to meet a lot of people. Then he came home & spent as much time as he could with the girls and with his baby boy. He was at the dentist the day he got the call about Link. He was in the middle of a root canal, but threw some gauze in his mouth and sped home. He gave Link a blessing and was able to comfort Heidi when we found out Link was gone. He has had a few spiritual experiences since Link died and cherishes them. He finds a lot of comfort and knowledge in the after-life books we’ve been reading. He has re-committed himself to family history so that he can assist his son in missionary work on this side.

 HEIDI: Heidi is still very much devastated over losing her precious baby boy. It was also such a physical loss – not being able to breastfeed him anymore. Not being able to hold him and have that physical mother-baby bond. She still struggles with a lot of grief, anger, guilt, and anguish. So very many tears. She has had some comforting dreams, though.  She’s listened to some wonderful songs and heard some great conference talks & scriptures that provide perspective and peace. She expresses most of her grief through writing – in her journal, in her journal to Link, and on her blog. She is bewildered at and so thankful for the sincere love and sympathy so many people have expressed.  She turned 34 this year on the 6^th & since Jason was going to be gone on a business trip, he arranged a surprise party for her while her family was in town for Link’s blessing. It was wonderful. The girls made her birthday special and Heidi truly took the day off to sit by her fireplace, enjoy her children, and read a book. Jason also called and left a message on her cell phone with ALL the people at his business meeting, singing her happy birthday. It was really sweet. Her journey is still very much day-to-day, sometimes minute-to-minute. She’s started running again with Krista Corry and is so thankful for her friendship and that outlet. She’s also SO thankful that she’s been able to help her friend, Diane, who is very sick (pregnant) and also threw her back out. Helping her has been such a blessing – it’s helped her to get out of bed when she doesn’t feel like it. She’s so thankful for the love of her entire family – especially her sisters – and especially Cindy, who has called or texted every single day. She’s grateful for jewelry that helps her remember her baby boy. And pictures. And video. She has watched his slideshow many, many times. It is a hard, painful process to go through, but she hopes it will eventually bring her closer to her Savior, husband, family and son.

McKINLEY:

-McKinley cried a lot those first couple days after Link died. She was really a support and comfort to her mom. She stayed with her. Hugged her. Supported her. She cries when she watches the slideshow of her brother. She misses him. She doesn’t talk about him a whole lot, but she asks questions about when we will see him again. She also writes in her journal about him. She understands where he is and that he won’t be coming home soon. She loves her baby brother. Some other things McKinley did in March & April:

-McKinley had a dream where she went to a tea party and they were serving hamburgers.

-McKinley and mom finished The Little Princess in March. We both LOVED it and enjoyed reading it together.

-McKinley & daddy had a bit TOO much Super Mario Brothers in March. Mom had to finally put her foot down. Every free moment was asking if she could play Super Mario Brothers.

-McKinley did a surprise for the family one morning. She wouldn’t let anyone come in the kitchen, but when we could finally come it, McKinley was all dressed & ready for school with her hair brushed & breakfast was set out on the table. What a helper!!

-McKinley had some rough times in March – one day mom got a call that McKinley had hurt her foot at school. Apparently they were playing handstands and she came down too hard on her foot. She limped on it for a few days, but got better. She also had bad allergies in March and walked around with a tissue under her constantly running nose. In addition, she had strep throat and an ear infection. No fun!

-McKinley went to the dentist in March and had 4 cavities she had to have filled L

-In Primary singing time, the primary chorister was doing March Madness basketball. In the van on the way home, mom was telling dad about it. McKinley said “It’s not March Madness – it’s March Magnets!”

-The girls worked really hard on some coloring contest pages and one of the businesses we were going to take it to was Bulloch Drug. McKinley said “Do we ever go to Bulloch Drug? Well…. Probably not… cuz, you know – DRUGS.”

-McKinley had a very hard time when she got home from school and found out that Tundra was gone. We knew he might not be okay when she got home from school, so we encouraged her to spend some time with him that morning – and she did spend some precious time with him. She cried a lot when she came home. She picked flowers for him and put them on him in his grave. He was her buddy and friend and she will miss his companionship.

-McKinley earned a date with daddy and they went to see “The Croons” at the theater. She said they had a lot of fun & it was a cute movie.

