Thursday, September 18, 2008

A Change Will Do You Good

I love autumn. I was telling someone the other day that I think I could live in these temperatures all year round - though maybe I'd throw in a couple weeks of winter and summer. It's perfect running weather. Perfect walking weather. Perfect going to the park weather. Perfect pondering weather.
I do miss Park City at this time of year. When we lived up there, we had oodles of trails down the street from our home. The hill behind our house was starting its magical transformation this time of year - changing from green to splashes of red, yellow, orange, gold. I think the miracle of the changing leaves prompts in me the desire to change as well. The leaves change so gracefully - they make it look so easy. Change in myself seems ever so much harder - choppy, resilient - and just when I think I see a glimpse of that beautiful golden leaf that I desperately want to be, I fall back into my old patterns, bad habits, sins of commission, sins of omission. Seriously people, some items on my New Years resolution list have been stuck there for years and years. Mocking me.
And so, even though it is not a new year, it is a new season and it gives me the motivation to DO BETTER. I have spoken about perfection and I am not going to seek that. I am going to seek progress. Progress in my house, progress in my health, progress in my parenting, progress in my relationship with God. I'm looking forward to general conference because that helps me in my motivation as well.
I was looking through some old journals today and my reflections this time of year. Speaking of change, it's amazing how much can change in your life in such a short period of time. 4 years ago, I was working full-time for the U.S. Forest Service in the federal building downtown. Most days for lunch I would run up City Creek Canyon, but on Thursdays I would walk to temple square, sit in the main street plaza and just ponder and write.
This time of year - 4 years ago - I had recently experienced a miscarriage. It was really devastating to me because it was our first and we were so excited and it had taken us 9 months to get pregnant. I just wanted to share some thoughts from this time of year 4 years ago and express my gratitude right now in my life for my beautiful daughters and amazing husband...
Oct, 2004: "...A little girl just walked by. Oh how I pray for the day when I can hold my own child. When I can kiss & smile upon my own posterity. It seems so easy for some. So matter-of-fact - like it's supposed to be. I pray for Godly patience. My patience won't do. It grows thin & painfully sorrowful. I know that God has patience. He has so much patience with me. I should have some patience with Him and His plan for me.
...Sitting here at lunch, gazing up at the beautiful temple - God's castle here on earth. Today is perfect. There's a bit of wind blowing - just enough to glide through my hair and whisper of God's love. I've been noticing His love signs more lately - a beautiful sunset, a bright-colored flower, a soft breeze, a magical rainstorm. He tries in so many ways to show me how much He cares & so many times I'm too busy to notice. How that must break His heart. I know He just wants to reach out and hold me and help me remember who I am. So many voices tell me that I am a child of the world instead of God. It takes constant reminders to bring back that knowledge of divinity."


Britany said...

Thanks for some motivation to start off my day. Will you send some Fall weather down here??!!

Ryan and Shannan Hoffman said...

Heidi, you are awesome. That was a beautiful post. I didn't know about your miscarriage, I can only imagine how hard that must be when you were trying so hard for so long to get pregnant. While getting pregnant has been easy for me, I remember being in my 20's and wanting so badly to meet the right guy and get married. I was 26 when I met Ryan and 28 when we got married. It's amazing how wanting something so much makes you appreciate it so much more when you get it. I'm so glad you have two beautiful babies now to hold.

Kelli said...

Okay, so I need to bring the tissues every time I come to see your blog. WOW!!! Everyone said you were the QUEEN, but I had not idea. This will make such a nice keepsake for later----better than any journal because the pictures are right there.

Anyway, AMAZING!!!! Thanks for the inspiration. I need to really make progress on my house, so I am in on that one!! (My diet could use an overhaul, too, but I say that I should get to eat whatever I want while I am running 70 miles a week and I can!!! Bad thinking, I know. I could learn form you here, skinny minnie!)

Lena Baron said...

I too love your blog. Thanks! I hadn't read your post when I wrote mine about change. You said everything I didn't:) I didn't know about your miscarriage. We weren't in touch then. I'm sorry! I had a miscarriage the pregnancy before the twins. I was pondering about it today... interesting. How far along were you? (not that it matters at all!)

Patricia Potts said...

Heidi, since I am the 2301st visiter of your sight I think that says alot about the number of people you touch. I feel humbled and deeply touched by the way you shared about that time in your life.

Although I keep a newsletter and a journal of sorts I rarely look back like you do. Thank you for your gift of witing and your example. I love you, mom