Thursday, September 18, 2008
A Change Will Do You Good
I love autumn. I was telling someone the other day that I think I could live in these temperatures all year round - though maybe I'd throw in a couple weeks of winter and summer. It's perfect running weather. Perfect walking weather. Perfect going to the park weather. Perfect pondering weather.
I do miss Park City at this time of year. When we lived up there, we had oodles of trails down the street from our home. The hill behind our house was starting its magical transformation this time of year - changing from green to splashes of red, yellow, orange, gold. I think the miracle of the changing leaves prompts in me the desire to change as well. The leaves change so gracefully - they make it look so easy. Change in myself seems ever so much harder - choppy, resilient - and just when I think I see a glimpse of that beautiful golden leaf that I desperately want to be, I fall back into my old patterns, bad habits, sins of commission, sins of omission. Seriously people, some items on my New Years resolution list have been stuck there for years and years. Mocking me.
And so, even though it is not a new year, it is a new season and it gives me the motivation to DO BETTER. I have spoken about perfection and I am not going to seek that. I am going to seek progress. Progress in my house, progress in my health, progress in my parenting, progress in my relationship with God. I'm looking forward to general conference because that helps me in my motivation as well.
I was looking through some old journals today and my reflections this time of year. Speaking of change, it's amazing how much can change in your life in such a short period of time. 4 years ago, I was working full-time for the U.S. Forest Service in the federal building downtown. Most days for lunch I would run up City Creek Canyon, but on Thursdays I would walk to temple square, sit in the main street plaza and just ponder and write.
This time of year - 4 years ago - I had recently experienced a miscarriage. It was really devastating to me because it was our first and we were so excited and it had taken us 9 months to get pregnant. I just wanted to share some thoughts from this time of year 4 years ago and express my gratitude right now in my life for my beautiful daughters and amazing husband...
Oct, 2004: "...A little girl just walked by. Oh how I pray for the day when I can hold my own child. When I can kiss & smile upon my own posterity. It seems so easy for some. So matter-of-fact - like it's supposed to be. I pray for Godly patience. My patience won't do. It grows thin & painfully sorrowful. I know that God has patience. He has so much patience with me. I should have some patience with Him and His plan for me.
...Sitting here at lunch, gazing up at the beautiful temple - God's castle here on earth. Today is perfect. There's a bit of wind blowing - just enough to glide through my hair and whisper of God's love. I've been noticing His love signs more lately - a beautiful sunset, a bright-colored flower, a soft breeze, a magical rainstorm. He tries in so many ways to show me how much He cares & so many times I'm too busy to notice. How that must break His heart. I know He just wants to reach out and hold me and help me remember who I am. So many voices tell me that I am a child of the world instead of God. It takes constant reminders to bring back that knowledge of divinity."