IRELAND:

-At first, Ireland didn’t seem affected when we told her about Link. We told her that he had gone back to heaven and was with Jesus and Heavenly Father. We told her that we would see him again when Jesus cam again and he was resurrected - and that seemed to be good enough for her. But as time wore on and her baby brother wasn’t resurrected yet, she started to really be naughty and show a lot of anger. When they were taking a bath in our bath, she got some of my pumped breastmilk and poured it into the tub – along with a box of sewing pins. She got eggs from the fridge and made a huge egg mess in their room. She took at bath in their hall bathroom sink. She poured birdseed on the ground in the garage and peed on it. She’s had accidents all over the house. She has had some very angry tantrums where she has hit and kicked & screamed & yelled – one of these massive tantrums was at Walmart. Ireland has started seeing her school consoler – and we think it has helped her. She hasn’t cried one tear that we’ve seen, though, and we think she’s really bottling everything up inside. She’s afraid to cry – and she just wants her brother back! Every night she prays that his body will come back alive. She was there when it happened – when the police and the ambulance came. We know it will take her a while to work through the anger & grief. She is a very physical person & always was touching him and wanting him to touch her. They had a special bond and we know it will continue to be difficult for her. Thankfully, though, Mrs. Ekker says she’s still doing fine in school and she seems to be fine with other people.

Some other things Ireland was up to in March and April:

-Mom was working with Ireland on her homework one day and the question was “What is the opposite of left?” Ireland thought for a moment & replied… “unleft?”

-Ireland now talks about marrying her cousin, Joshua, just like McKinley talked about marrying Michael. One day in the van, she told mom “I wish we could marry cousins. I’d marry Joshua!”

-One of the Easter eggs we opened as our family tradition talked about Jesus going to Jerusalem. Mom was trying to make sure Ireland was listening & said “Ireland – where did Jesus go?” Ireland said “to get the brass plates!”

-There was an altercation upstairs and mom heard screaming. She went up to investigate and both Ireland and Kezia were crying. Mom asked Ireland what happened & Ireland said “She was hitting me with the horse and I pushed her! And… we were breaking each other’s feelings.”

-In March, Ireland started saying “Baby Alert! Cuteness Alert!” whenever she was around Link.

-For Ireland’s date in April, she went swimming with dad.

-Ireland had strep throat (again) the weekend of conference. Dad had to take her to Instacare, but she was able to get some medicine & not miss school.

-One day in the van, Ireland said “Dad – if you were a kid, which cousin would you pick to marry?” But no matter how much we prodded him, dad only said he would pick mommy & no one else J

-Ireland had a cavity and had to get it filled, but was super-brave and didn’t cry at all!

KEZIA

-Kezia still doesn’t really understand that Link isn’t coming home any time soon. She still sees shoes in the store & says “let’s buy this for Link for when he comes back!” or “When Link comes back, he’ll get to have his Easter basket!” She was also at home when the ambulance and police came and she still talks about Link’s blue face. She also keeps saying “mom – I told you if you put him to sleep, he would die!” She has been Ireland’s partner in crime in being VERY naughty. She keeps having accidents and she’s been waking up 2 or 3 times a night. She’s also been telling people “My brother died!” or “Link’s in Jesus Christ.” We know she misses him. Sometimes mom will see her look out the window and whisper “Link – come back from Jesus. Link – come back to mommy, Link.” She realizes the hole that is there in the mornings and will say “It used to be mommy, Kezia & Link in the mornings, but now it’s just mommy and Kezia.”

Some other things Kezia has said or done in March & April:
-Kezia was given one of the “mystery” dum dum suckers. She said “Mom – this sucker tastes like a question mark… and an apple.”

-Kezia has been big on baths lately. If she ever discovers her feet are dirty, she says “I need to take a bath, mom! My feet are dirty!”

-She was talking to daddy on the phone one day and then came up to mom with a grumpy face and said “Mooom! Dad uncalled!”

-Kezia has been Ireland’s partner in crime in making huge messes the past couple months. Pins in the bathtub. A huge birdseed mess. And one day, Kezia & Ireland decided to put their hands in the peanut butter and rub it all over themselves and the walls.

-Kezia was asked to give the prayer in primary. Mom went up to help her, but she said she could do it all by herself – and she did a great job!

-Kezia says she’s going to marry Jaxon Bealer (at least she’s the only one not wanting to marry her cousin!)

