Saturday, October 10, 2009

Pregnancy, Estrogen, and Women

My mom just sent this to me. SO perfect.

PREGNANCY Q & A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q : My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q : Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?A: Not unless the word 'alimony' means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q : Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

"ESTROGEN ISSUES"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says:'How's my driving-call 1- 800-'.
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from outer space.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND,the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN

5 comments:

Lena Baron said...

I LOVE It! Sorry, I'm going to have to still it!!! Love ya!

Atherley Crack Ups said...

Oh Heidi, thanks for the laughs!

Trish the Dish said...

hahahaha. Loved reading this. Thanks Sis!

Ryan and Shannan Hoffman said...

Funny, and so so true!! You are almost there!! I'm amazed you guys are coming this weekend being so pregnant! Can't wait to see you guys.

Allison said...

Rolling! That was hilarious!