 -She had her first official trip to the dentist and she did great!

-When Kezia wants to find Ireland, she says “Ireland L-A-N-D! Where are you?”

-Whenever we have treats during the day, Kezia ALWAYS makes sure we save one for daddy. And it doesn’t even have to be sweet. She will run and put a cracker, or an orange, or a cookie right by his bed for when he gets home.”

LINK:

Oh – our precious baby boy! We miss you SO very much! On March 26, 2013, during naptime, you rolled over in your crib and were face-down when mommy found you. You left this mortal world behind – along with a lot of broken hearts. You have left an enormous, aching hole in our family. We talk of you every day. We miss you every minute. Losing you will be something that will define and motivate our family forever! We have already felt your missionary efforts on the other side and we pray that they will continue and that we will help move them along. SO many people here love you and miss you. They have shared their memories. They have shared their love for you. You have touched so many, many lives. Your funeral was beautiful. Everyone talked about how beautiful you were in your little white casket. I know your body was beautiful, but it was SO much more beautiful with your spirit inside! We pray that you will continue to touch our lives – be there for us – watch over us. WE LOVE YOU! You will continue to be included in our newsletters every month. Even if it’s just to say how much we miss you & love you. Or times we’ve thought of you. Or things we’ve done that have helped remind us of you. You will ALWAYS be a part of this family. We love you.

Here are some things Link was doing before he died on March 26:

-On March 3, Linkin was given a name and a blessing. His father talked about the power of the priesthood, the gift of discernment, the gift of charity, and he also talked about serving a mission and marrying an eternal companion. We have faith that all these blessings will be fulfilled on the other side. It was a beautiful day all-around. Mom cried when she dressed Link in his blessing outfit- complete with a tiny bow tie. He was just SO handsome!! Family came from far & wide (Aunt Tiffany even came from Minnesota) to see our miracle baby & celebrate his entrance into this world and the fact that he was home & healthy. Lots of people got to hold Link and kiss his adorable cheeks. We got lots of wonderful, precious pictures that day. What an amazing blessing.

-Link continued to get better and better with his hands. He was grabbing his toes. He was to the point where it was dangerous to having him on your lap or in the Bumbo at the table because he would grab anything he could reach. One time he grabbed mom’s malt-o-meal breakfast & got it all over his hands! Good thing mom cleaned him off before he could get it in his mouth! He also knocked over the sugar and a cup of water. He was also getting really good at pulling his cow on his seat. He could make the music go and at the end, he was just pulling it right off.

-His tummy was also getting strong & when we would put him under the jungle gym, instead of hitting the hanging parts with his hands, he would scoot & kick them with his feet really hard.

-We were really working on tummy time with him the month before he died. He was getting a really strong neck and if you put him on his tummy with his arms under him, he would lift up and roll over.

-Link had his 4-month appointment on March 20. His weight was a bit down, but overall, he was truly healthy and perfect.  He was meeting all the milestones. The doctor asked a specialist to look at his birthmark just to make sure it was okay. He came in and wanted to see the “miracle baby” – he said his birthmark was fine, but something he would have his whole life.

- We started the “cry it out” method with Link – and would go & check on him at increments. He had a hard time for a few days, but was actually doing really well by the end – he would sleep till 5:30am.

-Link was starting to really like watching Baby Einstein and Baby Signing Time. He would sit through almost the whole 30 minutes before getting fussy.

-Link brought smiles and joy to our family EVERY DAY. He was really smiling and laughing so good. His daddy would always get a huge smile from him when he got home – and he knew just the tickle spot to make him giggle & giggle. His sisters loved to hold him & McKinley would walk around with him & Ireland would just move his little chair wherever he wanted to go.

-Link tried rice cereal for the first time in April. We tried mixing it with warm breastmilk, but he never really took to it. He would get fussy and spit most of it out.

-Link was finally able to go to church with us for 3 precious weeks. He looked SO handsome in his church outfit – white onesie collared shirt, black pant, and a grey/black vest.  It was so fun to take him and show him off. Jason took him for 2 of the weeks and was able to cuddle him & get him to sleep. Mom was able to take him to primary one week. He was SO good. He sat & listened to the kids sing and Ireland would look over & smile at him – and he was a bit distracting to the other kids as well. They kept looking at him and some would say “Your baby is so cute!”

-The autopsy report did not show that Link had any health problems. He was just called home & we sure miss him at his earthly home.

WE LOVE YOU LINK!!

Six Months

Six Months. Link would have been six months old today, May 7th. 

It's also been exactly six weeks since he died. 

In any other time of life, six weeks is such a short period of time. Things don't change much. But in the life of a baby, six weeks makes a huge difference. I think of all the things he would be doing right now at six months - sitting up, rolling over like crazy, playing with so many more toys, exploring new food, possibly getting up on all fours. To watch him grow and learn. Progress. That's all I ever wanted. 

Even now, six weeks later, I still have times where I think this just must be a dream. A prolonged vision. Maybe it's like A Christmas Carol or It's a Wonderful Life and I'm being shown what life would be like without my son. I'm supposed to learn things - gain an understanding. 
Cherishing, treasuring every moment with every person that I love - especially my children? check.  Gaining a rock-solid testimony of the Plan of Salvation? check. Getting a taste of the true goodness and love that so many people have for our family? check. Extreme need to ensure the heath & well-being of my children? check. Empathy for others who have lost? double-check. 
Okay - now I'm ready! I'm ready to go back! I SWEAR I will do and be everything I need to be! I will change! Just let me go back!
From Ebeneezer Scrooge: "I am not the life I was, I will not be the man I must have been! Tell me that I may wash away these shadows that might change my life. I will honor Christmas in my heart and try to keep it all the year, I will live in the past, the present and the future! The spirits of all three shall be in me! Tell me, kind Spirit that I may wash away my (HIS) name from this stone."

I pray this prayer with all my heart and then I go to sleep. I wake up hopeful. I go into his room... but it is still empty. There is no baby there. His funeral program lies on the front table and confirms that I am still living this nightmare. This is no dream or vision that I will wake up from. Somehow, I am going to have to learn how to live with this hole in my heart. 

Last night for Family Home Evening, we talked about trials. We read "Tear Soup" by Pat Schwiebert. I would highly recommend it to anyone who has lost - or anyone who knows anyone who has lost. So - that's pretty much everyone, right? It is a picture book that tells the story of an older, and somewhat wise woman named Grandy who has lost someone she dearly loves and the process she goes through to make tear soup - to work through her grief. We had a good talk about it afterwards. We talked about how each of us has our very own pot of tear soup. We each are working through our grief differently. Ireland said she isn't making tear soup. She's making angry soup. And McKinley asked what she should do if she needs to make tear soup while she's at school. We watched Link's memorial video. Jason cried. McKinley cried. I cried. And after it was over, we heard the rain pounding on the window and Ireland said "I think Link is making tear soup outside because he misses us so much, too." And so we went outside and felt his "tear soup." 

Today, I've cleared my schedule. I'm giving myself permission to completely feel the ache, the hurt, the hunger. I'm giving myself permission to watch the videos, look at the pictures, read the memories, re-live the funeral, give gratitude for the precious time we had with him,  grieve for what might have been... and significantly contribute to my large pot of tear soup. 

Heavy

Today is a heavy day. 

Yesterday felt good – lighter. I was able to drive across the mountain and visit with my good friend. I smiled. I laughed. I felt his presence more. I had more perspective.

But today is heavy. I feel like every step I take is like walking through hip-deep sand. Every breath I take feels heavy and labored. Just a simple task like putting dishes into the dishwasher seems insurmountable.

It hurts to look at his empty exersaucer. The pictures on the wall rip my heart apart instead of providing comfort. I never really could understand or relate to the scriptures that talked about “renting their clothes” until I lost a child. Now – that’s exactly what I feel like doing. Ripping. Tearing. Destroying.

Ireland has had a heavy day, too. Or maybe because she had a heavy day, mine ended up being heavy as well. It’s difficult to watch your child grieve.
It’s always something small that sets her off. She had told McKinley at Christmas-time that they could switch stuffed animals, but today she wanted her old stuffed animal back. And I told her that she had to keep her word and let McKinley keep it. That’s about all it took for a full on rage-attack. I brought her into Link’s room. She hit, kicked, screamed, yelled. I told her (again) that it was okay to be angry. I tried to get her to hit some pillows – I even put a pillow in front of me & let her hit it, but she kept trying to get past it and get to me.  Finally, I told her it was okay to be angry, but it wasn’t okay to hurt another person, so I left her in Link’s room & shut the door & held it closed. I listened as the tantrum escalated. She put the crib in front of the door. She threw Link’s diapers all around the room. I periodically opened the door to make sure she wasn't doing anything that would be really damaging.  I just wanted her to be able to express her anger in a safe way. I did see that she was throwing his toys around. She was pounding on the door. This lasted for probably 20 minutes. It felt like 50. It was so hard for me. So hard to listen to her scream & cry. She hurts so much. And I just WISHED and PRAYED that I could take it all away.  She always says it's not losing Link that makes her angry - she says it's something that her sisters said or did, but we all know better. She needs her brother. 

You know those times when your child wants something so BADLY (a binki, a stuffed animal, a blanket, a toy) – and you know if you can just find it, the second you give it to them, they will calm down. Everything will be okay. OH! How I wished I could just walk into Link’s room where she was throwing her fit. I wanted to walk in there and have him in my arms and say “Look Ireland! I have your brother!  Here he is! He’s back! He’s okay! Hold him, kiss him, hug him!” And I KNOW everything would be okay. She would be okay. She would calm down. She would have what she’s been missing. What she's been needing. He would fill that angry, empty void inside of her. 

But I can’t give that to her. I can search my house. I can search the city, the state, the world – but I wouldn't be able to find him. I can’t make him appear. I can’t go to the store and buy another Link. He's not something I can order online. I can tell her that he's near. I can reassure her that he watches over her and he's never really left. But it's not the same. She needs physical contact. She needs to feel him with her hands, not just her heart. 

At the end of February, I remember commenting to Jason how GOOD she was lately. She was just such a GOOD GIRL! She was so obedient – so loving – so easygoing. Not perfect, but amazingly good. After everything had been so wrong when we were in the hospital,  he came and made everything so right. The pieces were all in place and our family was whole again. Now that he’s gone, everything has gone back to being wrong again. There will always be part of our family that is wrong. So very, very wrong. Ireland’s world is all wrong and she’s mad about it! I am too… and sometimes I wonder if it will ever even come close to being right again.

Heavy. My heart is so heavy today. When I was driving and pondering about this deep, hurting heaviness today, a scripture came to mind. Can you guess what it is?

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. (Matthew 11: 28-30)

Light. That’s definitely the opposite of how I feel right now. Somehow I have to find a way to yoke myself to my Savior, because this is just too heavy for me. It’s too heavy for my husband. It’s too heavy for my daughter. It’s too heavy.  

Contrast

I take a picture of our calendar at the end of every month, so I can remember what we did that month - and I can put it in our monthly newsletter. 

All it takes is a glance and you can see the difference between these two months. We had lots of things going on in March - Link's blessing on the 3rd,  lots of birthdays to celebrate, St. Patrick's day,  play dates, dentist appointments, Easter, spring break. Nowhere do I have "bury my son" on there. That was not in my plans. The fact that we blessed him & buried him in the same month just hurts my heart - such an absolute contrast of emotions. 

It doesn't look like we did anything in April. Honestly, I didn't even change the calendar to April until it was halfway done. It felt like we were leaving him behind - moving on without him. The only thing written in that month are 2 dentist appointments - and THOSE are only on there because they didn't get done in March - they were scheduled for the day Link died. What you can't see written in April are these words:

Get out of bed.  
Survive the day. Breathe in and out. 
Go to bed. 

Getting out of bed is hard, but going to bed is usually harder for me. The day is over. I am left with my sweetheart and a broken heart. That's usually when the tears find me.   Because... it's one more day closer to being with him again, but it's also one day farther from all the memories. I try to write them down whenever they come to me, but they are fading & I know there is so much I didn't capture. Everyone tells me I've taken a lot of pictures, but it's not enough for me. I will think back & wish I had taken a picture of this or a video of that. And just the everyday memories - I need to remember them. It hurts that so much fades away so quickly. 

As May approaches, I hope that I will be able to do more than just breathe & survive, though I know that will still be the majority of my day. 
I have moments - snippets of time - where I am here with my family. Where I come out of my grief coma for just a second and see things as they are and know they will be okay. Where I am with my daughter and I'm not just hearing the words she's speaking, but I'm listening. Where I am with the kids at the playground and I actually feel the wind on my face and the sun on my skin and I hear their laughter and truly smile. Where I look into my husband's beautiful green eyes and I am there - in the moment...
and then... the grief takes over again. 
It's such a paradox to me. Being in the moment - being there for my children and cherishing every moment is so difficult for me right now - the grief coma makes it so difficult to "wake up" and BE THERE - yet out of everyone, I should be the one to know the value of each moment - each breath of life. 
I'm working on it. 
I'm hoping May will bring more moments of clarity - and less time in my grief coma. 

Unexplained

Yesterday we received Link's final autopsy report in the mail. 






Everything about that last sentence is so wrong. 



This is what it said:
Manner of death: Could not be determined.
Immediate cause of death: Sudden unexplained infant death. 

It said a lot more than that. Pages & pages of medical information - no viruses, nothing wrong with his organs... nothing. Jason made me promise not to read it without him by my side, but I couldn't help it. I had to know. 

It's not like I expected it to say anything really different, but... well... maybe I did? Maybe I wanted them to find something... something... anything to tell me WHY. 

I was never going to be one of those moms! My baby was never going to die of SIDS! I tried to do everything right! I breastfed him, I always put him to sleep on his back, he didn't want the binki at first, but I kept giving it to him until he really took it, I swaddled him in breathable blankets. The room was kept at a normal/cool temperature. 

Unexplained. Unexplained. 

So, basically they are telling me that my baby died and they don't know why. And he went through SO much in his first two months of life - 2 MONTHS of hospitals - just to lose him in his sleep? Just to have it be unexplained? 

I think I am certifiably in my "anger phase" of grieving. There are times I am positively volatile.  HOW IS THIS FAIR? keeps running through my mind. I have a journal where I write to Link and this was a recent entry:

"It’s NOT FAIR! It’s not fair that you don’t even get to experience your first year of life – of mortality – with all the seasons and traditions that go with it.There’s so much you didn’t get to see of this big, wide world.  You missed out on most of Spring!! The flowers blooming, the birds chirping, the baby animals. Oh, I think you would have loved it! You’re going to miss summer! Oh – how you would have loved summer! I think you’d be sitting up by then & we could put you in the little pool in your new swim shorts that you never got to wear. You are not going to be here for the fireworks! The BBQs! The blowing of bubbles and the wearing of short sleeves! Having picnics in the park and staying up late. Camping! How much it hurts my heart that you are going to miss camping! The fishing with your daddy, the campfire, the brilliant stars at night.  You’re going to miss Autumn, my baby boy. The gorgeous turning of the leaves. Going back to school. The pumpkins. You never got to ever dress in a costume & go trick-or-treating! Oh, my baby boy, I am SO SORRY that you are missing out on that! And winter… I know you were around for winter, but it was mostly spent in hospitals or inside. You are going to miss out on snowman-building, sledding, sipping hot cocoa, and really experiencing CHRISTMAS!  Oh… all these holidays… all these seasons… all these traditions that you aren’t going to get to experience in mortality. Oh! It makes my heart hurt. I am so, so, so sorry. I know you will see them from the other side, but it’s not the same & it’s NOT FAIR!  And it's not fair that I will miss most of your first year milestones. The crawling. The walking. The talking. I feel so cheated! And it’s not fair that you get to be there with Heavenly Father & I am stuck down here in this carnal world and don’t have any idea when I will see you again. IT’S JUST NOT FAIR! It’s not fair that I have to see other people with their babies. They get to have them, hold them, kiss them, sing to them, tuck them in at night, watch them grow. Watch them LIVE. IT’S NOT FAIR! It’s not fair that your sisters have to grieve you - have to miss you every day and wonder when you will come back & let them hug you and dance with you and get you to smile and laugh. IT’S NOT FAIR! It’s not fair that every year, your sisters will get updated pictures on the wall. They will change as they grow. But yours will not change. It will remain the same. You won't have pictures from when you are 5 months old. Or 6 months old. Or a year. Or two. I won’t get to see what color your hair really WAS going to be when it came in – or if your eyes would have held that blue. IT’S NOT FAIR! It’s not fair that I won’t get to see you grow up, go to school, make friends, serve an earthly mission, get married on earth, etc. IT’S NOT FAIR! It’s not fair that your dad won’t have another priesthood holder in our home. Oh! I was so excited to finally give him a son! It’s not fair that he won’t be able to go on father/son camp outs with you, or go to scouts, or match ties, or play with matchbox cars that he saved from his childhood for his future son, or go four-wheeling. Oh – how I was looking forward to seeing that father/son bond as you grew. IT’S NOT FAIR!"

Do I sound like whiny three-year-old child? 

I sure feel like a child sometimes. 

I wonder how I can be expected to help my girls through this when I feel like a child myself. I can barely function as a human being, let alone a wife, let alone a mother. 

Please forgive me as I let the anger come. As I feel it and I work through it.  

I bring it to my husband and he holds me. 

I bring it to my God and he lets me rant and rave and yell. And after it all, and I am left a  sobbing heap on the floor, he speaks quietly to my heart. He speaks comfort. He speaks hope. He speaks love. And I sob some more. Because he loves me. Because He knows. He knows like no one else knows. He knows. 

It's been one month since Link died. ONE MONTH. The 26th of every month is going to be a hard day for a while, I think. It's now been a month since I've held him, since I've seen those bright blue eyes, since I've heard him cry.  But it hasn't been a month since I've talked to him. I talk to him every day. It hasn't been a month since I've loved him. I will keep on loving him every minute of every day. 

Another Goodbye

Today we had to say goodbye to my Tundra dog.

He had been limping for a while. I knew he'd been in some pain from his arthritis, but I wasn't ready to say goodbye. It's been a rough day.

Tundra was a good dog. We got Tundra and his adopted sister Sydney on the same day, in February of 2003. Adorable puppies - they were our kids before we had kids. I always wanted a Siberian Husky that I could go running with & Tundra was my dog. With his black & white fur and his ice blue eyes, he was just a handsome guy. All the kids would say "look - it's the dog from Snow Dogs!" He looked a bit fierce with his mask in the beginning, but he always had a big heart. Big paws and a big heart. He had SO much energy as a puppy. I remember thinking I couldn't wait till he got a little older and calmed down a bit. And then he did. And it was sad.

We lived in Park City when Tundra was a puppy and it was his PARADISE. The snow would be three feet high & he would just leap through it like a deer. His sister Sydney would have to try and keep up in his trail. He would roll around in the snow & if Jason threw a snowball, he would run, jump & DIVE down into the snow to find it.

Once we had kids, he became their beloved playmate. He was usually the favorite for the kids because he was big & lovable & he never jumped up on them. Our favorite times with our dogs were going camping and we could let them run free. Tundra would run & run & run. He wasn't always the best at coming when he was called, but somehow he always found his way back to us. In 2008, we went camping by Fishlake and he came back with porcupine needles in his nose, mouth & eyes. Poor guy. Always curious. Always so full of life. In 2009, he got hit by a car & we also found out he had some thyroid issues that same year. He was never quite the same, but still had plenty of life & energy to spare.

When we moved here to Cedar, we lived in a single level twin home for the first year. It was even more fun for the girls. They would bring the dogs in all the time and play with them. Dress them up. Tundra was good to let them have their way with him. There was a path by our home & we would often take them for walks. The girls would fight over who got to hold Tundra's leash. They also tried to teach him to say "I love you" like the youtube video dog.  He was McKinley's special companion when she was feeling down. She was really upset about something one day and stomped around & cried & then I didn't hear from her in a while & I looked outside. There she was with Tundra. She was talking to him. He was licking her face repeatedly. She came back in happy.  He loved to lick faces - especially Jason's scruffy face.  A few more camping trips. More cuddling. More time with my big boy...

And then today at 5am he started whining. He sometimes whines & then stops, but no matter how many times we checked on him and offered food & water, he just wouldn't stop whining. He wouldn't even eat a hot dog. When we got him to the vet, he said that his stomach had turned and he was in bad shape. He talked about surgery, but wasn't sure it would be very successful at his age & condition. In the end, we decided that he had suffered long enough & it was time to say goodbye. Oh - how I cried when I hugged & kissed my big boy! He has been a part of this family for so long. It's so hard to say good-bye to both my boys in a matter of weeks.  We are really going to miss him. When we would take the dogs to the park in Park City, we would have them wait at the top of the hill after we had unleashed them & then we would say "GO PLAY!" and they would take off running. As Tundra took his final breaths today, Jason said "Go play Tundra! Go play!" I believe he's now playing in heaven - free of pain - with my baby boy that didn't get the chance to play with him in this life.

We love you Tundra! Go PLAY!